ID Theft and the Latest Smooth Criminals
'You can no longer recognise a criminal'
There was a time when talking about crime would automatically conjure images of burglars climbing through windows, suspicious-looking people on street corners, and having to come back from purchasing a kebab with your buttocks full of lead.
We're told that all children practice criminal activities on their video games to ensure that in real life, by the age of six, they have enough experience to bump off anyone who threatens their drug empire.
But the fastest-rising types of crime in today's society are not coming from thugs in the street. Modern technology has allowed criminals with a higher IQ than that of a daffodil to proliferate. Now corporate and bureaucratic corruption from the top of the hierarchical scale is beginning to dominate - as well as that of identification fraud.
The latest news from the government's National Fraud Strategic Authority last week was not that they have been exposed as a gang of imposters secretly controlled by the Russian Mafia, but that they are launching a cyber security strategy in order to combat information crime.
Information and ID fraud are on the increase and with the latest warnings that it's costing the country £1.7 billion every year - almost as much as MPs - and so planning strategies have been stepped up. People are terrified that someone could be using their identity to take all of their money, carryout illegal activities or worse - order books by Katie Price in their name.
People hate the idea that someone could go looking through their rubbish bins, find their organic yoghurt cartons and past editions of The Polo Times and decide they have far too much money and that they are going to help themselves to some.
The main problem with identity fraud that comes with the advancements of technology is that you can no longer recognise a criminal. You can't just see someone dressed in a black and white striped top with a woolly hat on their head and a sack over their shoulder containing next doors' Kenwwood Smoothie Maker. Today's cyber criminals may wear a suit, call their children Doughnut and Banana, and have a fondness for caviar.
There has been much speculation in the past as to whether a criminal can be defined by their physical attributes, with the debate still open as to whether someone's appearance can give an indication as to whether that person has a violent nature.
A recent study has suggested that members of a jury base part of their verdict on the physical appearance of the defendant. For example, the defendant, a member of parliament, may have evidence to show they were in their luxury French villa when the £9 million was stolen from the Bank of England, and they may bring out Barack Obama and Nelson Mandela as character witnesses. But if they're not wearing Armani, they'd better get used to communal showers. "Off with his head," the jury will cry, "He has a beard and everything!"
It was confirmed this week that ID cards were going to be optional. The initial £5 billion idea was to reduce ID fraud and to curb terrorism - as though all terrorists would have Occupation: Terrorist on their card and that criminals themselves were going to have the knowhow to fill in the complicated application form anyway.
Dear Applicant,
Please read this form carefully. Complete all sections in black ink and in full block capitals. Enter your name and address in the boxes provided. Then curse and look to the heavens when you realise you've entered your first name in the 'surname' box. Do not include your previous employment, skills or level of education - it is of no use to anyone. Please do include any incriminating evidence that could cause you to become a hated public figure. Applicants for the ID cards are reminded that we do not recommend that you even have an identity - any individuality of any kind is strongly advised against. Please tick the box at the end of the form as to whether you are in favour of having a barcode tattooed across your face so you can be tracked wherever you go in your miserable little life.
Please note: The Home Office is a highly flawed department and we cannot be held responsible if your personal data or the details of that embarrassingly large boil on your bottom, that you did not want anyone to know about, is left on public transport or sold to the Telegraph.
19 Comments
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Nathan Jolly - an 19-year-old hospital radio presenter from Birmingham.
It’s amazing how you went from making me cry last week to making me laugh my head off this week! I love the way you write to entertain and evoke instead of just moaning. Whatever subject you write about you manage to look at from an original angle giving a much fresher and hilarious feel! This is the best one yet! Another great piece of writing that I could read again and again!
Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhoooooooooooooooooo!!! Thank goodness I’m not having to go to beed feeling really sad! I lay in bed last week thinking about what you said and I felt awful but it was a fantastic read that needed to be said. This weeks is amazing as usual! How funny! I sometimes like to quote some funny parts but i would just have to copy and paste the whole article again because the whole thing is brilliant. When I’ve stopped laughing I’ll go and read it again. It’s so funny and yet you manage to get across some really great points about how we judge people in a great way. Totally Totally Totally Totally Totally Wicked MAN!
Warning! Do not read this if you are eating or drinking! One of my favourites...but then saying that they all are. I read some of you old columns yesterday just to see how you have changed in writing style and yet there is no change at all! Most people would get better but you have remained on top form all along. Long live Monday nights!!
