May 2009 Archives

'There's something very different about local MPs'

Elections to the European Parliament and English county councils are coming up on 4 June. Ironically, it's about the worst time to be an MP at the moment, with their profession having probably fallen behind that of traffic wardens and serial killers in the list of the least respected people in society.

In a time when there's economic gloom and high crime rates, people are afraid to leave their houses in fear of being faced with a masked gunman, an axe-wielding maniac or a Member of Parliament.

On the one hand, people are voting for a representative of the local area and, on the other, people are voting for a representative in Europe - the place that really pulls all the strings.

Every day, 650 members of parliament in Westminster decide what new laws they are going to impose on the nation.

But it's not just them.

We have parish councils and borough councils and county councils and the House of Lords and the European Parliament - amassing to thousands of people who decide what you eat, what you say, where you go, how much you're paid, and how often you go to the toilet.

And every now and then people get outraged by them and, after an election, they're replaced with thousands more who do the same.

It's said that the European parliament passes around 24,000 new directives per year. It's for this reason that people seem to be against them.

By the time you've read this, there have probably been another couple of new laws.
You are no longer allowed to decorate your bedroom without planning permission and it's illegal to sneeze on a Thursday.

Generally, we like, and want to preserve, locally-run businesses much more than we like globalisation and multinational superstores.

People frequently reject the European Union in favour of good ol' Westminster, and sometimes like the idea of local councils even though people believe they're run by snoring lunatics.

We like our police to be like The Sweeney or Dixon of Dock Green as oppose to the FBI.

We fight to prevent supermarkets from opening even though they sell convenient, cheap food - and we strive to save local shops even though they're expensive and the vegetables look like Andrew Lloyd Webber covered in shrivelled weeds and mud.

So it's not surprising that people are said to be against voting for a European representative and the turnout is said to be low.

People don't like the idea of large groups deciding what's best for them as the effort is too generalised.

So, with that, you'd expect people to get a little more enthusiastic with local council elections.

But recent suggestions say that many people don't even know who their local MP is; the only thing they notice with regards to changes in the local area is the occasional bus lane popping up or a sign telling you that you will be fined if you don't pick up your dog's bowel movements from the pavement.

The leaflets full of MPs smiling, for what appears to be the first time in their life, have appeared on the doorsteps all around the country - taking their place beside the adverts for pizza takeaways and full instructions about how to wash your hands.

There's something very different about local MPs.

They operate on a much smaller budget and so they can only respond to complaints of litter in the street, stand outside Post Offices in high-visibility jackets, and smile while having photographs taken with children, owners of local businesses, and broken incubators at the local hospital.

And of course, the highlight in the life of a local MP is when there has been a flood.
It's universally acknowledged that that any MP should, after a spell of local flooding, put on a suit and some wellington boots and talk to the victims of the flood as their wardrobe floats out of the upstairs window.

They must also congratulate the emergency services for doing what they're paid to do and to not selling their stories of corruption to the Daily Telegraph.

Apart from the occasional appearance in the local newspaper or on TV at election time, it's rare that you'll ever hear from your MP - that's saying you even know who they are.

It has been said, that for many people, the little leaflet that comes through the door at election time with photographs of the local MP at the neighbourhood community centre is the first time they've ever seen their face.

Many MPs do occasionally offer a local surgery where people can go and voice their opinions and ask questions over tea and custard creams - questions of which MPs are probably trained to either not answer at all or to answer in a way that doesn't actually give any information or promise anything.

Having attempted to interview an MP on the radio, it soon becomes apparent that you're not actually getting anywhere and they just keep changing the subject - they like a little less conversation and more photographs with Post Offices and potholes in the road. It seems all of this aggravation ain't satisfactioning them.

Voting for an MP seems to be like voting for which candidate you like the least.

While people are disillusioned with the whole idea of elections and voting -- when it seems that one vote will make no difference, that same vote can do no more harm.

Democracy: the power being with the majority of the people and being able, through voting, to change the current state of play. We should try it some time.

At the moment it feels like democracy is the freedom to elect our dictators - on a local or international scale, and it feels like a vote is a choice between shooting yourself in the left or right leg.

'It's understandable that people are angry'

The news today hit the streets of Britain where citizens took time out of window-shopping outside Marks and Spencer's to express outrages at the latest scandal of MPs expenses.

Not surprisingly many said that they were thinking of moving abroad.

They said that they had lost all faith in the government and, if they had the money, they would be off to make a new life in the Bahamas.

It has recently been reported that last year, nearly 50,000 Britons moved abroad, and it is said that nearly a third of people have the intention to do the same.

The amount of people wanting to become expats and swap Costa del Birmingham for somewhere more colourful is on the increase.

And there's little wonder why.

In a land where tea bags are the essential ingredient for any crisis, tutting at someone is how you express that you are absolutely livid, looking at your feet or reading a newspaper gives you the right to ignore whatever is happening in front of you, and queue-jumping is on par with treason; there are still people who can't help being a partisan and would rather stay in Britain and face the music.

Even if the music is the tinkling of your smashed car window, the screams of people running for their lives in the streets, or the sound of an MP running off with your last two pennies.

But no one actually starts the day by thinking "I'm completely happy, I have the perfect job and a huge salary. I'm moving to New Zealand."

You're more likely to say "I'm extremely unhappy. I hate my job. I have no money and there's nothing good on the telly. I'm moving to New Zealand."

Everyone's going to New Zealand. The other popular choices are Greece where they like to stand on the side of the pool and jump on your head while you're swimming, or throw a ball in your face - or to Florida where they don't swim; they shout and play volleyball.

While many Britons, especially pensioners, prepare to pick up sticks and look for warmer climates, a report from hotel-owners all over the world have said that when British people go abroad they're badly dressed - if at all, loud, untidy and binge drinkers.

Apparently, hotel managers don't appreciate it when the Brits get drunk, do the Macarena in the hotel reception at 2am, and then run off to spread chlamydia.

So that's the pensioners' retirement plans ruined.

But it's hardly surprising people are getting the urge, now more than ever, to move abroad. They're tired of crime, the weather, and the government.

There are two rules in life. Rule number 1: Never undertake Morris dancing. Rule number 2: Always show resentment towards the government.

While it's sometimes dismal to hear constant criticism of the government and of life, it's understandable that people are angry.

The government may have been glad that the swine flu issue dominated the headlines since they knew their revelation about their expenses were coming up - to take the limelight away from their spending habits and their new refurbishments.

There was a time when unjust theft would have got you a prison sentence. Today if you're an MP it gets you double glazing and a knighthood.

People have spent their lives working and saving only to be left with no savings and no pension.

Having once dreamed of world cruises with sunlight dancing over their rum punch when they retire, they'll now have to settle on Complan: shaken not stirred, and a self-catering trip to Butlins.

And the money they pay the government in taxes has gone to funding war, a new kitchen in their second homes, and a £7.4million advertising campaign showing you how to sneeze in a tissue.

So it's no surprise people want to move abroad; spend their days in the sun until their skin goes to leather. Because a nation will turn its back on a country and government, if their government has turned its back on them.