EnvironMENTAL Issues and The Height of Summer

'This means having to stop off several times on the journey to rob a bank'

It's coming up to the height of the summer and over the last few years three things have been certain to take place around this time.

Firstly, the Met Office will apologise for promising a hot summer. The amount of rain that has fallen so far will mean that the name 'barbeque summer' will consist of redundant barbeques collecting rainwater in the garden - unless people turn them upside down, climb aboard, and use them to float down towards Cornwall on a flooded M5.

Secondly, MPs have embarked on their mid-year, 82-day break - meaning that the state of the country should improve slightly between now and September. They'd better be sure to spend their holiday on British beaches, showing their support for the environment and making sure the press photograph them with as many pensioners, children, and culturally diverse people as possible while they stand in the freezing sea with their trouser-legs pulled up.

And thirdly, Prince Charles, the Archbishop of Narnia or [insert hypocritical figurehead here] will tell everyone that we are destroying the planet with our greed, gluttony or trips to Florida in a Land Rover. Before deciding where to invest their next £billion.

The environmental debate usually reaches its peak in the summer where MPs make the headlines once again as they jet set across the world and get criticised if they venture out of the UK for their summer holiday.

Every summer, people come on the television and say that to save the planet we must not get aboard a plane and they'll try and make you feel guilty if you do.

But it's also said that the planet has been through worse events than the proliferation of the human being. They say that the earth has undergone earthquakes, volcanoes, extinction, magnetic storms, hundreds of thousands of years of being bombarded with asteroids, continental drifts, solar flares, cosmic rays, flooding and recurring ice ages. But if you buy an energy-saving light bulb, put your left leg in, your left leg out, in out, in out, and you shake it all about we'll save the planet and make the world safe so that people of the future can happily drive around in their Volvos.

The debate as to whether Heathrow should have a third runway looks like one that is set to last and will continue to divide the Labour and Conservative parties throughout the rest of the year and beyond.

The Conservatives oppose the decision to build a third runway because of the damage to the environment. Some have even suggested that the site could be used to create a wind farm where environmentalists can go and spend some time hugging wind. But the Labour Party are standing in favour of the new runway because of the benefit to the economy that it will bring or because a new wind farm will mess up Gordon Brown's hair.

So, as it's summer and everyone is ready to go on their holidays, those who don't want to face the ecomentalists that will scowl at you as you board a plane will be heading off for a holiday in the UK.

But Britain isn't known for its seaside hotels and they are frequently said to be among some of the worst in Europe. We may have one or two decent beaches, respectable scenery, and excellent cream teas but the latest report from mystery shoppers has suggested that British hotels are particularly bad.

A 4-star hotel would probably be the equivalent of Fawlty Towers. And a 3-star hotel would probably be less comfortable than a South American jail.

The toilet paper may be folded into a little V, the breakfast may be something people would describe as 'hearty', and you may have a quaint little view of the ocean. But the maids have a habit of vacuuming at 3am (scoring extra points if they hit the skirting board), there's bacteria in the bathroom that's so big it's sitting and reading a newspaper, and in terrible British fashion you find that the previous occupant has actually pooed in the kettle.

Yet, to go on holiday in Britain it is likely that you would travel by car. And this means having to stop off several times on the journey to rob a bank so you can afford the petrol.

If, on the other hand, you want a hotel with revolving doors, lots of plants, and a chirpy wake-up call, you'll probably have to step on a plane.

But this is a nightmare in itself.

Taking a plane usually involves arriving at the airport early so you can be stripped naked in front of hundreds of people and poked and prodded to ensure you haven't got anything sharper than a tissue.

But at least going on a plane is more interesting than travelling by car. Children can spend time looking out of the window at the clouds as oppose to listening to their parents making an announcement every time they see a sheep or having to hold their noses. Because it's a well-known fact that the countryside stinks.

It's also a well known fact that, when looking through an aeroplane window, only posh houses can be seen. Usually surrounded by hedgerows that look like Jilly Cooper.

A downside to travelling on a plane is having to listen to the safety announcements telling you how to put on your seatbelt and the dubious phrases that they use.

In the 'unlikely event' (= an interesting expression coming from a company who lie about departure times) of a sudden change in cabin pressure (= fuselage splits in two), oxygen masks will fall down. Place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe 'normally'. (= 'Normally' as in the way that a person breathes when they are in vertical freefall at 1,000 miles per second inside a large aluminium can that is heading for a cornfield.) During a 'water landing' (= the plane plunges into the ocean), life vests are available under your seat and the cushion on the seat itself can be used as a floatation device (= you will be stuck in the middle of the Pacific Ocean for several days holding on to a cushion that smells of farts).

Another downside to flying on a plane is the change in people's behaviour when they are several thousands of feet in the air. When a member of the cabin crew tell you to 'be aware of the nearest exit' you start to look around and make a plan in case the plane crashes into the sea.

You form a master plot in your mind that involves surveying the other passengers to see who you can push aside to get to safety if something does go wrong.

It's survival of the fittest.

As the plane splashes down, react fast. Avoid the nearest exit as there is a very large passenger in the way who looks like they may take too long to escape. Make a beeline for the second-nearest exit which involves stepping on the head of the widow with the big hair, knock over the man you've seen rubbing his bad ankle, and push aside the emotionally disturbed passengers before exiting the plane where you can help others. You're of no use to anyone if the large passenger's fallen on top of you during a badly-planned emergency strategy.

Another change in personality occurs when it's meal time. Despite having many meals during their lifetime, people have never been so excited to have a meal on a plane. Just seeing the meal trolley coming down the aisle can make someone so excited they may just experience total euphoria as they all sit up, pull their trays down and repeatedly tap nearby passengers on the leg to announce that the 'FOOD'S COMING!'

People know it will taste like an old sock and yet they get so excited when it arrives.

The meat in the meal, whatever meat it is, usually contains grill marks on either side as if they think people actually believe there's an open air grill on the flight deck. The food is also usually served with some kind dressing that is packaged in something from the space program and the sauce itself tastes like it has been made of rejects from Russia's nerve gas agency.

So, the environment/third runway situation is still debatable and the debate will continue until well after the summer recess.

And the idea of the most environmentally method of travel isn't going to go away anytime soon with large amounts of money set to be offered to scientists who can invent a method of vastly reducing damaging emissions from aircraft.

One of the other interesting reasons why local residents argued that the third runway would be a nuisance was not just because of the noise or the pollution; it was actually having bright airport lights outside their houses.

So, doing my bit, I have come up with an idea that I may even consider taking on Dragon's Den.

Being a wild thing, my idea is to try hanging pieces of material up over the window.

I think I'll call them 'curtains'.