'Taxing as a deterrent is highly flawed'

If you'd happened to be living in a cave until recently, before coming out and reading the news; you'd think that everyone in Britain is spending every evening on the pavement outside a nightclub: head over heels, arse over tit - and, due to an obesity epidemic, are using the friction between their two massive thighs to generate enough electricity to keep Burnham-On-Sea powered for a fortnight.

But it's sparked a drastic action plan to get everyone sober and slim.

There's something a little worrying in the news that the British Medical Association conference has voted against the proposal to tax chocolate by only 2 votes.

2 votes.

If we want an example of a dumbed-down Britain, there's no need to look for Katie and Peter: The Next Chapter on ITV2, look towards the BMA. An organisation made up of supposedly well-educated people who think taxing chocolate to the extent of making it around 5p more expensive, is a good idea.

Where do we start? as Jo Brand's dietician might say. Britain is already taxed on wages, pensions, benefits, saving's interest (what's left of them), dividends, property rental, capital gains, stamp duty, inheritance, goods and services, fuel, alcohol, tobacco and betting.

And the same goes for alcohol. Leading medical advisors are suggesting that no drinks should be sold for a minimum of 50p per unit of alcohol.

If it was the case that making something overpriced would stop people from buying it and making something cheaper would make you buy it, then people wouldn't be coming home with Armani shirts and everyone would come back every weekend with a new sofa from DFS.

Admittedly, Gordon Brown has initially rejected the idea of making alcohol more expensive. But, if we're going to live in an age where busybodies are going to say people can't smoke foxes or drive while eating Class C 80%-proof kebabs, and instead; have a national holiday to celebrate parking attendants, it can only go downhill from here.

Surely, making alcohol more expensive is not going to deter people who really want it from buying it.

Earlier this month, hospitals in Staffordshire have had to remove the alcohol hand gels from wards as people were stealing them and drinking it. Apparently, the alcohol gels - as well as being effective against MRSA and 99.9% of all bacteria - also goes well with orange juice.

There is also set to be an imminent attack on supermarkets for promoting irresponsible drinking. No longer are people drinking in pubs where it can be more easily monitored. It's all coffee shops now.

And since people are willing to pay £57 for a small Espresso - just so they can sit and talk about how often they cut their lawn, how far the seats slide back in their new Toyota, and the decline in garden decking since the 90s- it means increasing the cost of something as a deterrent isn't going to make a difference.

This has sparked a Bring Back the Pubs campaign from bearded gentlemen in waistcoats that enjoy drinking in front of an open fire and playing darts: a 'game' where you stand up and do maths. Fun.

But there's not really space for a pub in today's society. There may have been a time a couple of hundred years ago when they didn't have PlayStations and Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, and they needed a distraction from diphtheria. People would leave the factories and not bother going home because the toilet was at the end of the garden and their children had rickets.

Off to the pub.

The attack on the cost of chocolate and alcohol isn't going to make any difference. If people aren't in pubs, they've bought a couple of litres of alcohol for 11p and are out on Sainsbury's car park travelling at high speeds in a shopping trolley.

Or they're rambling, sliding in vomit, and a little trickle of alcohol has led them to believe they're about 10 times more interesting than they actually are.

It's these people the busybodies should be interested with. Not the people who drink responsibly. Taxing as a deterrent is highly flawed.

Next, they'll be taxing women for wearing high-heels, people who breathe out too much carbon dioxide, and those who are so skinny they have a tendency to fall down drains.

'Everywhere you look you'll see a guide to defeating the recession'

Even HSBC: The world's local bank (6,000 miles away in a communist country) has had its profits plummet.

It was reported yesterday that along with the car industry, some of the worst affected areas are the television companies and hair dressers. This may be the reason why repeats of Cash in the Attic seem to be dominating the television schedules and why more and more people are walking around with hair like a baby gorilla.

With the recession hitting the television companies it seems the quality of the programming is going to decrease even more.

