Who Wants to Be a British Citizen?

'You are just 9 questions away from a lifetime supply of teabags'

If you ask a MP their thoughts on crime, they'll say it is a bad thing indeed. If you ask them their thoughts on the economy, they'll say it's a very, very bad thing indeed. If you ask a MP about immigration, they'll freeze and look like they've just broken wind in front of the Queen. In a confined space.

The topic of immigration manages to get the government hot under the collar for fear they will be criticised for being unpatriotic if they fully open the borders to every Tom, Dick and Hunrikadelz - or classed as racist if they say no to immigration.

The new points system for immigration, in which the term 'new' is used loosely, is said to be 'working well,' but the idea of an island as small as Britain reaching a population of over 70 million residents in the next 20 years has caused a stir.

The new points system is to replace the near-automatic entry in to Britain. Before this, anyone who has lived in Britain for at least 5 years without a criminal record was guaranteed legal citizenship. That is, if you break the law for 5 years, you were then protected under a new one.

However, there are many other systems that have been tested over the last few years and may still make a comeback. For example, there was much talk of having a 'Britishness' test that those wanting British citizenship must pass:

Welcome to 'Who Wants to Be a British Citizen?' You are just 9 questions away from a lifetime supply of teabags. Please answer by circling Yes or No.

1.Do you have an incredible fixation with the weather? Yes/No

For your own information:
Although here in Britain we have free speech, don't say anything. A housewife is now a 'domestic engineer', old people are 'senior citizens', and aliens are 'universal freedom explorers'. Please do not walk anywhere carrying any money - but it's unlikely that you'll have any anyway. The economy has gone down the pan so the only things in the black at the moment are Alistair Darling's eyebrows.

Another suggestion has been to create a booklet that teaches potential immigrants about Britain and the British norms and values; condensing everything that defines the nation into one book. But how do you explain to potential immigrants about Cillit Bang? And Gillian McKeith? And how everyone in the country sings for Simon Cowell's supper?

Forgetting all democratic processes, the government could erect a large wall around the United Kingdom with turrets on the top. But, then again, try building a 7,500 mile wall around the UK without the help of migrant workers.

The current immigration situation over the last few years has been blamed on everything from global warming, to the economy, to the government under Mr. Anthony Blair - whose wife is currently said to be suffering from swine flu (a direct result of the family continuing to have their snouts in the trough for the last few years).

But it's a difficult situation to talk about and while gets discussed and debated in Parliament, Britain is made out to have the same immigration policy as the Native Americans.

There's always going to be arguments over immigration, and the debate about whether it's being racist to suggest that no one should be allowed into the country will go on for even longer. It will oppose the view that immigrants have made an improvement to the economy and the healthcare system and they should be allowed to migrate to the UK as they please, as long as they meet the requirements.

In 1973 when Britain joined the EEC, there was a mass wave of immigration. Crowds of Dutch people poured into Britain forcing everyone to wear clogs and eat waxy cheese and soon the windmills were going up at the end of every street. 'It was awful,' someone said. 'Before you knew it the place stunk of tulips and everyone was cycling everywhere, speaking perfect English.'

'Some of them come here, don't work, and then expect the state to give them money so they can go and buy cigarettes and Beatles memorabilia.'

'Then came the Belgians with their fancy larger and delicious chocolates and their...I can't remember any more stereotypical national characteristics but they were a pain in the neck.'

'And what about those Polish? They come over here to work as handymen; turn up on time, work really hard, don't rip you off, and refuse to shout offensive remarks at women. They're ruining our traditional British values!'

On the one hand, the media portray Britain as bulging under the strain of the population with not enough health services and schools to accommodate everyone. Whereas some portray the condition of immigration as being the largest boost to the economy since Hogwarts joined the EU.

It depends which way you look at it.

There is also the fact that over 55,000 people are ditching the shores of sunny Britain for a home abroad compared to the approximate 230,000 entering the country every year. But with the government's top secret plan to continue to aggravate the British public, the emigration figure is expected to rise dramatically.

Some say that the immigration problem is caused by people from all over Europe flooding into Britain to take all the jobs that British people don't want to do - like clean toilets, harvest vegetables or score 25 goals per season in the Premier League.

And others say that it's the more skilled workers that are being imported by the UK to work as nurses, scientists, and doctors. And, if this is the case, the cause of the immigration problem may just be the fact that half of Europe has moved to Britain to get an appointment with their local GP.