Does my bum look big in this?
Just to show I don't moan all the time I am in the midst of getting ready for my younger son's wedding in Greece in the Autumn. Theo is younger by a whole three minutes than his twin Christian who is best man.
To me the event is still sometime in the future but I was told recently that apparently it was 100 days away. How do women know these things . . . and why?
Being a bloke my view on such matters was that you have the whole of the weekend before you fly out to find a suit/shirt/shoes and so on and, let us be honest, there is even a couple of days when you arrive before you are in danger of turning up in a pair of Bermudas, knock off shades and flip flops.
Being a married bloke though this view was strangled at birth which means I have less than 100 days to lose enough weight here and there to allow the new suit, nestled snugly in its carrier, to hang better. This, I think, is a wifely euphemism for losing enough excess me to allow the rest of me to sit down, bend and actually breathe without taking out the eyes of guests with flying buttons.
There are socks I am not allowed to wear and shoes wrapped in tissue paper and clutching a receipt which "will do if we can't find anything better". There is a shirt, the wearing of which before the event is a capital offence along with a tie that is yet to know the delight of a gravy stain - funny how most of my ties eventually end up with a similar pattern.
At the end of the day though there is something rather satisfying about it all when a son and his soon to be wife move on to their next chapter and give a happy ending to one of mine.
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Roger Clarke - Birmingham’s very own Grumpy Old Man on what gets right up his nose.
Unfortunately, Roger, you are on to a loser. 100 days just doesn’t allow enough time to get into the shape you desire. I see a sort of insecurity combined with a false sense of importance here. Nobody will even notice you at the wedding. The day belongs to the mother of the bride after all. You will be insignificant, but don’t dwell on it.
Sadly, and again don’t dwell on it, you are not someone who has the elegance of youth and the self confidence to go with it. A tilt of the head and a shake of long hair is much more palatable than the sight of a well-developed paunch and a bald head.
But it’s not all bad news. There is bound to be a handful of middle-aged women, those HRT disciples with short sleeved dresses and puffy arms, who will make you look good by comparison. Why do those big women insist on exposing their arms? I blame the Queen Mother for starting this trend. She still seems to be the fashion icon for the over 55s in this country. Their white bloated skin is a real turn-off, don’t you think? Puffy, blubber-like arms should not be exposed to anyone. It ought to be a crime. And, while you are in agreement with me, let me mention their hair.
Why do the big women, the HRT bloaters, always have short hair? Can't they understand that long hair softens their features, and let's face it, there are many crevices, wrinkles, blemishes and warts 'n all on view to be softened.
And have you noticed, they don’t wear scarves? Scraggy necks make me want to heave! Don't think I'm being unkind - that isn't the intention. HRT has been a godsend to some women. Most of them who take it soon start to suffer from some kind of aggressive personality defect, but if it makes them feel better then who am I to argue against it. And of course the beauty is that they can't see this aberration in themselves. Only their husbands are aware of it. And boy are they aware of it!
I have tried to be subjective about big women at the wedding in Greece and it's been a difficult subject to tackle, but I'm sure you'll think I've succeeded, to a great degree.
Don’t worry about looking good at the wedding, Roger. You will be as anonymous as nature intended. Have a great time in Greece.
Juicy Lucy seems to have some really deep-rooted issues (I avoided the temptation to write "big issues") with HRT and its disciples. I think that we should see a photo.