Insane Weather Warnings and the Year of the Barbeque Summer
'Weather of mass destruction'
The bookies are taking bets as to whether this year will be a "barbeque summer" for Britain.
The phrase "barbeque summer" has been heard for the first time this year and it seems to have appeared out of nowhere - being splashed all over the news like a swarm of locusts on World Locust Day.
Where the phrase has come from, no one knows.
No one spent their childhood listening to adults talking about barbeque summers.
No one stood at the bus stop saying "I don't remember where I was when the Berlin Wall came down, when the Falklands War started, or who shot JR - but I'll never forget that cracking barbecue summer back in '76."
To many people, the phrase "barbeque summer" will signal the idea of quickly trying to grill sausages to the backdrop of an impending storm cloud.
In traditional British fashion, where everything has to relate to the weather, many news headlines have made some sort of a link between current events and the supposed barbeque summer.
Stories about sausage companies expecting to make record profits, of British package holidays to seaside resorts on the increase, and even reports that the good weather is somehow going to reduce the amount of violent crime.
So the barbeques come out and the excitement of eating outside outlines a summer of sun, paddling pools, and The Beach Boys' Greatest Hits.
But, as always it's difficult to pay any attention to weather forecasts. Especially when every weather reports involves the Met Office announcing another severe weather warning - that your skin will drop off in the intense heat, a massive flood will wash everyone into the Atlantic Ocean, or there will be such a dense fog that we'll all be attacked by werewolves and vampires that we couldn't see coming.
Having following the serious reports like murder and war in the news, the weather bulletins that follows doesn't want to have to just talk about drizzle and light winds. To create effect, they need to talk about how every day is the hottest/coldest/wettest day since the dawn of time and a "severe" wind and a flood is coming to wipe us all out - weather of mass destruction.
A severe wind and a flood in Cuba means the whole town has been blown into the middle of next Tuesday and people awaken in the morning to find themselves halfway up a tree in the Amazon.
Whereas a severe wind and a flood in Selly Oak means at least 4 leaves have fallen off a tree and the Ikea sofa has got a little damp patch.
So while we all know that the weather predictions of late seem very dramatic, everyone is still hoping that the prediction for a barbeque summer is one that is going to become a reality.
Event organisers are hoping to be raking in the cash with theme parks expected to take in over £4 million for this summer, even though plans to create another theme park have been rejected. Quite unlike the new sex-themed park that was supposed to be opening in China this October. The park features sex-themed rides including a 20ft statue of a female body from the waist down. If the plans go ahead, a male counterpart will also feature in the park - but it hasn't been erected yet.
So if the predictions are correct, with the leaves on the trees, the barbeques sizzling away, and the sun on our backs, the nation can kick off its shoes this summer and forget all the miserable news we've had lately and head to a theme park or spend those warm evenings in the summer.
But it's not just theme parks that are supposed to be popular with the barbeque summer fun.
Holidays in Britain are set to soar due to the expected good weather and the effects of the economy.
And also, it's been said that there should be fewer delays at airports due to the good weather as it's supposed to be the bad weather that is the number one cause of delays at airports.
But we'll believe that when we see it. When they say a delay is "due to inclement weather", it more likely means that the pilot has just been found in the cockpit holding a piña colada and wearing nothing but a leather thong.
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Nathan Jolly - an 19-year-old hospital radio presenter from Birmingham.
It's great to have a couple of light hearted articles after the heavy political situation weve found outselves in lately! This is the best one yet! As always there are too many funny parts for me to comment on them all but there is one or two subliminal ones that are very risque! Classic!
Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!! TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY wicked man!!! In these horid times we live in i cant thank you enough for putting a smile on my face! As for the barbeque summer i dont even like barbeques anyway, i dont really see the point. Its great if your in australia and have a nice garden but a barbeque in my garden looks awful! thanks once again and I think i may have got my comment on first this time!
I know what you mean about a barbeque being trying to grill sausages when a storm cloud is coming. that's so true! great article! Very funny and i loved every bit of it! It must take you ages to come up with all of these!! Ill always be a fan!
I could have sworn I was the first commentor!!! PS> "like a swarm of locusts on World Locust Day" is up there with "faster than something really fast" !!!! Totally wicked man!!
I have to agree with Mr Razmataz. This is porbably my favourte so far because it has a lot more hidden under the surface thean you may not pick up on first time around. "Like a swarm of locusts on World Locust Day" is fantastic!! It's so tongue in cheek its uncanny! Keep them coming! I wont go on and on like i usually do but you must realise what Razmataz says when he says you put a smile on his face! I know the feeling and its invaluable to my week! thanks once again for this very funny article! They're out of this world!
There's nothing else i read with so much anitcipation! I always read this knowing its going to be somehting of such a high quality that nothing compates to! I really like these types that are quite tongue in cheek mixed in amongst the more serious stuff. You do it perfectly! The whole thing had me in stitches but the last line thew me off my chair!
