Out Of This World: New Heights in Tourism

'The idea of space tourism has been on the agenda for many years'

It's called White Knight Two Eve and, within 2 years, it could be taking the first small group of passengers into space. The vessel is specially designed using carbon nanotubes (in layman's terms, that's nanotubes made from carbon). The high-altitude jet will take a spacecraft (SpaceShipTwo) containing two crew members and six passengers into orbit. More than 250 people have paid over £100,000 per ticket to be some of the first to experience space tourism, but they'll probably still charge you an extra £2.50 for the headphones so you can watch Apollo 13 as the in-flight movie.

It is, of course, Richard Branson who is behind the scheme and everyone who wishes to be a passenger must take a 3-day crash course in space travel - just so they know what to do in the event of an attack from Cybermen, and also to ensure that the force is with them.

White Knight Two Eve will act as the mothership, designed to cradle SpaceShipTwo under its wing and then release it at 15,240m in the air. The vessel itself has received some complaints from not having toilet facilities on board but reaching 2000mph in 25 seconds should ensure that any passengers have parted with the contents of their bowels before leaving the stratosphere, allowing last night's vindaloo to become a separate entity within 0.7 seconds of the launch.

The idea of space tourism has been on the agenda for many years and, only now, does it look as if it's actually going to happen. Over 30 years ago, the Voyager spacecraft were launched into space so they could transmit whale song, and messages from Jimmy Carter, as if any little green beings on other planets are going to understand the English language - especially that of an American president. The plan was, in essence, that some extraterrestrial beings would pick up the messages and pop down to Earth on a package holiday for a cup of tea and a custard cream.

If any aliens were to visit Earth they would more than likely see the recession, overpaid executives, knife crime, terrorism, falling education standards, job cuts, global warming, diminishing fossil fuels, illegal drugs, violent crime, poverty, and Amy Winehouse and head back to the galaxy far far away.

That is unless their planet is an exact replica of ours. With the only difference being that on their planet Alistair Darling has purple hair.

So the new space tourism venture is set to install some excitement back into the world outside our small planet. Since the Great Space Race between Russia and America, the most people have to get excited about is a new tea towel or the latest ringtone for their phone.

So White Knight Two Eve should begin to awaken some of the enthusiasm. The only problem is that nothing is going to be as big as the moon landings - they happened in a time when space was more exciting; it was new and strange and evocative and had only been explored in television and film up until this point. The moon landings had all the great catchphrases: "The eagle has landed", "One small step for man...". Back then, even the astronaut's names were better - they sounded like superheroes (Buzz Aldrin) or they had incredibly strong arms (Neil Armstrong).

Bringing the ventures into space is a bit like trying to remake The Godfather in that it can only be a disappointment or, at least, would lack the excitement and calibre of the original event.

But Dr. Richmond Vrmgh, a physicist who, after undergoing a complicated and tragic operation in which he had important vowels removed from his surname, said that "White Knight Two will be the gateway into space tourism and it is great news that a British man has beaten the rest of the world to commence the space tourism industry. This will be a big moment in history."

And while we are all looking to space for the future migration of the human race, recent reports have said that actually living in space and undergoing frequent space travel will leave you short and fat. Before this concept, people were looking forward to space travel even when they knew the vessel may explode on launch, they may get lost in space or have to have a lightsaber duel with Darth Vader. But the thought of arriving back into the Earth's atmosphere looking like John Prescott was so terrifying it put people off space travel and they're all at home clinging to the ground.

So in the coming years when Virgin begin offering their trips into space aboard White Knight Two Eve, it will only be a short amount of time until there will be package deals to the moon. The moon looks intriguing from Earth, when you're looking up at night-time, but when you're actually on the moon it's baron, bleak, and is fatal without protective clothing - a bit like Nottingham circa 1985.

Some argue that human beings should not go into space, it's just too dangerous. And some say that the Earth is too precious a basket in which to keep all of our eggs. But there's so much that has been left unexplored on our planet - the deepest depths of the oceans, the labyrinth of ancient ruins, and Castle Bromwich. Perhaps it's better the devil you know and to sort out the problems on this planet before we create new ones on others. Before we take out the Martians it's probably better to first sort out the corruption at home and, in doing so, boldly go where no man has ever gone before.