In The News: The Week of the Parents

'If you believe the press, it's a difficult time to be a parent'

There has been a lot of news this week targeting parents. Firstly, there was criticism of parents on Monday when it was announced that more and more parents are calling their children peculiar names.

There's an unwritten rule that as soon as a couple have a baby and you know whether it's a boy or a girl, you must first ask how much it weighs. Then, when you've thought about what the equivalent weight is in bags of sugar you can move on to the next stage; which is asking the proud parents what name they have chosen.

Then you have to smile and look really pleased for them when they tell you that they've named their newborn baby T.K. Maxx.

But apart from the naming of their children, parents have featured in many more headlines over the week.

There has been much in the news this week already featuring the phrase 'Back to School' - a turn of phrase that younger children may not mind hearing, if all they have to do at school is draw all day and spell the word 'cat.' But for those who are older and the phrase conjures up images of The Chartist Movement, 19th Century Poetry and Simultaneous Equations, the world may be looking a little bleak.

However, the reason the phrase has been in the news lately is mainly down to the idea of cost for parents. 'School Bell Leaves Alarm Ringing for Parents','Parents Unable to Afford School Trips for Children' and 'Parents Struggle to Afford Uniform and Stationery' were just some of the headlines to grace the news pages this week.

And styles of parenting also made the news.

It has been an accepted notion in the last few years that parents should not be 'pushy' and not force their ideals and aspirations on to their children.

Yet, Alan Milburn MP released a report recently suggesting that parents should be more pushy.

And if anyone was interested in what Alan Milburn MP had to say, there would be a stampede of parents rushing out to book piano lessons and elocution tutors. And parents would have their children hooked up on a drip as they slept - supplying them with copious amounts of Omega 3 while they whisper in their child's ear, 'You have the potential to be great!' over and over again.

The response to the report has been that parents always think that their children are better than everyone else's children anyway. Spending time at school in the day, coming home and learning time's tables and how to speak Mandarin before sharing a hot bath with Enid Blyton.

'T.K.Maxx is coming on really well. Oh, and did I tell you that Netto cured cancer last week with the chemistry set we bought him for Christmas?'

If you believe the press, it's a difficult time to be a parent.

Do you encourage your children to play on the street? Should you object if they want watch violent films? Should you make sure they learn French?

Perhaps play in sight of the house? Perhaps the occasional film if vetted by the parent first? And perhaps learn just enough French to be able to say to a French waiter, 'Please tell me this isn't snails I'm eating'.

Should parents give children a push in the direction of studying and passing exams to become a world-famous astronaut? Or let them become a free spirit, live off the land and support charities such as NSPCL (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Lettuce)?

And then there's the issue about what to put in a child's lunchbox. This week, it was announced by The World Cancer Research Fund that feeding your child ham severely increases the risk of bowel cancer.

Put the bacon down, and no one gets hurt! Step away from the spam! Is that a salami in your pocket or are you just about to pay a large contributing factor to your child's death?

The report said that the 3,700 bowel cancer cases each year could be avoided if everyone ate no more than 70g of processed meat per week. That's the equivalent of 3 rashers of bacon or 1 and a half sausages.

Parents will have to compare that with other claims from just this week alone, stating that some of the foods that prevent cancer are; blueberries, carrots, avocados, tomatoes and cheese. And foods that cause cancer are fries, steak, mackerel, sugar-free sweets and cheese.

Of course, cheese has appeared in both lists but, as these were all published in British newspapers, then both claims must be true.

And then there's the latest political correctness that has taken the school by storm.

At sports days, there are some schools in the country that have made sure that no child loses a race. And that's in the schools where they haven't banned sports day altogether.

Some schools that were reported about this year had ensured that pupils that came last in a race were told that they were the 'last winner'. In fact, most of the sports involved running around in circles until everyone was tired and then they all went home with a trophy.

And this leads into the next headline of the week. 'Competition Between Parents Reaches New Heights'.

A new survey (one of the several hundred that are carried out every day) suggests that while competition between children is on the decline, competition between parents is on the increase.

The report stated that while children were running around at their sports day this year with everyone winning and no one losing, there were brutal competitions between parents who stood on the sidelines eating home-made snacks.

Apparently, the latest craze sweeping the schools is to have parents prepare healthy food to bring along to the sports day. And then the real competition begins. Parents at a school in Kent, this year, were reported to have begun a food fight over whose pasta salad was the best.

One parent who was in tears for having their pasta salad thrown into the hedge said, 'It's just not fair. It took me ages to make and Chardonnay's parents just tossed it aside. So I gave them a Chinese burn.'

Another parent made claims that they were called mean names. Apparently, one man was verbally attacked by Reebok's parents who said that he stinks and that he was a pig. He retaliated by saying, 'I know you are but what am I?'

And even though the children's races have declined in case it hurts their feelings, (even playing Tag is considered victimisation) the parent's race is still in top form, with some parents reportedly training for weeks before the day.

Welcome to the Sports Day Training Programme For Parents. This programme is to prepare parents who are not used to running to be able to successfully take part in the parent's race at your child's sports day. This will save huge embarrassment for you and your offspring.

Rule number 3: No wunning aloud! Wunning is the combination of walking and running and it causes emotional turmoil for the child to see their parent wunning. It's for parents who feel like they're going to lose anyway so they may as well only make a half-arsed effort. Someone who is wunning does not look like they're in a race - they look more like they're trying to find the nearest toilet because they've just pooed themselves.

In fact, even John Prescott took part in a sack race this week for the opening of a new sports centre in Hull. Of course, having the aerodynamic properties of a bungalow and the coordination of an American bombing attack, he ultimately fell flat on his face.

But that's not all. There has been even more news piling the pressure on for parents.

On Tuesday, the Conservatives revealed plans to subsidy pupils by up to £5,000 for those children at private schools whose parents have lost their jobs.

While it's good news for the parents of children at private school and bad news for the taxpayer, the news has once again managed to open the debate about whether children receive a better education at private schools.

We hear stories about students from private schools who have received a million A-levels but couldn't get a place at university because their chosen universities are being told to favour those students from state schools.

But then the media add fuel to the fire by practically suggesting that state schools are only good for students if they want to end up with a degree in painting nails, or burping or drive-by shooting.

It's obviously not true that a private school education leads to a better outcome in later life. Success in life comes down to the type of person you are, not how many chemical symbols you can remember or whether you're able to recite the complete works of John Keats.

That's unless you're not the sharpest tool in the shed - in which case going to state school or private school doesn't matter, you'll still end up as a councillor.

And soon there'll be more news targeted at parents in the coming weeks.

As it's coming closer to that time of year again, there'll be the usual stories in the news about gap years and how dangerous they are. Another student with 'the world at their feet' who's gone missing while wading through some marshland on the wrong side of Somalia.

And the parents will have to stay at home and worry; wishing that their precious children, Diet Coke and Toyota, had stayed home and experimented with bull fighting and sword swallowing instead. 'It's much safer,' they'll be saying.