April 2008 Archives

Remember the ducks? They never did return to the pond to eat their sack of premium food but worryeth not, we now have a swimming pigeon. The first time it happened I was about to rush out - rush being a relative term - to rescue what appeared to be a pigeon floundering after falling into the pond but it flapped its way out in ungainly fashion and was just regarded as a somewhat clumsy individual.

A couple of days later though and it was back. He, or she - my pigeon sexing skills are limited - waddles around the pond to a shallow area (designed to allow hedgehogs or anything else to crawl out) and wades in then launches itself into the water spreading wings and flapping around the pond for a few minutes before flapping out again and shaking the water off. I suppose a pond it beats those bird baths the size and depth of a decent soup plate that most gardens have. Given a few thousand years and his/her offspring might even develop webbed feet.

I have heard of pigeons swooping down on lakes and canals to scoop a mouthful of water but swimming? Wood pigeons do show some strange behaviour when it comes to water though. A couple of summers ago in a real cats and dogs downpour a wood pigeon arrived in the centre of the lawn, lay prostrate and then held out a wing and rolled almost sideways with the wing vertical in the pelting rain. After a while it rolled back and extended the other wing and repeated the process before lying flat on the lawn with both wings spread wide as the rain lashed down.

As the downpour abated the pigeon stood up, had a shake, waddled to the bird table and carried on as if nothing had happened.

Is it just me or does anyone else think it a bit suspicious that we seem to be hearing of a new Office of Fair Trading attack on supermarkets and suppliers every few minutes these days? Just for good measure we also now have a well documented and long promised 30p a day increase in wages for prisoners scrapped a day before, and surely this must be pure coincidence, the local elections.

Perhaps I am being cynical but while the Government inflation figures seem to be based on the number of wins Derby have managed in the Premiership this season in the real world, where people actually have to pay bills, buy fuel, heat their homes and eat, it is well into double figures.

Now the old cynic in me thinks there might just be a connection between the OFT suddenly becoming the champion of the consumer, St George and the Supermarket and all that, and the local elections. Mind you promoting the idea of Labour being the champion of the consumer, unless of course the consumer is registered in a tax haven and consuming public funds, is one which will be a challenge for the new army of spinmeisters surrounding the dour Scot.

Similarly while paying prisoners more is not seen as a sure fire vote grabber by the election planners not paying them might strike a chord at the ballot box - tough on crime, party of law and order and all that - free stab vest with every Home Secretary . . .

The fact is though that there has been no increase in more than a decade and all the stuff about not being able to give prisoners 37.5 per cent when public sector workers are being offered a mere two and a bit per cent really is a red herring. We are talking pence here, £4 up to £5.50 and using prisoners for political purposes does seem a bit underhand. Whatever you might think of prisoners or their rights the Government had given its word and broken it, which says much more about the moral bankruptcy of Whitehall than it does about those residing at Her Majesty's pleasure.

Sadly I spoke too soon about Nokia.

For new readers to catch up the battery cover on my N95 lost two lugs so it fell off and is currently held on with sticky tape. Carphone Warehouse wanted £45 for a new cover so I contacted Nokia to find the correct price. Nokia could not tell me the price but showing brilliant service did offer to send a new cover. Can't get better than that. Well you can actually. No cover ever arrived. So it is back to the sticky tape.

Is there something in the contract of employment of politicians which prohibits then, upon pain of death, from ever saying "sorry, we were wrong"? First of all they can never admit anything has gone wrong and when it then becomes plain to see to anyone who does not have a dog and a white stick - and even they have their suspicions - that some wonderful plan has gone seriously belly up, we then get all the waffle about valuable lessons, excuses by the yard and the implication that we should all be dancing in the streets that the Government or council has done such a stunning job.

Take postal voting. If we had had a minuistry of common sense, an excellent suggestion from one of my readers, Hugh Jeego (I suspect not his/her* real name), then someone would have pointed out before the first form was printed that the system was an open invitation to some heavy duty fraud.

But that would have involved an admission of being wrong in the first place, so ahead they went. Someone whose salary is in inverse proportion to their brainpower decided that the reason for the scheme in the first place was to increase turnout at elections.

It didn't do that but it certainly did increase fraud to such an extent that first EU observers and now the Rowntree trust declare our elections are not up to international standards. It might not be Zimbabwe standards yet but it does tend to push us down from the summit of moral high ground when we castigate Mugabe for electoral fraud.

The system is flawed, we all knew it was flawed and once again come Thursday we will have bent elections and fraud throughout the land. I am not against postal votes but they should only be allowed where there is a compelling reason why a particular person should have one and not be given out like Smarties. As it is we will have the usual wads of votes handed in, filled in with the same pen and writing along with votes from the dead and people not seen this century but who are still on an out of date electoral roll.

As for increasing the turnout at elections . . . politicians have brought that upon themselves although personally I think not voting is a bit of a dereliction of duty, a denial of democracy, so I would like everyone with a vote to go to the polling station on Thursday. There is nothing in the rules that says you have to actually vote for someone, so If you really don't care who wins you are quite entitled to write your own personal message to politicians of all hues on your voting paper. My ambition is still to have a seat won by spoilt ballots.

*gender nonspecific to avoid accusations of sexual stereotyping and to show acceptance that the name Hugh, although seen as a male name in neo-modernist nomenclaturalist society, may also be seen as a declaration of femininity if she/he/it so desires - in a nonsexually orientated way.