Future Radio Times entries should look something like this:

8.00pm - The Bill
Tonight's action-packed episode centres on a food fight in a school canteen and a man is arrested for dropping an apple on the floor in broad daylight.

9.00pm - Who Wants To Win £3.87?
Presented by new host Ingrid Tarrant. Contestants answer questions for a chance to win £3.87.

10.00pm - I'm A Celebrity. . . Get Me Out Of Here!
Anneka Rice, Mr. Blobby and the Short One from Casualty compete to be king or queen of the jungle. Live from the urban allotments in Stoke-On Trent. Presented by Ant.

10.30pm - Britain's Best Dish - Celebrity Special
One of the Nolan Sisters microwaves a Pot Noodle. See pick of the day.

11.00pm -Midsomer Murders
DCI Barnaby retires when he realises he's the only one left alive in Midsomer. He discovers that the rest have either been murdered or have moved to Eastern Europe in search of work. Last in the series.

01.00am - CSI: Digbeth
Remake of the American crime drama. The team discover an aluminium can has been placed in a paper-recycling box and pursue the culprit.

It's even been suggested that the recession isn't necessarily affecting the low-income families.

Those who have spent their life ensuring they only eat sweets that come lightly-dusted in a round tin, that have conditioned themselves to refer to a game of croquet as being 'absolutely marvellous', and have experimented with off-white emulsions, are said to be the ones who will suffer due the worthlessness of their savings.

Everywhere you look you'll see a guide to defeating the recession.

Going out and collecting wild berries, making a doormat out of wooden clothes pegs, and knitting a microwave and fan-assisted oven.

Last week, £150billion of extra money was printed.

Quantitative easing, they call it, as if it's something new - forgetting it's what Mugabe has been doing for years.

When the British government are taking financial advice from an authoritarian tyrant, you know there's a problem.

When this financial situation first started, some people said it's just what the country needs - something to unite everyone and make people concentrate on the things that matter.

At best, it's united everyone against people. It's the bankers' faults. It's the MPs' faults. It's America's fault. And if you read the Daily Mail, it's Global Warming's fault.

And a common question has been about the salary of MP's.

An MP gets £63,291 per year, excluding expenses.

But this will actually improve the economy because the money they spend on alcohol, prostitutes, and nude women gyrating to Britney Spears' Womanizer, will mean the money soon filters back into the community.

But for all the blaming, job hunting, and eating leftovers, we'll still end up having to walk 30 miles to collect wood, before walking 30 miles to get back and burn it to power the television so we can watch the final of Dancing on Thin Ice - in which tonight's episode Rick Wallar battles it out with Gillian McKeith for the title of 2009 champion. Repeated tomorrow. And the day after.

'The increased sales in science magazines are making OK! Magazine look like Laminate Floor Monthly'

The ability to use stem cells to treat diseases without using embryos is a 'step closer', with a British and Canadian team having manipulated human skin cells to act like embryonic stem cells.

The news managed to make most newspapers. The Daily Mail ran with "Breakthrough by British Scientists" (they'll put "and Canadian" somewhere really small), The Times had "Stem Cell Breakthrough Could Solve Ethical Dilemmas", and the Isle of White Herald went with "Sheep Disappearance due to Alien Invasion".

In a time when running off with someone's mobile phone will put you in prison, but running off with someone's pension will put you in a 5-star resort in the Maldives, it's nice to know that there is actually some real work being done and not just releasing the usual bananas-make-your-eyes-fall-out statements.

The fact that it now means embryos will not have to be used, should make the whole situation regarding ethics a little easier and scientists can now begin to look at new ways of curing some diseases.

America has recently put $50billion (that's currently about £1.99) into stem cell research, but the ethics-in-science debate still pops up every now and again.

Last week, in India, home embryo freezers were made available for those who could afford them. Supposedly in case any couples who are undergoing IVF want to be closer to their frozen embryos.

