February 2009 Archives

'People who stand in the cold for hours on a Wednesday afternoon aren't partial to sarcasm'

Walking down New Street is a minefield. No matter how fast you try to walk - looking down and avoiding eye-contact as if there is something incredibly fascinating about the floor - you will always get stopped by someone selling something like inflatable dartboards or trying to get you to sign your life away.

Last week, I managed to get stopped by Scientologists, someone going on about saving polar bears, and another about something to do with organ donation. It didn't really matter who it was because, as humans, since the dawn of time itself, we have the innate ability to suddenly shut down as soon as any stranger starts talking to you. It's fact.

As soon as they open their mouth, I shut down.

I found myself staring at this woman's face not having any idea what she was saying. I could tell you that she had one blue eye and one brown eye, that she had an eyelash on the side of her face, and that she smelt very faintly of broccoli. But I had no idea what she was saying to me.

All I could see was her mouth opening and closing.

This is the same when asking for directions (which should usually be avoided in most circumstances). It's only acceptable in places that look like the local council has let the local children's nursery design the transport system.

If you ask someone for directions and they start their sentence with "Er...", just walk away.

You'll either end up in the wrong place or still be standing there in an hour's time.

But then, even if they turn their head to the side, look off into the horizon and start making hand gestures like an air traffic control warden who's about to break into the YMCA, you won't be listening.

Because you'll have shut down.

And you'll be wondering why, out of all the people on the street, you managed to ask the one who you can't understand.

I'm sure it's the case that every time you ask someone for directions, whoever it is will miraculously morph into the same man with grey hair and a cap who sounds like he's trying to talk with a mouth full of pennies.

Anyway, the woman with the multi-coloured eyes had now stopped talking and was looking at me as though she was expecting me to answer.

In these situations, I usually find it best to either say "No" or say a random number like "234". In this instance, I decided to say "No".

She frowned and then said, "Recent research has concluded that seatbelts can save lives". And she just looked at me.

I then made the mistake of saying, "Wow! You could have warned me I might have wanted to sit down before you give me news like that! You're blowing my mind away with your insight!"

It seems people who stand in the cold for hours on a Wednesday afternoon aren't partial to sarcasm.

In any quantity.

I'm guessing this wasn't what she was expecting me to say, because as soon as I said it she had a look of genuine disappointment on her face.

The kind of look you have when you hear the otter on Animal Park died during an operation, when you've just accidentally let £20 blow away in the wind, or you've just been told you're having fish for dinner.

She then said that she needed to go to the toilet and she was sorry to bother me. I still don't know whether she genuinely needed the toilet or whether it was just the sound of my voice that has an uncontrollable effect on people's bladders.

But she did manage to give me a leaflet before she went. It turns out the questionnaire she wanted me to fill in was funded by some strange company in Russia.

So just in case I'm found slumped in a cold alleyway with a radioactive polonium dart sticking out my back, just forward this story to the investigating officer.

'The latest figures suggest that flights abroad are becoming less popular'

Supposedly, this is the week, (half-term week) when many people are going to be booking their summer holidays. That's if they're not already on holiday - having put their last two, credit-crunched pennies towards the extortionate half-term prices.

It may only be a third of the price next week, but the fine from the school for parents taking their children away from detention and learning about John Milton's infused new significance into the concept of history in poetry, will make up for that.

Despite having no money, no job, and no Woolworths, people are still going on holiday.
They may not be going for a fortnight stay in the Maldives, relaxing in a 5-star hotel, or even waking up to the sound of tropical birds in a far-away land, but they're still going on holiday.

There is set to be an increase in people taking the cheaper options this year with the number of holidaymakers deciding to go camping or caravanning set to increase even more than last year.

Some camping parks, this year, are already fully booked and some people are having to join waiting lists for a camping reservation.

When you have to wait a year to go out of your warm house for the opportunity to sleep on the floor next to a tree, you know something is wrong.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the hotel industry.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds, over mountains, and high pressures, for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

For your whole life, you've made numerous successful attempts to open zips on coats, bags and trousers - but, you can bet that when you're soaking wet; trying to open a tent with frostbitten, icy-blue fingers that have been rendered useless, the zip to the tent will never open.