Is it just me or is anyone else becoming tired of the BBC, in particular, and certain national newspapers being under the impression that the rest of the country is waiting with bated breath for every cough and snort on the London mayoral election.

It is a local election, of interest to Londoners, who as national television and the national press know, do not inhabit the wilderness north of Watford. They are the only ones who vote in it, are affected by it or have the remotest interest in it.

If truth be known it is hardly the main topic of converstation in the capital so why anyone should think that the rest of us are having sleepless nights wondering if Red Ken, Barmy Boris, or any of the other eight hopefuls will end up in charge is beyond me.

Anyone hear Olympics Minister Tessa Jowell on radio this morning explaining why the bill for London 2012 has gone up by the odd £7 billion or so - and rising. My estimate is still that we will end up with a bill of £20 billion plus.

It was a gold medal winning performance of evasion. Getting a straight answer out of her was like trying to nail a blancmange to a puddle. At at the end of her list of excuses and explanations cemented together by meaningless waffle I think we were supposed to be grateful that the Government had done such a brilliant deal and what fantastic value for money we were getting. You could almost believe it would be worth it at more than twice the price - which undoubtedly it will be when all the receipts are collected up from under the mantlepiece clock in Tessa's front room.

Next stage no doubt will be knocking billion pound size chunks off the bill because they are not really to do with the Olympic bid and were things we were going to do in any case, or had to be done whether we had the Olympics or not, or are just being hidden in the hope no one will notice.

Anyone hear Olympics Minister Tessa Jowell on radio this morning explaining why the bill for London 2012 has gone up by the odd £7 billion or so - and rising. My estimate is still that we will end up with a bill of £20 billion plus.

It was a gold medal winning performance of evasion. Getting a straight answer out of her was like trying to nail a blancmange to a puddle. At at the end of her list of excuses and explanations cemented together by meaningless waffle I think we were supposed to be grateful that the Government had done such a brilliant deal and what fantastic value for money we were getting. You could almost believe it would be worth it at more than twice the price - which undoubtedly it will be when all the receipts are collected up from under the mantlepiece clock in Tessa's front room.

Next stage no doubt will be knocking billion pound size chunks off the bill because they are not really to do with the Olympic bid and were things we were going to do in any case, or had to be done whether we had the Olympics or not, or are just being hidden in the hope no one will notice.

Want to see a real live - or dead, who knows - ghost? I was on a Press trip to Manchester last weekend where one of the places we visited was the remarkable Ordsall Hall in Ordsall - the name is a bit of a clue as to where it is I suppose - which is within a short stroll of Old Trafford and Salford Quays.

It is a building sitting in a redevelopment area which dates back to the 12th century and is run by a remarkable enthusiastic team of five who are doing their best to get the local community involved in not only preserving the Hall but in using it for everything from pottery to archery.

One of the big things about the hall is that it is haunted which attracts visitors and students of the paranormal from around the world so much so that two ghostcams have been installed covering the star chamber, a really posh bedroom in Tudor times, and the Great Hall where a White Lady pops up from time to time. If you want to check out the ghosts 24 hours a day then try

www.salford.gov.uk/leisure/museums/ordsallhall/ghostcam.htm

There is even a discussion forum where you can chat to ghosthunters from around the world.

Meanwhile back at the saga of Nokia N95 battery covers, Nokia Customer Services were quite helpful. The gentleman concerned asked for my serial number whereupon he could then give me my home address, inside leg measurement, current medication and favourite female singer. He listened to my story about Carphone Warehouse wanting £45 for a Nokia N95 battery cover then said 'aha, it's not us you want but I will transfer you', which he duly did.

The man in sales, who the call was transferred to, said 'No idea why he transferred you to us. Not our department, you need complaints'.

I tried to explain that it was not a complaint about Nokia - not so far - I just wanted to know how much a battery cover should really be without the Carphone Warehouse 1,000 per cent mark up - and where to get one. The Nokia man would have none of it, apologising for the way I had been treated and passed from department to department and said he would get the complaints department to call me back as soon as possible.

He was true to his word and within an hour or so a man from Nokia complaints department was on the line apologising for the inconvenience I had been caused, the time I had wasted on this matter and so on and said he would see if there were any covers in stock so he could send me one to make up for all the trouble I had endured.

So Nokia, who had nothing to do with the story apart from the fact they made the original phone, have come up trumps dealing with a complaint that I had not actually made, at least not against them, in a remarkable courteous and efficient manner.

I am so pleased the Government is helping out the poor old bankers by taking all those dodgy mortgages off their hands until they can make a profit on them again, when of course we will sell them back at a reasonable discount.

It makes you proud that, in our own small way, we are helping our captains of banking maintain their lottery win bonuses and keep their shareholders happy with flowing dividends. The splendid Vince Cable had it right when he suggested it might well be a case of privatising profits and nationalising losses.

No doubt when this blip in the profitocracy we seem to live in has blown over and the banks are making money again they will repay us with generous donations of tax paid here rather than the Bahamas, Caymen Islands or anywhere else where financial and fiscal controls do not run much further than "how much have you got squire?"

Meanwhile the Government, which already owns Northern Rock, looks like it could well have much of the rest of the nation's mortgage business on its books by next week - not that it will show up on the books mind you. Now we just have to hope the Government don't have the bright idea of commissioning a computer system to manage it all because on their past IT record that means we will all be spending Christmas living in caves and tents.