Have a Healthy and Safe Christmas

'Some workplaces are preventing Christmas decorations from being put up on Health and Safety grounds'

I wondered over to the woman with the bright red satchel and leaflets hoping she was, as any woman with a bright red satchel and leaflets in the Bullring usually are, carrying free samples. I tried to make it look like I didn't seem too desperate for freebies by moving fast enough as though I had somewhere I needed to be but slow enough for her to stop me, to say "Excuse me...", and shower me with free gifts.

I was just starting to think about how I was going to act surprised that she had stopped me at random to offer complimentary samples when she saw me and said, "Excuse me...Do you and your family want a safe Christmas?"

I stopped and thought. This all depended whether her opening line was her way of issuing a Mafia-like threat in an If-you-want-to-live-follow-my instructions kind of way or whether she was saying it in a would-you-be-interested-in-a-free-gift-that-will-
increase-your-personal-safety? kind of way.

Since she didn't appear to have a gun or a box of burglar alarms I decided she didn't mean either. But the fact she had an accent that suggested she was about to run me down with a combine harvester is always going to cause doubt in any urban setting.

I slowed down and pretended I may have been interested. Just on the off chance. She smiled and said, "Did you know that 80% of people wash their turkeys at Christmas, which significantly increases the risk of food poisoning?"

Oh crap.

"And...Did you know that over 1000 people are injured by Christmas trees each year?"

No Freebies.

"And," at this point she was looking pretty pleased with herself passing me a leaflet, "did you know that 55% of alcohol drinkers consume more than the maximum recommended units of alcohol?"

I would have struggled to answer one question let alone her asking me three at once. Was I supposed to answer her or would she think I was trying to be clever? Are you supposed to say you don't know and act interested to hear the answer?

I gave a simple "Yes," and carried on walking. She seemed taken aback and then scowled at me as though I was the one who shot Bambi's mother. How dare you not listen to my health and safety facts.

I must admit that I didn't know washing the Turkey is supposed increase the spread of bacteria, but then again, I never have cooked, and don't intend on cooking, a turkey anytime soon. Or any food for that matter.

It seems that "elf n' safety" is interfering with Christmas more and more every year.

Guides and Brownies, in one borough have prevented people from singing carols near a shopping centre on Christmas Eve this year. Probably in case the husbands who are running around, last minute, wondering if it's acceptable to buy their wives a broom as a Christmas present, decide to stop and listen to the singing which may cause other passersby to bump into or even trip over them while they stand and watch.

Church bell-ringers have been told to wear earmuffs and protective helmets. Just in case the 400kg (62 stone) bell falls on their head.

Even some workplaces are preventing Christmas decorations from being put up on Health and Safety grounds.

Some have even complained on a religious discrimination injunction that banning Christmas decorations is being prejudice against the Christian belief.

Although, perhaps baubles, tinsel, Christmas trees and all the other Yuletide paraphernalia that's been available in the shops since mid-July may not epitomise Christian values, anyway.

But then, we wouldn't want anyone to trip over a pine needle and make a claim to InjuryLawyers4U, would we?