Pregnant 'In the Face'
There I was, happily working away when The Norman appeared at the photocopier behind my desk.
I can't remember how the conversation started. First we were discussing the fact that all the photocopiers seem to be on a go slow, then we were talking about women who've recently gone on maternity leave.
Suddenly, she grinned at me. "And have you got anything you want to share, eh?" And she topped the loaded question off with a wink.
"Not again!" I said in dismay, my hand instinctively going to cover the gut I was now acutely aware of. This is the second time someone has assumed I was pregnant in nearly as many months.
"No, no, no.." said The Norman. Not from your belly - good god no (phew) from your face."
"From ma what now?"
"You know. You look pregnant, in the face" She repeated, matter-of-factly while fighting with some paper that was jammed in the machine.
"What's wrong with me face?" My hand moved from the belly area and began to inspect my cheek bones.
"There's nothing wrong with it, you just look like someone who's pregnant. I thought it when I saw you the other day. But you're not then?" She sounded disappointed.
"Erm, no. Categorically not." I got off my chair, heaved the left accessory away from the machine, pulled out some crumpled papers and hauled it back with my foot. "I am definitely, absolutely not."
"Oh well." Said The Norman. And with that, she gathered her papers and disappeared, leaving me feeling very self-conscious.
Later that afternoon in registration, my associate(ish) tutor looked at me, raised an eyebrow, and said "Are you okay today? Your face looks..."
"What? What does my face look?" I demanded. "Pregnant? Do you think I've got a pregnant face too?? Hmm? HHMM??"
"No - I was just going to say you looked tired. What does a pregnant face look like?"
"I don't bloody know. Like mine apparently." I went to leave, when Redpath, one of the Teaching Assistants wandered in.
"Redpath?" I intoned.
"Yes?"
"Do I look pregnant? No, no not my tummy, (I saw her regard my mid-section) my face. Do I look pregnant in the face?" I would have much preferred it if she'd just said no, but she spent a good minute studying it, before eventually coming and poking my cheeks and jaw.
"Hmm.. it does look a bit swollen.."
"What? What do you mean, swollen??" I didn't hang around to be further examined. I took myself off to the loos and looked at my 'pregnant' mush. I don't think it looked swollen. I know I've got a jaw bone to rival David Coulthard but that's nothing new. It certainly wasn't any bigger than usual.
If three people in one day thinking my face looks 'pregnant' isn't enough to give me a complex I don't know what is. And I'm still none the wiser as to exactly what it is to have a pregnant face. Can you really tell that someone is with child just by looking at their mug?
To think I've been feeling guilty about all the take-aways I've been eating lately, and now it emerges that it doesn't matter how fat I am, it's what my face looks like.
How do I get rid of my pregnant face? Is it a case of looking pale? Do I need some liberally applied bronzer? Or do I need to apply some shading, to try and make me look not so 'swollen'?
And just to be clear, I don't care how pregnant my face is. The rest of me definitely isn't.
:)
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Emma Deadman - is a first-time mum-to-be. She gives her take on life... from bump to beyond.
Ha! Brilliant. Looking pregnant in the face is probably when people say "you're radiant!" or "you're glowing!".
If, however, you are either radiant or glowing it is because you are smug at having swiped merchandise from a friend or colleague.
Remember that time you stole my frog, and then sent me a photocopy of it bound and gagged? Well when I saw you, you looked so smug you were almost emitting light.
Have you recently committed pikeyism? That may explain it.
I think they were saying I looked like crap. Also,as for the frog, if it were pikeyism then I would have just taken the dam thing and said no more about it. The photocopy was clearly a ransom note, therefore making me, if anything, a kidnapper. That said I did have Steve Sycamore's Koala in my possession for a short period last week. (not a euphanism). But I gave it back.