August 2009 Archives

'If you believe the press, it's a difficult time to be a parent'

There has been a lot of news this week targeting parents. Firstly, there was criticism of parents on Monday when it was announced that more and more parents are calling their children peculiar names.

There's an unwritten rule that as soon as a couple have a baby and you know whether it's a boy or a girl, you must first ask how much it weighs. Then, when you've thought about what the equivalent weight is in bags of sugar you can move on to the next stage; which is asking the proud parents what name they have chosen.

Then you have to smile and look really pleased for them when they tell you that they've named their newborn baby T.K. Maxx.

But apart from the naming of their children, parents have featured in many more headlines over the week.

There has been much in the news this week already featuring the phrase 'Back to School' - a turn of phrase that younger children may not mind hearing, if all they have to do at school is draw all day and spell the word 'cat.' But for those who are older and the phrase conjures up images of The Chartist Movement, 19th Century Poetry and Simultaneous Equations, the world may be looking a little bleak.

However, the reason the phrase has been in the news lately is mainly down to the idea of cost for parents. 'School Bell Leaves Alarm Ringing for Parents','Parents Unable to Afford School Trips for Children' and 'Parents Struggle to Afford Uniform and Stationery' were just some of the headlines to grace the news pages this week.

And styles of parenting also made the news.

It has been an accepted notion in the last few years that parents should not be 'pushy' and not force their ideals and aspirations on to their children.

Yet, Alan Milburn MP released a report recently suggesting that parents should be more pushy.

And if anyone was interested in what Alan Milburn MP had to say, there would be a stampede of parents rushing out to book piano lessons and elocution tutors. And parents would have their children hooked up on a drip as they slept - supplying them with copious amounts of Omega 3 while they whisper in their child's ear, 'You have the potential to be great!' over and over again.

The response to the report has been that parents always think that their children are better than everyone else's children anyway. Spending time at school in the day, coming home and learning time's tables and how to speak Mandarin before sharing a hot bath with Enid Blyton.

'T.K.Maxx is coming on really well. Oh, and did I tell you that Netto cured cancer last week with the chemistry set we bought him for Christmas?'

If you believe the press, it's a difficult time to be a parent.

Do you encourage your children to play on the street? Should you object if they want watch violent films? Should you make sure they learn French?

Perhaps play in sight of the house? Perhaps the occasional film if vetted by the parent first? And perhaps learn just enough French to be able to say to a French waiter, 'Please tell me this isn't snails I'm eating'.

Should parents give children a push in the direction of studying and passing exams to become a world-famous astronaut? Or let them become a free spirit, live off the land and support charities such as NSPCL (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Lettuce)?

And then there's the issue about what to put in a child's lunchbox. This week, it was announced by The World Cancer Research Fund that feeding your child ham severely increases the risk of bowel cancer.

Put the bacon down, and no one gets hurt! Step away from the spam! Is that a salami in your pocket or are you just about to pay a large contributing factor to your child's death?

The report said that the 3,700 bowel cancer cases each year could be avoided if everyone ate no more than 70g of processed meat per week. That's the equivalent of 3 rashers of bacon or 1 and a half sausages.

Parents will have to compare that with other claims from just this week alone, stating that some of the foods that prevent cancer are; blueberries, carrots, avocados, tomatoes and cheese. And foods that cause cancer are fries, steak, mackerel, sugar-free sweets and cheese.

Of course, cheese has appeared in both lists but, as these were all published in British newspapers, then both claims must be true.

And then there's the latest political correctness that has taken the school by storm.

At sports days, there are some schools in the country that have made sure that no child loses a race. And that's in the schools where they haven't banned sports day altogether.

Some schools that were reported about this year had ensured that pupils that came last in a race were told that they were the 'last winner'. In fact, most of the sports involved running around in circles until everyone was tired and then they all went home with a trophy.

And this leads into the next headline of the week. 'Competition Between Parents Reaches New Heights'.