Although a little strange, some people have said it's a good idea. The only problem being that if there's a power cut you'd have to run halfway across town with your embryos pressed between a bag of peas and McCain oven chips.

Best before Jan 2016.

Some people are still against IVF, saying that it's not religiously moral. I'm not well-read in the Bible but I'm sure it doesn't have one of the commandments listed as 'Thou shalt not place thy products in liquid nitrogen and nor shalt they be cryogenically frozen until a husband/wife has been found on DatingDirect.com.'

The same goes for organ donation. Many people still don't want to sign up in case they're 'left to die' so their organs can go to someone in the next bed. It would probably be ok if they let you make a list of who you don't want your organs to go to in the unlikely event of your death.

Then again, the chances of Peter Mandelson requiring one of your kidneys are remote.

It was suggested, last month, that many people are quitting their jobs as scientists and retraining in other professions because they feel hassled by all of the ethical issues facing their work.

What would you rather do? Sit around Brindley Place drinking skinny lattes with Richard and Judy or spend your days arguing with protesters and genetically engineering bacteria to be fluent in Cantonese?

Despite this, the interest in popular science has increased recently. With being able to isolate the gene that causes a jellyfish to be fluorescent, and inserting it into mice, people are interested by the weird science.

The increased sales in science magazines are making OK! Magazine look like Laminate Floor Monthly.

Show people pictures of anti-gravity chambers and flying cars and they're suddenly interested in science. None of that boring atom business they did when they were at school. They want to see rockets and jetpacks, not periodic tables.

Saying that, everyone takes some interest in the boring parts of science when it's beneficial to them.

They know it's a scientific fact that, when eating, you'll not absorb any fat from the food you take from someone else's plate.

And they see the importance of molecular structures.

For example, they know that two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom make up the most important molecule: water. And they wouldn't be able to live without it, being as it's a major constituent of beer.

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'People who stand in the cold for hours on a Wednesday afternoon aren't partial to sarcasm'

Walking down New Street is a minefield. No matter how fast you try to walk - looking down and avoiding eye-contact as if there is something incredibly fascinating about the floor - you will always get stopped by someone selling something like inflatable dartboards or trying to get you to sign your life away.

Last week, I managed to get stopped by Scientologists, someone going on about saving polar bears, and another about something to do with organ donation. It didn't really matter who it was because, as humans, since the dawn of time itself, we have the innate ability to suddenly shut down as soon as any stranger starts talking to you. It's fact.

As soon as they open their mouth, I shut down.

I found myself staring at this woman's face not having any idea what she was saying. I could tell you that she had one blue eye and one brown eye, that she had an eyelash on the side of her face, and that she smelt very faintly of broccoli. But I had no idea what she was saying to me.

All I could see was her mouth opening and closing.

This is the same when asking for directions (which should usually be avoided in most circumstances). It's only acceptable in places that look like the local council has let the local children's nursery design the transport system.

If you ask someone for directions and they start their sentence with "Er...", just walk away.

You'll either end up in the wrong place or still be standing there in an hour's time.

But then, even if they turn their head to the side, look off into the horizon and start making hand gestures like an air traffic control warden who's about to break into the YMCA, you won't be listening.

Because you'll have shut down.

And you'll be wondering why, out of all the people on the street, you managed to ask the one who you can't understand.

I'm sure it's the case that every time you ask someone for directions, whoever it is will miraculously morph into the same man with grey hair and a cap who sounds like he's trying to talk with a mouth full of pennies.

Anyway, the woman with the multi-coloured eyes had now stopped talking and was looking at me as though she was expecting me to answer.

In these situations, I usually find it best to either say "No" or say a random number like "234". In this instance, I decided to say "No".

She frowned and then said, "Recent research has concluded that seatbelts can save lives". And she just looked at me.

I then made the mistake of saying, "Wow! You could have warned me I might have wanted to sit down before you give me news like that! You're blowing my mind away with your insight!"

