The Trouble with Democracy

'Is the strongest argument against democracy, listening to what the average member of the public has to say?'

There has been lots of talk over the last few days about what effect President-elect Barack Obama will have on Britain. People seem to be jumping for joy under the impression that Obama will part the Atlantic, walk straight into Westminster and suddenly sort out the world's problems as well. The global economy will correct itself, the Earth won't boil its way to a bitter end, and there will be no dog crap all over the pavement.

As the world reflects on the image of true democracy; a governmental system where representatives are chosen to embody into commandment the views of the electorate, regardless of social background, gender and colour - many have been asking whether the system we have in Britain is even democratic at all.

Of course, democracy is great. Every 4 or 5 years we get to decide which faction of elitists are going to call us fat, stupid, violent, and poor. If that isn't the defining pinnacle of an autonomous nation, what is?

We get to choose between people who think the population are obese because chocolate bars are placed at the checkouts instead of celery. Or those who think eco-towns are a good idea - where people can live in straw huts and jog to work at the local recycling plant while listening to Michael Jackson's Earth Song on their carbon-neutral MP3 player and be escorted by robins and blue tits in a terribly cheerful fashion.

Although, what about if we scrapped representative democracy? The democracy that thought it was representing the people when they sent the country to war, ensured there was a 48% Duty on fuel, and attempted to either tax or ban everything they could see.

But would it be any better with total democracy, where every issue was voted on by the electorate?

Or is the strongest argument against democracy, listening to what the average member of the public has to say?

Put the running of the country in the hands of the people. The voting system would soon follow a Big Brother-X-Factor style so people wouldn't have to bother going to a polling station:

"Would you like a national network of free chocolate to be piped to every house in the country? Text YES to 000666 if you agree with this proposal or text NO to 0064596827827998376478374918274672897648 if you disagree with this proposal. Texts cost £9.99 each. Lines close in 12 hours. Any votes made after this time will not be counted but you may still be charged or shot."

If this was the case there would also, of course, be no soldiers dying overseas. Fuel would be reduced to about 1p per litre, all cinema tickets would be free, and every Monday would become a bank holiday.

But Carol Vorderman would become Chancellor of the Exchequer, 24's Jack Bauer would be the new Defence Secretary and the new Foreigner Secretary, A Place In the Sun's Amanda Lamb, would be forced to make sure no one puts their towels on sun loungers at 4am when we're on holiday. And all people in Europe must now except, and not scoff, at British culture whilst on holiday: that is getting drunk at 5pm and spending the rest of the evening on our backs in a pile of vomit.

A new conflict would soon arise in international relations. A new battle would be waged with Greenland cos she looked at us funny. Belgium better run cos she called our Queen a tramp, Italy can watch out cos she said our hips look big in these jeans or somfink, and France better watch their back cos he's been disrespectin' us. Innit?