"like a swarm of locusts on World Locust Day" ha ha! It's the simple stuff that really gets to me! Is there ever a more perfect line written in the English language!?? Apart from faster than something really fast!! Where else can you get something so silly and yet so wonderful?!! You've hit the proverbian nail on the head once more! What can i say?
Bring on the summer! I don't really like barbeques but the summer is the best part of the year. I don't know what to say about the column, this has to be my favourite, it's second to none as always and they're so good, words cant express how they make me feel after reading them. As people often say, youve got to read them a few times to really get the gist of just how high class they really are!
When i was younger we always used to have barbeques but now im older we never bother. I have never seen the point of eating burnt food just for the sun of eating outside! I think we all want to get back to our caveman roots really and escape from all that technology that you mentioned last week! Loved the part about the fog and the vampires and werewolves because it was just such a strange thing to say and yet after reading it it feels like it is jenius!
This has to be my favourite! I think ill have to join the late night club on here! I had ashes to ashes paused on sky so i have only just finished watcing it and just had my rss come through on my phone so i decided to have a quick look at your latest marvel thats taking birmingham by storm. I usually read it the day later when it gets sent around our offices having everyone laughing their heads of! And i mean some relaly miserable people actually laugh at it because i think everyone can relate to the comedy! Its a sight to behold to see a whole office black laughing periodically throughout the morning because of a column! Keep them coming!
i really loved the last line, it was just a shock to read and i think the best part about the way you write is that you pack so much imagery and visual comedy into it that it helps to make it hilarious. I can see people being attacked by warewolves and vampires coming out of the fog because no one could see where theyre going!!! How random!! and yet so perfect!! And i can just imagine a drunk pilot wearing a thong in the cockpit and smiling at the air hostesses who have to go and make an anouncement that the plane is delayed because of "the weather"!! Its like someting you would see in a comedy film and yet you make it so accessible in every article :-) Also, everone in my office reads them as well and i have to agree it is weird how something unites everyboday and makes them laugh when they are usually arguing with eachother! :-)
"but it hasn’t been erected yet"...I missed this one the first time round! Too clever and too funny! It would take me weeks to come up with something so funny and write it in a way that is to sharp and catchy! I usually find that most of the comments on here are about the quality of the writing as opposed to the actual subject content! We just love the way you write them! Its the way you tell em!! Ha ha! You could write about anything and i'd love it!
Im on such a high at the end of reading this,its untrue! How could someone read this and not laugh?? It's nice to have a relaxed topic such as the weather and summer to break away from all the depressing news, i think we focus on the depressing news so much we forget how to throw our arms up and have a good laugh...thanks for reminding me.
I am supposed to be going on a caravanning holiday this weekend, i say supposed to because im not really excited about it. I wanted to go abroad but my wife insisted on a caravan which is just as expensive, i always feel so silly in those caravans with all the chavs! Sorry i just needed to vent a little steam! I'll be going to have to read this article and the others over and over to put me in a good mood! :-) Cant wait for the weather to start getting a little bit better. Its better to be stuck in a caravan with a little bit of nice weather i suppose! Bring on global warming i say! Classic column!
Would you believe it! The servers are going mad on here tonight! So much so that i have been pushed to the back once again!!! :-) It's great to see everyone back on here tonight to read the master at work!! ha ha! This is mental! To see the amount of comments on here so quickly is like something ive never seen before in all the time ive been doing this! Talk about hot off the press!
I don't sleep very well lately and come on the birmingham mail wesite to catch up on all the news. My favourite part though is coming here so i was compelled to make a comment today. If there's anything not to do when you can't sleep is read this, it has you laughing so much there's no chance you'll get back to sleep anyway! Absoloubtly fantastic article! I love them!
I hope we get a nice summer but i wish all the weather forecasts would just give up because it costs millions of pounds ever year and it the forecasts are hardly ever correct...i dont know why they bother. I really liked this article, i like all the subliminal comedy that you manager to cram in! Top stuff!
I would love another summer liket the one back in 1976. That would have been a good argument for global warming! The summers were much hotter back then and now were lucky if we get any hot weather..global warming is a load of rubbish! I went and bought loads of sun cream last week when it was hot and now all it has done is rain and i cant go and relax in the sun! Typical! This is a fabulous article and i will definately be back for more...i like the style!
lol! I've never read anything like it!! Ii haven't laughed this much in ages!!!!!! Bring on the summer and bring on more of these articles!!
Hello from Switzerland!! I am part of agroup of expats from Birmingham who now live over here in Switzerland and we always check in on these articles because we all love them so much! Your sense of humour is perfect and we always enjoy reading what you write every week! There are 9 of us over here who always read! Thanks for keeping us entertained and this is another great article!