It seems people who stand in the cold for hours on a Wednesday afternoon aren't partial to sarcasm.

In any quantity.

I'm guessing this wasn't what she was expecting me to say, because as soon as I said it she had a look of genuine disappointment on her face.

The kind of look you have when you hear the otter on Animal Park died during an operation, when you've just accidentally let £20 blow away in the wind, or you've just been told you're having fish for dinner.

She then said that she needed to go to the toilet and she was sorry to bother me. I still don't know whether she genuinely needed the toilet or whether it was just the sound of my voice that has an uncontrollable effect on people's bladders.

But she did manage to give me a leaflet before she went. It turns out the questionnaire she wanted me to fill in was funded by some strange company in Russia.

So just in case I'm found slumped in a cold alleyway with a radioactive polonium dart sticking out my back, just forward this story to the investigating officer.

'The latest figures suggest that flights abroad are becoming less popular'

Supposedly, this is the week, (half-term week) when many people are going to be booking their summer holidays. That's if they're not already on holiday - having put their last two, credit-crunched pennies towards the extortionate half-term prices.

It may only be a third of the price next week, but the fine from the school for parents taking their children away from detention and learning about John Milton's infused new significance into the concept of history in poetry, will make up for that.

Despite having no money, no job, and no Woolworths, people are still going on holiday.
They may not be going for a fortnight stay in the Maldives, relaxing in a 5-star hotel, or even waking up to the sound of tropical birds in a far-away land, but they're still going on holiday.

There is set to be an increase in people taking the cheaper options this year with the number of holidaymakers deciding to go camping or caravanning set to increase even more than last year.

Some camping parks, this year, are already fully booked and some people are having to join waiting lists for a camping reservation.

When you have to wait a year to go out of your warm house for the opportunity to sleep on the floor next to a tree, you know something is wrong.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the hotel industry.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds, over mountains, and high pressures, for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

For your whole life, you've made numerous successful attempts to open zips on coats, bags and trousers - but, you can bet that when you're soaking wet; trying to open a tent with frostbitten, icy-blue fingers that have been rendered useless, the zip to the tent will never open.

Camping is a holiday where you have to do your business in a hole (or even in a public washroom), go and eat in a restaurant that serves food that tastes and smells like donkey feet - where people look like extras from Dawn of the Dead from lack of sleep - before returning to your tent so you can lie on the floor in the freezing cold, and count how many fingers you have left.

But there have also been an increase in adventurous holiday packages over the last year. There's even a chance for people to learn to fly their own plane to their holiday destinations.

But then these are for people who have enough time and money on their hands that they are willing to learn to fly a plane. And it's not very convenient to have to learn to fly a plane just to have a weekend in Italy.

Learning to fly is not like a driving test when you just show the man in beige trousers you can reverse around a corner.

The latest figures suggest that flights abroad are becoming less popular. Although it does seem that there have been a few too many plane crashes lately.

Earlier this month there were complaints from passengers onboard an Aeroflot flight about to depart from Moscow to New York. They were waiting to take off - the excitement of getting an in-flight meal keeping them on the edge of their seats - when they started to question the mental state of their pilot - who turned out to be drunk.

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this ishhh your captain slurrrrrring. I reeeeally love you. No, I'm not just saying that. I reeeeally, reeeeally love all my passengers - because you're reeeeally, reeeeally lovely.'

It makes you wonder about the priorities of the airlines.

You're not allowed on the plane unless you've arrived 7 days in advance, the staff have ruined your laptop, revealed your underwear to all the other passengers while rummaging through your luggage, had a dozen spaniels sniffing around your shoes, and been shot at for trying to carry a bottle of water on the plane.

And the pilot just walks straight by like John Travolta at the start of Saturday Night Fever with a bottle of tequila in his hand, while you're queuing to be x-rayed in case you've got nail clippers in your pocket that you may use to hijack the plain by clipping everyone to death.