A new survey (one of the several hundred that are carried out every day) suggests that while competition between children is on the decline, competition between parents is on the increase.

The report stated that while children were running around at their sports day this year with everyone winning and no one losing, there were brutal competitions between parents who stood on the sidelines eating home-made snacks.

Apparently, the latest craze sweeping the schools is to have parents prepare healthy food to bring along to the sports day. And then the real competition begins. Parents at a school in Kent, this year, were reported to have begun a food fight over whose pasta salad was the best.

One parent who was in tears for having their pasta salad thrown into the hedge said, 'It's just not fair. It took me ages to make and Chardonnay's parents just tossed it aside. So I gave them a Chinese burn.'

Another parent made claims that they were called mean names. Apparently, one man was verbally attacked by Reebok's parents who said that he stinks and that he was a pig. He retaliated by saying, 'I know you are but what am I?'

And even though the children's races have declined in case it hurts their feelings, (even playing Tag is considered victimisation) the parent's race is still in top form, with some parents reportedly training for weeks before the day.

Welcome to the Sports Day Training Programme For Parents. This programme is to prepare parents who are not used to running to be able to successfully take part in the parent's race at your child's sports day. This will save huge embarrassment for you and your offspring.

Rule number 3: No wunning aloud! Wunning is the combination of walking and running and it causes emotional turmoil for the child to see their parent wunning. It's for parents who feel like they're going to lose anyway so they may as well only make a half-arsed effort. Someone who is wunning does not look like they're in a race - they look more like they're trying to find the nearest toilet because they've just pooed themselves.

In fact, even John Prescott took part in a sack race this week for the opening of a new sports centre in Hull. Of course, having the aerodynamic properties of a bungalow and the coordination of an American bombing attack, he ultimately fell flat on his face.

But that's not all. There has been even more news piling the pressure on for parents.

On Tuesday, the Conservatives revealed plans to subsidy pupils by up to £5,000 for those children at private schools whose parents have lost their jobs.

While it's good news for the parents of children at private school and bad news for the taxpayer, the news has once again managed to open the debate about whether children receive a better education at private schools.

We hear stories about students from private schools who have received a million A-levels but couldn't get a place at university because their chosen universities are being told to favour those students from state schools.

But then the media add fuel to the fire by practically suggesting that state schools are only good for students if they want to end up with a degree in painting nails, or burping or drive-by shooting.

It's obviously not true that a private school education leads to a better outcome in later life. Success in life comes down to the type of person you are, not how many chemical symbols you can remember or whether you're able to recite the complete works of John Keats.

That's unless you're not the sharpest tool in the shed - in which case going to state school or private school doesn't matter, you'll still end up as a councillor.

And soon there'll be more news targeted at parents in the coming weeks.

As it's coming closer to that time of year again, there'll be the usual stories in the news about gap years and how dangerous they are. Another student with 'the world at their feet' who's gone missing while wading through some marshland on the wrong side of Somalia.

And the parents will have to stay at home and worry; wishing that their precious children, Diet Coke and Toyota, had stayed home and experimented with bull fighting and sword swallowing instead. 'It's much safer,' they'll be saying.

'How will people of the future look back at this time period?'

Yesterday, after the mention of the West Midlands being the region that has suffered the highest levels of unemployment in recent times, Peter Mandelson said that all will improve because 'what Midlands people do is help themselves'. This creates an image that suggests everyone will be able to get up as though they're in an American film from the 1950s and march out on the streets hunting down work. Perhaps by heading off to the local ranch in the Wild West of Birmingham to become a 'grafter' and make horseshoes while singing the blues.

Now, Peter Mandelson has contributed to a book called 'The City in Europe and the World' and he has also written his own book called 'The Blair Revolution' - soon to be followed by 'The Blair Revolution 2: The Brown Ultimatum' and then 'The Blair Revolution 3: I Know What You Did Last Decade...and I've Already Chosen The Curtains I Want When I Move Into Number 10, So Move Over Mr Brown'.

