Barton back at St James' for Baggies game

At some stage I may - although I probably won't - launch a vicious attack against a colleague. A few blows to the face should do the trick.

The people who run my industry may also discover that I have a history of trouble. I haven't, but let's pretend for a moment. For argument's sake I may have once stubbed out a cigarette on the work experience lad's face, or even committed common assault, perhaps in Liverpool.

The "cowardly and extremely violent assualt" (the judge's words, not mine) will happen after I've downed 10 pints and five bottles of lager. CCTV will capture all of this, not least the bits where I continue to lay into my victim as a 16-year-old watches in horror. The teenager will also get a whack, just for good measure.

None of this will be a problem. My job won't be in jeopardy as a result of the attack on my colleague because the people who run my industry are weak and pathetic. The fact I battered a Liverpudlian or two during a night-out won't matter one jot either as far as they're concerned.

Can you guess which industry I'm talking about yet?

In fact I will be fined half a week's wages and told to stay off work for a bit. About six weeks should do the trick I reckon. By which time my colleague's eyes should no longer be black, his teeth should be fixed and, with any luck, his nose will have stopped bleeding.

After a few weeks I shall return to work. If I choose to commit any further offences during this time I will get an extra six weeks off. Yep, I can live with that.

Sadly, I live in the real world, where such conduct would get me sacked and locked up. I would become unemployable. Or, worse still, pursued by Aston Villa.

With that in mind I shall refrain from assaulting anyone I know. I shall also avoid stubbing out any cigarettes on the younger staff at work. Likewise I'll keep my nose clean should I visit Liverpool.

Joey Barton, however, lives in a world where you can commit grievous bodily harm and, to all extents and purposes, get away with it. Well done to the FA for fining him half a week's wages and giving him a 12 game ban (six of which are suspended). I mean that sarcastically. This season footballers are being told to respect the referee, yet the FA are respecting those footballers who assault others. A fine example.

So the powers-that-be are wondering why fans are starting to turn their back on the game? The FA might as well have given Joey Barton a pat on the back and congratulated the loathsome fool for assaulting his ex-Manchester City team-mate Ousmane Dabo - an attack so vicious that Arsenal's French contingent refused to acknowledge Barton last week in protest at his attack on their compatriot.

Barton will be back sooner, rather than later.

Just to make it relevant to Albion, it may interest you to know that his first game back at St James' Park will be when Albion visit on Octber 29 (after he faces Sunderland at the Stadium of Light). And won't that be a joy for all concerned.

I wonder what Ousmane Dabo thinks?