'It's somewhat lucky that the latest crime report was released without much mention from the press'

It's been a relatively good time for the government this week. They've managed to quietly announce the fact that reports of car crime and violent crime are on the increase compared to this time last year.

They managed to slip it out so quietly, so that even the Daily Mail didn't notice; while Britain was battling, hands on hips, with an ice age, and Carol Thatcher was being swallowed up by the fires of hell.

The usual freedom-of-speech argument crops up even more frequently now, thanks to the Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand scenario that nearly caused World War III.

It seems these days you can't talk about cement or a loaf of bread without getting the BCM (British Collective of Moaners) or the WIFA (Weeds Instead of Food Association) on your back.

Even Jeremy Clarkson had a slap on the wrist, again, for calling Gordon Brown a 'one-eyed Scottish idiot'.

Scottish? That's a little harsh.

Taking the fact that everyone was making snowmen and debating which words are socially acceptable (the f-word only after 9pm, the c-word: never, and the n-word: also never - unless you're Quentin Tarantino) the Government had managed to mention the latest crime figures in a tiny report that no one would notice.

A report of crime figures are always depressing and hearing MPs talking about them is even worse.

When talking about action against car crime, use of the word 'tough' has increased 59%. When referring to violent crime, the incidence of MPs saying "tough" has gone up by a massive 81%.

We are now 76% more likely to be assaulted by the phrase "more bobbies on the beat" than at any time in the last 50 years and millions of us now live in fear of the trauma of waking up to discover that Jacqui Smith is going to be calling a press conference.

Jacqui Smith will also be disappointed that the crime figures have risen, despite all her best efforts to only get all Conservatives arrested on a regular basis.

The main area, it seems, where incidences of crime had fallen are with burglaries. The only increase being with those people who left their houses to attend their weekly Neighbourhood Watch meeting.

The latest report states that young males are still the largest law-breakers. But this is easy to sort out. All that needs to be done is to introduce new laws to balance it out a little across the whole of society.

Laws like: arresting people who believe that pressing the button to call the lift several times is going to make it arrive any faster, handcuffing people who walk away from a jammed printer - knowing full well they were the ones to jam it, and charging people who think that slightly lowering your head into your shoulders when it's raining is going to stop you from getting any less wet.

It's somewhat lucky that the latest crime report was released without much mention from the press.

While listening to the usual tough-on-crime-tough-on-the-causes-of-crime speeches; if you can hear them over the members of the crowd shouting 'bugger off!', there's a certain amount of disillusionment that no matter how many catchphrases are used it won't make a difference.

With murders, knife attacks, car-theft, and mugging threatening people every day, the government are set to be 'tough' on crime and anyone who disagrees with this will get a dead leg from good ol' Jacqui Smith.

'If it's warm, we're too hot. If it's cool, we're too cold'

You could tell the British public that on Saturday, the polar icecaps will melt - causing tsunamis, hurricanes and tycoons that will accompany the fact that Great Yarmouth to Holyhead will be covered by 30 feet of water, and they'll probably shrug their shoulders and think it's a shame they won't be able to pot their geraniums this weekend. But give them a magic sprinkling of snow and the country suddenly grinds to a frosty halt.

So much for global warming.

"And now for the weather...it's snowing. The Met Office has issued a statement that everyone should stay at home and talk about the weather. All transport should come to a halt (more so than usual). The country should enter a state of national emergency. Television companies should ensure that 98% of national news is taken up by photographs of people's snow-covered driveways and pets. And phrases such as "Brrurrr" must be used at least once every hour - accompanied by a slight, pretend shiver while looking out of the nearest window or coming into contact with the unidentified, white, fluffy stuff on the ground."

Britain is closed. Snow is upon us and, it would seem, that it's actually the worst thing since the frequent power cuts in the 70s, the 1987 hurricane, and Mufasa falling off Pride Rock in The Lion King.

Britain is already starting to rebrand itself as the arctic capital of the world.