It's not uncommon to hear about people in government or those closely associated with politics to release books adding their own spin on the situation. Alistair Campbell published the book about his time with Tony Blair and Vince Cable, more recently, published a book called 'The Storm: The World Economic Crisis and What it Means'.

But if those publishing books about the state of our country are politically biased, what does that mean for the portrayal of our current society to those generations to come?

How will people of the future look back at this time period - especially if all the information and supposedly reliable sources become distorted over time?

There will probably be a future GCSE syllabus explaining that children should have to learn about how William Hague, George Osborne and Ann Widdecombe scored a hat trick each in the 2010 FIFA World Cup final.

Or how Davina McCall became the British Prime Minister and waged a civil war against Bristol.

History classes of the future would definitely be affected if our politicians are the ones writing the history.

'Today class, we're going to be learning about how Gordon Brown saved the British public from Swine Flu back in 2009. Please take out your copy of "How I Saved the British Public from Swine Flu in 2009" by Gordon Brown and turn to chapter 7.'

That's unless the sources the future students use in their classes are going to be more from the far left.

'In 2009, many MPs were criticised just for borrowing money from their constituents. The MPs only wanted to make their homes more comfortable as a reward for the hard work they do. How do you think the public's criticism made those poor MPs feel?'

And then there's the chance that information sources can get a little confusing over time. Like Chinese whispers.

'This afternoon, we're going to watch a documentary about the Queen of England, Queen Helen Mirren, in 1997.'

'Guy Fawkes broke the conditions of his ASBO when he attempted to destroy Parliament.'

'William Shakespeare's plays were a complete flop as he was refused funding from the Arts Council for not making his plays appeal to all generations and for not being modern and politically correct. (They did not feature a disabled, self-harming Lesbian from Thailand as the lead role.)'

Today's society is obviously a lot different from any other time in history and it's also totally different from what it will be like in 100 years in the future.

We're of the modern age. We're free trade, organic and smoke-free. We're bite size, wireless and in high definition. We're pre-packed, interactive and scientifically proven. We're uploaded, downloaded and prematurely post traumatic.

We worry about the onset of baldness and cellulite to the same extent that those in the 1700s worried about cholera.

How are we going to ensure that future generations know about us and all the things we did and liked?

How are we going to keep the stories going and let the future residents of the world know about all of the great British icons like Charles Dickens, Winston Churchill and Mr Bean?

How are we going to let people know about the Monarchy and how the Queen was head of state before the authentic power was handed over to Rupert Murdoch?

How are we going to let everyone know that people in England didn't really live in castles and spend all day drinking tea with Hugh Grant?

We need to ensure that creating the perception of society today for tomorrow's history books is not left to those who have a warped sense of reality. It's important that people of the future know about what it was truly like to be living in 2009 - surrounded by economic turmoil, the fuel crisis and repeats of Antiques Roadshow.

Even when the current generation are old and withered, their grandchildren will be asking, 'What was it like living in the old days with all those great minds such as Stephen Fry, David Attenborough and Katie Price? And tell me about Facebook and Twitter again.'

With politicians writing the books on social commentary, how is anyone in the future going to find out about all the things that are important to today's popular culture? Strictly Come Dancing, The X Factor, or the one where the entire house is filled with dim, self-important people who have nothing better to do than sit around all day talking about voting, moaning and arguing: The Houses of Parliament.

'You are just 9 questions away from a lifetime supply of teabags'

If you ask a MP their thoughts on crime, they'll say it is a bad thing indeed. If you ask them their thoughts on the economy, they'll say it's a very, very bad thing indeed. If you ask a MP about immigration, they'll freeze and look like they've just broken wind in front of the Queen. In a confined space.

The topic of immigration manages to get the government hot under the collar for fear they will be criticised for being unpatriotic if they fully open the borders to every Tom, Dick and Hunrikadelz - or classed as racist if they say no to immigration.

