4X4s, Flat Tyres, and the Gates of Hell

I was stranded; doomed to bump along this godforsaken, potholed road which had been devastated by tractors and long forgotten by the Highways Agency.

At first the lane seemed bereft of intelligent life, but then I happened upon a nestle of very impressive houses. I approached the first and knocked timidly at the door. I was well aware of the fact that had I stumbled upon the dwelling of an axe murderer I could easily be raped, killed and stashed away in one of the local fields, so I was really scared.

The monster that appeared at the side door did nothing to ease my apprehension. Apparently I'd found the home of Cerberus - three headed dog guardian of the underworld. The massive, snarling creature only had one head (which had probably eaten the other two) and one of its eyes was bright, staring blue. It growled and slobbered and completely put me off knocking again. I beat a fast retreat down the drive, and up to the door of house number two.

This was a bigger and more interesting house - no dogs, but five or six suspicious looking cats perched up on ledges of the various, aged out buildings. There was a massive lawn that stretched off into the distance that was covered, covered in ducks. It was like a blanket of doped ducks, nestled idly on the grass.

When the owner appeared at the door I wondered if he was in the right house, as he looked like he could easily be Cerberus's owner. Half dressed, filthy, slobbering almost as much as the dog had been and one of his eye lids was so covered in white lumps it shook with the strain of staying open.

It was difficult not to look shocked at his appearance when all my concentration was being spent on maintaining bladder control and not sodding off down the gravel drive.

I wondered if he'd understood my thick brummie tones when I asked if he had a bike pump, or a phone as he stared at me with much mistrust for a good thirty seconds. Eventually he loped off into the house, and I turned again to look at my surroundings. Were those ducks getting closer to the house?

Suddenly he reappeared at the door bearing the actual prototype of the cordless phone.

It took me two attempts to dial home, the whole time becoming more and more shaky under the man's fixed stare. I hadn't seen any of the ducks move, but more of them seemed nearer to the house.

"Is that an African flag?" I asked while the phone rang, pointing up to the garment hanging from a flagpole on the drive.

"South African!" He said, indignantly. The ducks were definitely getting closer.

"Okay" I said, praying for The Other Half to get to the phone and come rescue me. Imagine my joy when he didn't answer.

I quickly gave the handset back to Cerberus's owner and legged it, determining that I was going to throw my bike into a hedge and walk home, rather than knock on anymore of these doors.

As it happened the occupant of the house next door was outside. He seemed like a nice man, working on a nice car outside a nice house, with a nice drive. I scanned the area for dogs, ducks, cats and flags, African or otherwise. None in sight.

I felt safe enough to shout up the drive for a bike pump, to which he called back to come up to the house. I did so, albeit warily (axe murderers can have nice houses too, you know) and he had a look at the wilted tyre.

In the end this lovely, gem of a man said that he'd "Throw it in the back of the 'Disco'", a blue, aged Land Rover Discovery, which despite all my disparaging comments of such vehicles, I have to say was, at that moment the most beautiful looking automobile I'd ever seen in my life.

Everything I've said bad about 4X4s, I take back. This great, gas-guzzling machine got me and my bruckup bike home, and I don't care how much my carbon footprint grew in the process. (Sorry Esther).

So my pleasant jaunt turned into a brush with certain doom. Then something happened that made it all worth it. The lovely man asked a question that made him seem even lovelier..

"So, what do you do then? You still at school or you doing A' Levels?"

That night, far from going to bed cross, fed up and worse for wear after the whole experience, I was very, very happy indeed.

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Email me at: fromheretomaternity@live.co.uk