There's something always strange about British weather. In other countries they use the term 'climate' more frequently but Britain doesn't have a 'climate', it has 'weather'.

And, over the weekend, wherever you went, you will probably have heard someone say "Oohh, there's going to be snow next week!"

And whoever says this always seems surprised. The chances are that it's going to be sunny, rainy, cold, or mild - there can't be any other option, and yet, whatever the weather, this always comes as a surprise to everyone and manages to make front page headlines.

If it's warm, we're too hot. If it's cool, we're too cold.

And, once again, up and down the country, people are shaking their heads, pouting their lips and tutting in shock that a "little bit of snow" has bought the country to a standstill; suggesting that Britain isn't as prepared for snow as places like Canada.

Perhaps in the same way it's not as prepared as Miami for hurricanes or not as prepared as North Africa for swarms of locusts.

But it's difficult to actually know what the weather is going to be like in advance.

Everyone wants to know that the snow will be there when they wake up in the morning so they can be snowed in. Not the other way around.

So you watch the weather bulletins avidly but still never actually manage to get some decent information.
Every time snow is forecast, it states that it's going to be the "worst snowfall for the last million years" and even the weather forecasts just show a presenter waving their hands around giving the vaguest directions since E.T pointed at the moon.

And the forecast doesn't seem to be directed at those having to go to work or on a trip.

By the end of the forecast, you'll have heard about the Gulf Stream, air pressure, and the direction of the wind, but you'll still have no idea if it's going to snow outside your front door.

Wind direction is all well and good if you're spontaneously planning on flying a kite the following morning or parasailing to work, but if you're going by car, bus, or train - it's not much use.

But you can almost guarantee that all transport services will be called off and announcements of "Due to the critical weather, we're sorry to announce that all services are cancelled" after it's been snowing for about 3.5 seconds.

We know that Britain overreacts a little. And we know that so much as a cloud, a leaf, or a fart could bring the nation to a standstill.

But if we're only going to get it once every million years we may as well make the most of it.

Of course, broken hips, missed flights, lost income aren't that funny but children have got it right: snow is still fun.

Yesterday, we saw a rarity in the news; a few smiling faces. It got people outside the house, gave people something in common to talk about and even snow made people converse with each other on their way to work.

Even if it was to swap insurance details.

Get outside and enjoy the snow.

'The biggest hurdle seems to be the cost'

The government released hundreds of millions of pounds of contingency funds last week to keep work on the London Olympic 2012 venues on track amid a worsening credit crunch.

Some people have welcomed the Olympics with open arms and some have said that Britain and London has enough to deal with without the burden of hosting the games in 2012.

But, even though it's already going ahead anyway, some people are still dubious as to whether it was the right decision to make.

And while we think that, if China can organise a fortnight of running and jumping - we can too, no one really likes the idea of Lord Sir Pope Archbishop Earl Duke King His-Royal-Highness Seb Coe as chairman of the Olympic Games Committee.

Some people really like the Olympics; they like the idea of training, dedication and the glory of winning medals - a way of getting people involved in something national, and it supposedly gets young people off the street where they put holes in each other, and into an event where they can burn off a little steam and have a purpose at the same time.

All very good.

While I'm not really a fan of sport (or movement, for that matter) and while running is useful if you're late for the train, or fun if you're aged 7, I may find it difficult to be enthusiastic about the Olympics.

But whether you like it or not, it's there.

And the biggest hurdle seems to be the cost.

With a budget running up to nearly £10billion, it could easily be argued that quite a few baby incubators could have been bought, with enough left over to set up a whale sanctuary, and shove a new hip into every pensioner in the land.

It has been suggested that the National Lottery start to fund even more towards the Games, instead of funding schemes like Age Concern's £40,000, for a project called Meals on Wheels for Gluten-Free Birds.

And another problem is that, for some reason, the notion of sport has somehow become the business of government.

