Results tagged “snow” from Birmingham Mail - Nathan Jolly

'If it's warm, we're too hot. If it's cool, we're too cold'

You could tell the British public that on Saturday, the polar icecaps will melt - causing tsunamis, hurricanes and tycoons that will accompany the fact that Great Yarmouth to Holyhead will be covered by 30 feet of water, and they'll probably shrug their shoulders and think it's a shame they won't be able to pot their geraniums this weekend. But give them a magic sprinkling of snow and the country suddenly grinds to a frosty halt.

So much for global warming.

"And now for the weather...it's snowing. The Met Office has issued a statement that everyone should stay at home and talk about the weather. All transport should come to a halt (more so than usual). The country should enter a state of national emergency. Television companies should ensure that 98% of national news is taken up by photographs of people's snow-covered driveways and pets. And phrases such as "Brrurrr" must be used at least once every hour - accompanied by a slight, pretend shiver while looking out of the nearest window or coming into contact with the unidentified, white, fluffy stuff on the ground."

Britain is closed. Snow is upon us and, it would seem, that it's actually the worst thing since the frequent power cuts in the 70s, the 1987 hurricane, and Mufasa falling off Pride Rock in The Lion King.

Britain is already starting to rebrand itself as the arctic capital of the world.

There's something always strange about British weather. In other countries they use the term 'climate' more frequently but Britain doesn't have a 'climate', it has 'weather'.

And, over the weekend, wherever you went, you will probably have heard someone say "Oohh, there's going to be snow next week!"

And whoever says this always seems surprised. The chances are that it's going to be sunny, rainy, cold, or mild - there can't be any other option, and yet, whatever the weather, this always comes as a surprise to everyone and manages to make front page headlines.

If it's warm, we're too hot. If it's cool, we're too cold.

And, once again, up and down the country, people are shaking their heads, pouting their lips and tutting in shock that a "little bit of snow" has bought the country to a standstill; suggesting that Britain isn't as prepared for snow as places like Canada.

Perhaps in the same way it's not as prepared as Miami for hurricanes or not as prepared as North Africa for swarms of locusts.

But it's difficult to actually know what the weather is going to be like in advance.

Everyone wants to know that the snow will be there when they wake up in the morning so they can be snowed in. Not the other way around.

So you watch the weather bulletins avidly but still never actually manage to get some decent information.
Every time snow is forecast, it states that it's going to be the "worst snowfall for the last million years" and even the weather forecasts just show a presenter waving their hands around giving the vaguest directions since E.T pointed at the moon.

And the forecast doesn't seem to be directed at those having to go to work or on a trip.

By the end of the forecast, you'll have heard about the Gulf Stream, air pressure, and the direction of the wind, but you'll still have no idea if it's going to snow outside your front door.

Wind direction is all well and good if you're spontaneously planning on flying a kite the following morning or parasailing to work, but if you're going by car, bus, or train - it's not much use.

But you can almost guarantee that all transport services will be called off and announcements of "Due to the critical weather, we're sorry to announce that all services are cancelled" after it's been snowing for about 3.5 seconds.

We know that Britain overreacts a little. And we know that so much as a cloud, a leaf, or a fart could bring the nation to a standstill.

But if we're only going to get it once every million years we may as well make the most of it.

Of course, broken hips, missed flights, lost income aren't that funny but children have got it right: snow is still fun.

Yesterday, we saw a rarity in the news; a few smiling faces. It got people outside the house, gave people something in common to talk about and even snow made people converse with each other on their way to work.

Even if it was to swap insurance details.

Get outside and enjoy the snow.