Camping is a holiday where you have to do your business in a hole (or even in a public washroom), go and eat in a restaurant that serves food that tastes and smells like donkey feet - where people look like extras from Dawn of the Dead from lack of sleep - before returning to your tent so you can lie on the floor in the freezing cold, and count how many fingers you have left.

But there have also been an increase in adventurous holiday packages over the last year. There's even a chance for people to learn to fly their own plane to their holiday destinations.

But then these are for people who have enough time and money on their hands that they are willing to learn to fly a plane. And it's not very convenient to have to learn to fly a plane just to have a weekend in Italy.

Learning to fly is not like a driving test when you just show the man in beige trousers you can reverse around a corner.

The latest figures suggest that flights abroad are becoming less popular. Although it does seem that there have been a few too many plane crashes lately.

Earlier this month there were complaints from passengers onboard an Aeroflot flight about to depart from Moscow to New York. They were waiting to take off - the excitement of getting an in-flight meal keeping them on the edge of their seats - when they started to question the mental state of their pilot - who turned out to be drunk.

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this ishhh your captain slurrrrrring. I reeeeally love you. No, I'm not just saying that. I reeeeally, reeeeally love all my passengers - because you're reeeeally, reeeeally lovely.'

It makes you wonder about the priorities of the airlines.

You're not allowed on the plane unless you've arrived 7 days in advance, the staff have ruined your laptop, revealed your underwear to all the other passengers while rummaging through your luggage, had a dozen spaniels sniffing around your shoes, and been shot at for trying to carry a bottle of water on the plane.

And the pilot just walks straight by like John Travolta at the start of Saturday Night Fever with a bottle of tequila in his hand, while you're queuing to be x-rayed in case you've got nail clippers in your pocket that you may use to hijack the plain by clipping everyone to death.

'It's somewhat lucky that the latest crime report was released without much mention from the press'

It's been a relatively good time for the government this week. They've managed to quietly announce the fact that reports of car crime and violent crime are on the increase compared to this time last year.

They managed to slip it out so quietly, so that even the Daily Mail didn't notice; while Britain was battling, hands on hips, with an ice age, and Carol Thatcher was being swallowed up by the fires of hell.

The usual freedom-of-speech argument crops up even more frequently now, thanks to the Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand scenario that nearly caused World War III.

It seems these days you can't talk about cement or a loaf of bread without getting the BCM (British Collective of Moaners) or the WIFA (Weeds Instead of Food Association) on your back.

Even Jeremy Clarkson had a slap on the wrist, again, for calling Gordon Brown a 'one-eyed Scottish idiot'.

Scottish? That's a little harsh.

Taking the fact that everyone was making snowmen and debating which words are socially acceptable (the f-word only after 9pm, the c-word: never, and the n-word: also never - unless you're Quentin Tarantino) the Government had managed to mention the latest crime figures in a tiny report that no one would notice.

A report of crime figures are always depressing and hearing MPs talking about them is even worse.

When talking about action against car crime, use of the word 'tough' has increased 59%. When referring to violent crime, the incidence of MPs saying "tough" has gone up by a massive 81%.

We are now 76% more likely to be assaulted by the phrase "more bobbies on the beat" than at any time in the last 50 years and millions of us now live in fear of the trauma of waking up to discover that Jacqui Smith is going to be calling a press conference.

Jacqui Smith will also be disappointed that the crime figures have risen, despite all her best efforts to only get all Conservatives arrested on a regular basis.

The main area, it seems, where incidences of crime had fallen are with burglaries. The only increase being with those people who left their houses to attend their weekly Neighbourhood Watch meeting.

The latest report states that young males are still the largest law-breakers. But this is easy to sort out. All that needs to be done is to introduce new laws to balance it out a little across the whole of society.

Laws like: arresting people who believe that pressing the button to call the lift several times is going to make it arrive any faster, handcuffing people who walk away from a jammed printer - knowing full well they were the ones to jam it, and charging people who think that slightly lowering your head into your shoulders when it's raining is going to stop you from getting any less wet.