The new points system for immigration, in which the term 'new' is used loosely, is said to be 'working well,' but the idea of an island as small as Britain reaching a population of over 70 million residents in the next 20 years has caused a stir.

The new points system is to replace the near-automatic entry in to Britain. Before this, anyone who has lived in Britain for at least 5 years without a criminal record was guaranteed legal citizenship. That is, if you break the law for 5 years, you were then protected under a new one.

However, there are many other systems that have been tested over the last few years and may still make a comeback. For example, there was much talk of having a 'Britishness' test that those wanting British citizenship must pass:

Welcome to 'Who Wants to Be a British Citizen?' You are just 9 questions away from a lifetime supply of teabags. Please answer by circling Yes or No.

1.Do you have an incredible fixation with the weather? Yes/No

For your own information:
Although here in Britain we have free speech, don't say anything. A housewife is now a 'domestic engineer', old people are 'senior citizens', and aliens are 'universal freedom explorers'. Please do not walk anywhere carrying any money - but it's unlikely that you'll have any anyway. The economy has gone down the pan so the only things in the black at the moment are Alistair Darling's eyebrows.

Another suggestion has been to create a booklet that teaches potential immigrants about Britain and the British norms and values; condensing everything that defines the nation into one book. But how do you explain to potential immigrants about Cillit Bang? And Gillian McKeith? And how everyone in the country sings for Simon Cowell's supper?

Forgetting all democratic processes, the government could erect a large wall around the United Kingdom with turrets on the top. But, then again, try building a 7,500 mile wall around the UK without the help of migrant workers.

The current immigration situation over the last few years has been blamed on everything from global warming, to the economy, to the government under Mr. Anthony Blair - whose wife is currently said to be suffering from swine flu (a direct result of the family continuing to have their snouts in the trough for the last few years).

But it's a difficult situation to talk about and while gets discussed and debated in Parliament, Britain is made out to have the same immigration policy as the Native Americans.

There's always going to be arguments over immigration, and the debate about whether it's being racist to suggest that no one should be allowed into the country will go on for even longer. It will oppose the view that immigrants have made an improvement to the economy and the healthcare system and they should be allowed to migrate to the UK as they please, as long as they meet the requirements.

In 1973 when Britain joined the EEC, there was a mass wave of immigration. Crowds of Dutch people poured into Britain forcing everyone to wear clogs and eat waxy cheese and soon the windmills were going up at the end of every street. 'It was awful,' someone said. 'Before you knew it the place stunk of tulips and everyone was cycling everywhere, speaking perfect English.'

'Some of them come here, don't work, and then expect the state to give them money so they can go and buy cigarettes and Beatles memorabilia.'

'Then came the Belgians with their fancy larger and delicious chocolates and their...I can't remember any more stereotypical national characteristics but they were a pain in the neck.'

'And what about those Polish? They come over here to work as handymen; turn up on time, work really hard, don't rip you off, and refuse to shout offensive remarks at women. They're ruining our traditional British values!'

On the one hand, the media portray Britain as bulging under the strain of the population with not enough health services and schools to accommodate everyone. Whereas some portray the condition of immigration as being the largest boost to the economy since Hogwarts joined the EU.

It depends which way you look at it.

There is also the fact that over 55,000 people are ditching the shores of sunny Britain for a home abroad compared to the approximate 230,000 entering the country every year. But with the government's top secret plan to continue to aggravate the British public, the emigration figure is expected to rise dramatically.

Some say that the immigration problem is caused by people from all over Europe flooding into Britain to take all the jobs that British people don't want to do - like clean toilets, harvest vegetables or score 25 goals per season in the Premier League.

And others say that it's the more skilled workers that are being imported by the UK to work as nurses, scientists, and doctors. And, if this is the case, the cause of the immigration problem may just be the fact that half of Europe has moved to Britain to get an appointment with their local GP.