The moment when a sports competition got into the hands of those who built the Millennium Dome, attempt to run the NHS, allow our transport system to look like it's been designed by a toddler with a crayon, set up the ever-so successful Child Support Agency, took 21st Century Britain into war and couldn't balance the books at a primary school tombola, seemed to pass everyone's notice.

The new stadiums and set designs are said to symbolise modern Britain. Even the public, street viewing of the torch handover in East London was cancelled in London because a teenager got stabbed.

So if we jump forward to the summer of 2012, to the opening ceremony of the London Games, what are we likely to find? A perfect, ethnic blend of school children prancing about in the half-finished stadium wearing hard hats and protective goggles just in case they get exposed, in some way, to the Olympic flame.

And there will be no swimming events just in case someone drowns or slips on wet tiles. And no javelin events because you could have someone's eye out with one of those things.

We may have to see who can get a gold in crocheting or cross-stitching - making sure everyone wears metal gloves so they don't prick themselves on the needles.

And don't be surprised if, in four years' time, the Olympic torch is carried into that half-finished stadium in East London by Kerry Katona, following a 50-gun salute from the Wembley Crazee Killaz drive-by shooting posse, and a concert by Boy George.

The best idea would be to have a really cheap Olympic Games that's all crammed into one stadium in one day.

Then we can spend nearly the full £10billion on the most important part of the Games.

The fireworks.

'Millions of people watching all over the world, street parties and mass celebration'

A NEW dawn is upon America and upon the world.

Ever since Barack Obama first announced his candidacy in Springfield, Illinois, almost two years ago, we have witnessed a series of historic moments - each more significant than the last.

Barack Obama is, today, the world's most influential person, second only to Oprah Winfrey.

Of course, it wasn't only his ethnicity, charisma, and calibre that has made Obama the 44th President of the United States.

Even a flea, a dustpan, or Paris Hilton would have been better than George Bush.

At $42million Obama's inauguration party is set to be the most expensive and most-watched in history.

Almost $10million has been pumped into security as anyone from terrorists to plain idiots had to be looked out for.

But that shouldn't be too bad as, apart from Bush, all the other stupid people are either locked away in the Big Brother house or squabbling about obesity in Parliament back here in the UK.

And Obama's ceremony that has been going on for the last couple of days consists of, or has yet to consist of, Bruce Springsteen, Beyoncé, Mary J. Blige, Stevie Wonder and Shakira.

Compare this to George Bush's inauguration parties in 2001 and 2005 in which he pretended that Macy Gray, Lyle Lovett, Asleep At The Wheel and ZZ Top were his favourite artists, and so they were invited to come and perform to his audience of about 7 spectators; who were probably forced to watch at gunpoint or were just too slow to run away.

When asked about his terrible performance line-up and why no well-known singers were performing for his second inauguration, Bush used the excuse that America was "now a country at war".

This supposedly means that all of the best performers didn't come to his ceremony because of the war.

That's it. That's why he had singers no one had heard of.

It wasn't because they didn't like Bush but; Aretha Franklin, Bob Dylan, Diana Ross, Barbra Streisand, Elton John, Fleetwood Mac and Chuck Berry who were willing to perform for Bill Clinton's ceremony, were obviously too busy digging trenches at Afghanistan's front line to perform for George W.

And last week, Bush booked 15 minutes on all of the major television networks so he could make a speech about all of his achievements while in office. It's not yet decided, however, what he's going to do with the other 14minutes and 59 seconds.

He may decide to name the two things that didn't go quite to plan. Namely his first and second term in office.

And just to think that the most powerful man in the world, for two terms, is a man who asks questions like: "Is our children learning?" and has his finger over the big, red nuclear button with an unnerving idea that God is at his side.

Obama's personal train, over the last couple of days, has made its way from Philadelphia to Washington - following the same route that Abraham Lincoln took in 1861. A rustic old train.

