Results tagged “Current Affairs” from Birmingham Mail - Nathan Jolly

'If you believe the press, it's a difficult time to be a parent'

There has been a lot of news this week targeting parents. Firstly, there was criticism of parents on Monday when it was announced that more and more parents are calling their children peculiar names.

There's an unwritten rule that as soon as a couple have a baby and you know whether it's a boy or a girl, you must first ask how much it weighs. Then, when you've thought about what the equivalent weight is in bags of sugar you can move on to the next stage; which is asking the proud parents what name they have chosen.

Then you have to smile and look really pleased for them when they tell you that they've named their newborn baby T.K. Maxx.

But apart from the naming of their children, parents have featured in many more headlines over the week.

There has been much in the news this week already featuring the phrase 'Back to School' - a turn of phrase that younger children may not mind hearing, if all they have to do at school is draw all day and spell the word 'cat.' But for those who are older and the phrase conjures up images of The Chartist Movement, 19th Century Poetry and Simultaneous Equations, the world may be looking a little bleak.

However, the reason the phrase has been in the news lately is mainly down to the idea of cost for parents. 'School Bell Leaves Alarm Ringing for Parents','Parents Unable to Afford School Trips for Children' and 'Parents Struggle to Afford Uniform and Stationery' were just some of the headlines to grace the news pages this week.

And styles of parenting also made the news.

It has been an accepted notion in the last few years that parents should not be 'pushy' and not force their ideals and aspirations on to their children.

Yet, Alan Milburn MP released a report recently suggesting that parents should be more pushy.

And if anyone was interested in what Alan Milburn MP had to say, there would be a stampede of parents rushing out to book piano lessons and elocution tutors. And parents would have their children hooked up on a drip as they slept - supplying them with copious amounts of Omega 3 while they whisper in their child's ear, 'You have the potential to be great!' over and over again.

The response to the report has been that parents always think that their children are better than everyone else's children anyway. Spending time at school in the day, coming home and learning time's tables and how to speak Mandarin before sharing a hot bath with Enid Blyton.

'T.K.Maxx is coming on really well. Oh, and did I tell you that Netto cured cancer last week with the chemistry set we bought him for Christmas?'

If you believe the press, it's a difficult time to be a parent.

Do you encourage your children to play on the street? Should you object if they want watch violent films? Should you make sure they learn French?

Perhaps play in sight of the house? Perhaps the occasional film if vetted by the parent first? And perhaps learn just enough French to be able to say to a French waiter, 'Please tell me this isn't snails I'm eating'.

Should parents give children a push in the direction of studying and passing exams to become a world-famous astronaut? Or let them become a free spirit, live off the land and support charities such as NSPCL (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Lettuce)?

And then there's the issue about what to put in a child's lunchbox. This week, it was announced by The World Cancer Research Fund that feeding your child ham severely increases the risk of bowel cancer.

Put the bacon down, and no one gets hurt! Step away from the spam! Is that a salami in your pocket or are you just about to pay a large contributing factor to your child's death?

The report said that the 3,700 bowel cancer cases each year could be avoided if everyone ate no more than 70g of processed meat per week. That's the equivalent of 3 rashers of bacon or 1 and a half sausages.

Parents will have to compare that with other claims from just this week alone, stating that some of the foods that prevent cancer are; blueberries, carrots, avocados, tomatoes and cheese. And foods that cause cancer are fries, steak, mackerel, sugar-free sweets and cheese.

Of course, cheese has appeared in both lists but, as these were all published in British newspapers, then both claims must be true.

And then there's the latest political correctness that has taken the school by storm.

At sports days, there are some schools in the country that have made sure that no child loses a race. And that's in the schools where they haven't banned sports day altogether.

Some schools that were reported about this year had ensured that pupils that came last in a race were told that they were the 'last winner'. In fact, most of the sports involved running around in circles until everyone was tired and then they all went home with a trophy.

And this leads into the next headline of the week. 'Competition Between Parents Reaches New Heights'.

A new survey (one of the several hundred that are carried out every day) suggests that while competition between children is on the decline, competition between parents is on the increase.

The report stated that while children were running around at their sports day this year with everyone winning and no one losing, there were brutal competitions between parents who stood on the sidelines eating home-made snacks.

Apparently, the latest craze sweeping the schools is to have parents prepare healthy food to bring along to the sports day. And then the real competition begins. Parents at a school in Kent, this year, were reported to have begun a food fight over whose pasta salad was the best.

One parent who was in tears for having their pasta salad thrown into the hedge said, 'It's just not fair. It took me ages to make and Chardonnay's parents just tossed it aside. So I gave them a Chinese burn.'

Another parent made claims that they were called mean names. Apparently, one man was verbally attacked by Reebok's parents who said that he stinks and that he was a pig. He retaliated by saying, 'I know you are but what am I?'

And even though the children's races have declined in case it hurts their feelings, (even playing Tag is considered victimisation) the parent's race is still in top form, with some parents reportedly training for weeks before the day.

Welcome to the Sports Day Training Programme For Parents. This programme is to prepare parents who are not used to running to be able to successfully take part in the parent's race at your child's sports day. This will save huge embarrassment for you and your offspring.

Rule number 3: No wunning aloud! Wunning is the combination of walking and running and it causes emotional turmoil for the child to see their parent wunning. It's for parents who feel like they're going to lose anyway so they may as well only make a half-arsed effort. Someone who is wunning does not look like they're in a race - they look more like they're trying to find the nearest toilet because they've just pooed themselves.

