Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Off To Work We Go. If You're Lucky.

'It seems the only ones who will be benefiting are ITV with increased viewing figures for Jeremy Kyle'

WE'VE HAD Christmas, New Year and the January sales. The time when people push each other over to buy things they don't need with money they haven't got is over, and, a few weeks into January, the year is officially in full swing.

And we're already hearing the 'crisis' stories. No money. Global warming. Recycling. Credit Crunch. Broken Britain. The end of the Earth.

David Cameron said, last month, that we should all think a little less about money and more about our standard of living.

Of course, this is nice for parents who have time to play scrabble with their children, stay at home trimming the hedge, and spend their time scattering grain for the chickens. And for their children who come out of school, across the village green, with rosy cheeks; throwing their grammar school hats in the air and heading off to catch newts in the local stream.

Unfortunately, many people can't do that. There's food to buy, mouths to feed, and Dancing On Ice voting to be done.

Hundreds of jobs are disappearing every week, and with the unemployment level estimated to be reaching 3million this year it seems the only ones who will be benefiting are ITV with increased viewing figures for Jeremy Kyle.

A story last week suggested that some long-distance commuters are giving up their jobs because the fuel prices and taxes meant the jobs aren't worth getting to. And the only reason the government doesn't ban driving altogether is because it needs the income from fuel and motoring taxes to bail out Jaguar, Land Rover and the last few cogs of the British motor trade.

Owned by India.

And the motor industry is failing because no one is buying cars - perhaps because they can't afford the extortionate taxes. A vicious cycle.

But don't worry. Mr Brooooon is going to be creating 100,000 more jobs this year. Only 2,900,000 left to create.

But it's not his fault there are no jobs; that's America's fault as well.

And as people can't sell their houses, Eastern European's will build you an extension. They charge good money, turn up on time, work hard, don't shout remarks and whistle at women, and don't urinate in your sink. You couldn't ask for any more.

And like a lot of telephone switchboard-manning jobs, many train operators have moved their telephone enquiries abroad.

Third World wages for Britain's Third World transport system.

By doing that, they're hoping to save up to £12 million - currently the going-rate for an open return ticket from Birmingham to London.

And, unlike in Britain, when you call the rail enquiries hotline abroad, you won't get an answer phone recording with the message: "We're sorry to inform you that all trains are currently buggered. We apologise for any inconvenience caused."

So, with jobs disappearing faster than something really fast, everyone will have to get retained in something politically correct and preferably offered by the council or HM Revenue and Customs.

Perhaps a job in which the government will be on your side, give you a six figure salary, and 300 days a year holiday. Many people will have to train as a global warming press officer, ladder-climbing trainer, or a bereavement counsellor for the One-Legged Lesbian Alliance