It's somewhat lucky that the latest crime report was released without much mention from the press.

While listening to the usual tough-on-crime-tough-on-the-causes-of-crime speeches; if you can hear them over the members of the crowd shouting 'bugger off!', there's a certain amount of disillusionment that no matter how many catchphrases are used it won't make a difference.

With murders, knife attacks, car-theft, and mugging threatening people every day, the government are set to be 'tough' on crime and anyone who disagrees with this will get a dead leg from good ol' Jacqui Smith.

'If it's warm, we're too hot. If it's cool, we're too cold'

You could tell the British public that on Saturday, the polar icecaps will melt - causing tsunamis, hurricanes and tycoons that will accompany the fact that Great Yarmouth to Holyhead will be covered by 30 feet of water, and they'll probably shrug their shoulders and think it's a shame they won't be able to pot their geraniums this weekend. But give them a magic sprinkling of snow and the country suddenly grinds to a frosty halt.

So much for global warming.

"And now for the weather...it's snowing. The Met Office has issued a statement that everyone should stay at home and talk about the weather. All transport should come to a halt (more so than usual). The country should enter a state of national emergency. Television companies should ensure that 98% of national news is taken up by photographs of people's snow-covered driveways and pets. And phrases such as "Brrurrr" must be used at least once every hour - accompanied by a slight, pretend shiver while looking out of the nearest window or coming into contact with the unidentified, white, fluffy stuff on the ground."

Britain is closed. Snow is upon us and, it would seem, that it's actually the worst thing since the frequent power cuts in the 70s, the 1987 hurricane, and Mufasa falling off Pride Rock in The Lion King.

Britain is already starting to rebrand itself as the arctic capital of the world.

There's something always strange about British weather. In other countries they use the term 'climate' more frequently but Britain doesn't have a 'climate', it has 'weather'.

And, over the weekend, wherever you went, you will probably have heard someone say "Oohh, there's going to be snow next week!"

And whoever says this always seems surprised. The chances are that it's going to be sunny, rainy, cold, or mild - there can't be any other option, and yet, whatever the weather, this always comes as a surprise to everyone and manages to make front page headlines.

If it's warm, we're too hot. If it's cool, we're too cold.

And, once again, up and down the country, people are shaking their heads, pouting their lips and tutting in shock that a "little bit of snow" has bought the country to a standstill; suggesting that Britain isn't as prepared for snow as places like Canada.

Perhaps in the same way it's not as prepared as Miami for hurricanes or not as prepared as North Africa for swarms of locusts.

But it's difficult to actually know what the weather is going to be like in advance.

Everyone wants to know that the snow will be there when they wake up in the morning so they can be snowed in. Not the other way around.

So you watch the weather bulletins avidly but still never actually manage to get some decent information.
Every time snow is forecast, it states that it's going to be the "worst snowfall for the last million years" and even the weather forecasts just show a presenter waving their hands around giving the vaguest directions since E.T pointed at the moon.

And the forecast doesn't seem to be directed at those having to go to work or on a trip.

By the end of the forecast, you'll have heard about the Gulf Stream, air pressure, and the direction of the wind, but you'll still have no idea if it's going to snow outside your front door.

Wind direction is all well and good if you're spontaneously planning on flying a kite the following morning or parasailing to work, but if you're going by car, bus, or train - it's not much use.

But you can almost guarantee that all transport services will be called off and announcements of "Due to the critical weather, we're sorry to announce that all services are cancelled" after it's been snowing for about 3.5 seconds.

We know that Britain overreacts a little. And we know that so much as a cloud, a leaf, or a fart could bring the nation to a standstill.

But if we're only going to get it once every million years we may as well make the most of it.

Of course, broken hips, missed flights, lost income aren't that funny but children have got it right: snow is still fun.

Yesterday, we saw a rarity in the news; a few smiling faces. It got people outside the house, gave people something in common to talk about and even snow made people converse with each other on their way to work.

Even if it was to swap insurance details.

Get outside and enjoy the snow.