I would have much preferred a private jet travelling in a high-altitude convoy, so you can step off the plane and wave at fans while walking down the steps like The Beatles or the Pope. All the spectators cheering and jumping for joy as you cross the tarmac without the regular holiday-makers with uneven sunburn, cheap airline headphones, an intoxicated slur, and deep-vein thrombosis.

But the American's certainly know how to have a party. Millions of people watching all over the world, street parties and mass celebration. The most we would manage in Britain is a shrug of the shoulders and a cheese sandwich for a new Prime Minister - each new one the same as the last.

But people all over America aren't just crying tears of joy and cheering that Bush is finally out of the White House, they're rejoicing at the fact that history has been made and the global table has been turned.
They see the world as a new place with just the election of one man who, at least, promises some sort of hope, no matter how fairytale, to add a new chapter to the American Dream.

A symbol of supremacy in the anti-racism movements and equality factions that have shed much time and blood throughout history - now as an icon, a stature, and an exemplar of social mobility on an international stage.

But with the economy, unemployment, the Guantanamo Bay issue, climate change and the like, all building up to catastrophic proportions, it would seem that Obama has taken the helm of a country in decline.

And now, as the USA welcomes its first black president, Americans have finally advanced beyond their racial past, and, perhaps ironically, picked a black man to clean up their mess.

'It seems the only ones who will be benefiting are ITV with increased viewing figures for Jeremy Kyle'

WE'VE HAD Christmas, New Year and the January sales. The time when people push each other over to buy things they don't need with money they haven't got is over, and, a few weeks into January, the year is officially in full swing.

And we're already hearing the 'crisis' stories. No money. Global warming. Recycling. Credit Crunch. Broken Britain. The end of the Earth.

David Cameron said, last month, that we should all think a little less about money and more about our standard of living.

Of course, this is nice for parents who have time to play scrabble with their children, stay at home trimming the hedge, and spend their time scattering grain for the chickens. And for their children who come out of school, across the village green, with rosy cheeks; throwing their grammar school hats in the air and heading off to catch newts in the local stream.

Unfortunately, many people can't do that. There's food to buy, mouths to feed, and Dancing On Ice voting to be done.

Hundreds of jobs are disappearing every week, and with the unemployment level estimated to be reaching 3million this year it seems the only ones who will be benefiting are ITV with increased viewing figures for Jeremy Kyle.

A story last week suggested that some long-distance commuters are giving up their jobs because the fuel prices and taxes meant the jobs aren't worth getting to. And the only reason the government doesn't ban driving altogether is because it needs the income from fuel and motoring taxes to bail out Jaguar, Land Rover and the last few cogs of the British motor trade.

Owned by India.

And the motor industry is failing because no one is buying cars - perhaps because they can't afford the extortionate taxes. A vicious cycle.

But don't worry. Mr Brooooon is going to be creating 100,000 more jobs this year. Only 2,900,000 left to create.

But it's not his fault there are no jobs; that's America's fault as well.

And as people can't sell their houses, Eastern European's will build you an extension. They charge good money, turn up on time, work hard, don't shout remarks and whistle at women, and don't urinate in your sink. You couldn't ask for any more.

And like a lot of telephone switchboard-manning jobs, many train operators have moved their telephone enquiries abroad.

Third World wages for Britain's Third World transport system.

By doing that, they're hoping to save up to £12 million - currently the going-rate for an open return ticket from Birmingham to London.

And, unlike in Britain, when you call the rail enquiries hotline abroad, you won't get an answer phone recording with the message: "We're sorry to inform you that all trains are currently buggered. We apologise for any inconvenience caused."

So, with jobs disappearing faster than something really fast, everyone will have to get retained in something politically correct and preferably offered by the council or HM Revenue and Customs.

Perhaps a job in which the government will be on your side, give you a six figure salary, and 300 days a year holiday. Many people will have to train as a global warming press officer, ladder-climbing trainer, or a bereavement counsellor for the One-Legged Lesbian Alliance