Criminals are getting much smarter and all this technology is making it easier for them! Just look at how everyone is signing into this myface business, they say thats where alot of online fraud and crime is taking place putting viruses on our computer that will ruin us! Even worse than swine flu! This is another hilarious article and i like the parts about how we judge people by what they look like and how its not the people on the street we should be worried about, its the thieving mps and the corrupt bankers who are robbing us of our money and our life! Well said! All of the mps should be locked up! And i remember when someone my husband used to know trying to get a job as a train driver and he was turned down because he has a tiny tattoo on his wrist! Not that i agree with tattoos but he really quite a nice person. Thank you once again for an amazing article!
I once saw a elderly lady...older than me...ha ha.. she had fallen over by the side of the road. I was inside and i could see through the upstairs window. A man in a suit looked at her and carried on walking and one of those young chavy people went over and helped her up. So i see how much we need to change our perception of people! This is another great article with so much comedy and serious issues combined with a lot of important stuff hidden beneath the surface. The way you write them never fails to amaze me. Wonderfully presented. Thanks once again, for now and always.
I know people have said this before but i do feel like giving a big round of applause when i get to the end of each of your articles. They just manage to cheer me up no end. They’re just so funny and there’s always a good message hidden in the middle of it. When it comes up on a Monday night i have to try and get myself to slow down when i read it because i get excited and miss bits, i have to read it slowly to take it all in! Fantastic article! :
6 year olds with drug empires, the governments National Fraud Strategic Authority are secretly controlled by the Russian mafia and a burgalar with next doors smoothie maker? Please tell me where on earth i could get all that and more on this planet? Nowhere. Simply genius. I need a good laugh lately and this always works. You have such a diverse range from making me cry to making me laugh, you’re a marketing departments dream! Fantastic!
I wanted to comment last week but didn’t get a chance! Last weeks was so upsetting i felt like my heart was renched out and i really did cry myself to sleep, i never really though of it like that. Thank you so much for letting me see that. One of my friends was being a bit mean about him and i made her read your article and she was in tears by the end and sad for the way she had been towards him and she can now see what everyone is on about. Secondly, this is a brilliantly funny article that is hilarious and still manages to shoot holes in our corrupt society. I will be always be following you every week even if i don’t always comment and one day when your big and famous i hope you will never forget little old me who is touched by your writing in a huge way.
Bar codes across our face?? You are a legend! I bet thats the ways its going to be in the future, everyone will just be a numbered bag of flesh that means nothing to anyone. Love the messages you put into your writing. They make me think without being patronising and in todays world that is something worth commending.
Lol. This is first class! One of my friends had their bank details stolen and their account emptied and they never use their card they only ever use cash and they never use internet! They caught the ones who did it down in Plymouth and they had got their details by working in a branch of her bank! Brilliant article, keep them all coming, changing this bitter world one step at a time!
Take a bow! That was like music to my ears. Too funny for me to put into words. Like the fact you do not dwell on the negative and sensationalising, you write it in such a way that it is just ...nice, clean and crisp and comical in so many way. Thanks. “He has a beard and everything” ... lol ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ... so true!
Hope you saw my comment last week! Another brilliant article, i cant say any more! If i can get to sleep after laughing so much ill have another couple of reads tomorrow! Like nothing else.
From tears to laughter. Perfect. You've hit the nail on the head again and i like how you managed to get the message across with the superb humour. I think its funny how most of us dont comment on the subject we always comment on the way it is written! lol
Nathan Jolly! great writing ive been reading all of the archived posts too and every one written perfectly =] Im very glad you are doing this, never would have imagined it though lol you kept this talent quiet at school =]
My parents are always miserable so and so's and they always moan about everything and anything so i have directed them in your direction and they think that these are hilarious! Let's hope there's hope for them yet!
:-) Lol. Another great article! I do enjoy my weekly chuckle! This was hilarious with some nice topics underneath!
Loving it! Loving it! I love your style, it's just so easy to read and full of comedy and seriousness perfectly combined!
Hello again from The Switzerland 9. Excellent column once again, it is just so funny we don't know what else there is to say. We like how you get the message accross without moaning or being over bearing! Brilliant and keep them coming!
Absolutly brilliant! Always spot on!!!You truly are a master of social and political comedy and you never fail to make me laugh (or cry) ha ha! "or worse - order books by Katie Price in their name."...how do you manage it?