"Can you pick me something up while you're out, love?"

By Laura Yates on May 7, 09 09:57 PM

I should have known that asking The Other Half to purchase some feminine hygiene products while he was at the shop, wouldn't be as straight-forward as I imagined.

I'd given him guidance on what to get: purple pack that may well have a picture of a moon on it and perhaps some blue drops in the corner.

It was the gleeful look on his face as he triumphantly plonked down on the footstool, the thing he'd just spent 30 minutes looking at in Sainsbury's that made me stifle my initial reaction, which would have been along the lines of: "What the bleedin' 'ell d'you call these?!"

Women may suffer mild incontinence during pregnancy, and sometimes for years afterwards, but I don't think I'd ever said or done anything to warrant being bought ultra-strength, extra-large, Tena Lady pads.

"How was I to know?!" He cried indignantly, while dramatically pointing out the little blue drops (of which there were ten), the dark purple packaging and the twinkling little stars dotted along the top.

I sighed. I had to concede that there wasn't actually anything on the packet that indicated what was inside was for bladder weakness. I just thought everyone knew what Tena Lady are.

Oh well, how much difference could there be? Was my naive thought as I went upstairs, opened the pack and unravelled one from its white wrapper.

It was huge! I thought perhaps I'd keep them and use them as emergency nappies for The Kid, if I wrapped one round him twice and bound it with masking tape.

Perhaps I could use it as a bathmat, I pondered, holding it with both hands at arms length, although it looked big enough to hold a volume of water the size of Cocks Moor Woods swimming pool. I didn't want to risk it leaching all the moisture out of the bathroom and cause the bath to dry up.

No wonder my nan's all wrinkly. The incontinence pads she uses are sucking every last drop of moisture out of her. If it weren't for them she'd look like a youthful woman of 50.

I wrapped it back up and put it away. I'm wrinkly enough thank you very much.

I shall give it to my brother to use if the river opposite his house bursts its banks again.

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