In fact, even John Prescott took part in a sack race this week for the opening of a new sports centre in Hull. Of course, having the aerodynamic properties of a bungalow and the coordination of an American bombing attack, he ultimately fell flat on his face.

But that's not all. There has been even more news piling the pressure on for parents.

On Tuesday, the Conservatives revealed plans to subsidy pupils by up to £5,000 for those children at private schools whose parents have lost their jobs.

While it's good news for the parents of children at private school and bad news for the taxpayer, the news has once again managed to open the debate about whether children receive a better education at private schools.

We hear stories about students from private schools who have received a million A-levels but couldn't get a place at university because their chosen universities are being told to favour those students from state schools.

But then the media add fuel to the fire by practically suggesting that state schools are only good for students if they want to end up with a degree in painting nails, or burping or drive-by shooting.

It's obviously not true that a private school education leads to a better outcome in later life. Success in life comes down to the type of person you are, not how many chemical symbols you can remember or whether you're able to recite the complete works of John Keats.

That's unless you're not the sharpest tool in the shed - in which case going to state school or private school doesn't matter, you'll still end up as a councillor.

And soon there'll be more news targeted at parents in the coming weeks.

As it's coming closer to that time of year again, there'll be the usual stories in the news about gap years and how dangerous they are. Another student with 'the world at their feet' who's gone missing while wading through some marshland on the wrong side of Somalia.

And the parents will have to stay at home and worry; wishing that their precious children, Diet Coke and Toyota, had stayed home and experimented with bull fighting and sword swallowing instead. 'It's much safer,' they'll be saying.

'How will people of the future look back at this time period?'

Yesterday, after the mention of the West Midlands being the region that has suffered the highest levels of unemployment in recent times, Peter Mandelson said that all will improve because 'what Midlands people do is help themselves'. This creates an image that suggests everyone will be able to get up as though they're in an American film from the 1950s and march out on the streets hunting down work. Perhaps by heading off to the local ranch in the Wild West of Birmingham to become a 'grafter' and make horseshoes while singing the blues.

Now, Peter Mandelson has contributed to a book called 'The City in Europe and the World' and he has also written his own book called 'The Blair Revolution' - soon to be followed by 'The Blair Revolution 2: The Brown Ultimatum' and then 'The Blair Revolution 3: I Know What You Did Last Decade...and I've Already Chosen The Curtains I Want When I Move Into Number 10, So Move Over Mr Brown'.

It's not uncommon to hear about people in government or those closely associated with politics to release books adding their own spin on the situation. Alistair Campbell published the book about his time with Tony Blair and Vince Cable, more recently, published a book called 'The Storm: The World Economic Crisis and What it Means'.

But if those publishing books about the state of our country are politically biased, what does that mean for the portrayal of our current society to those generations to come?

How will people of the future look back at this time period - especially if all the information and supposedly reliable sources become distorted over time?

There will probably be a future GCSE syllabus explaining that children should have to learn about how William Hague, George Osborne and Ann Widdecombe scored a hat trick each in the 2010 FIFA World Cup final.

Or how Davina McCall became the British Prime Minister and waged a civil war against Bristol.

History classes of the future would definitely be affected if our politicians are the ones writing the history.

'Today class, we're going to be learning about how Gordon Brown saved the British public from Swine Flu back in 2009. Please take out your copy of "How I Saved the British Public from Swine Flu in 2009" by Gordon Brown and turn to chapter 7.'

That's unless the sources the future students use in their classes are going to be more from the far left.

'In 2009, many MPs were criticised just for borrowing money from their constituents. The MPs only wanted to make their homes more comfortable as a reward for the hard work they do. How do you think the public's criticism made those poor MPs feel?'

And then there's the chance that information sources can get a little confusing over time. Like Chinese whispers.

'This afternoon, we're going to watch a documentary about the Queen of England, Queen Helen Mirren, in 1997.'

'Guy Fawkes broke the conditions of his ASBO when he attempted to destroy Parliament.'

'William Shakespeare's plays were a complete flop as he was refused funding from the Arts Council for not making his plays appeal to all generations and for not being modern and politically correct. (They did not feature a disabled, self-harming Lesbian from Thailand as the lead role.)'

Today's society is obviously a lot different from any other time in history and it's also totally different from what it will be like in 100 years in the future.

We're of the modern age. We're free trade, organic and smoke-free. We're bite size, wireless and in high definition. We're pre-packed, interactive and scientifically proven. We're uploaded, downloaded and prematurely post traumatic.

We worry about the onset of baldness and cellulite to the same extent that those in the 1700s worried about cholera.

How are we going to ensure that future generations know about us and all the things we did and liked?

How are we going to keep the stories going and let the future residents of the world know about all of the great British icons like Charles Dickens, Winston Churchill and Mr Bean?

How are we going to let people know about the Monarchy and how the Queen was head of state before the authentic power was handed over to Rupert Murdoch?

How are we going to let everyone know that people in England didn't really live in castles and spend all day drinking tea with Hugh Grant?

We need to ensure that creating the perception of society today for tomorrow's history books is not left to those who have a warped sense of reality. It's important that people of the future know about what it was truly like to be living in 2009 - surrounded by economic turmoil, the fuel crisis and repeats of Antiques Roadshow.

Even when the current generation are old and withered, their grandchildren will be asking, 'What was it like living in the old days with all those great minds such as Stephen Fry, David Attenborough and Katie Price? And tell me about Facebook and Twitter again.'

With politicians writing the books on social commentary, how is anyone in the future going to find out about all the things that are important to today's popular culture? Strictly Come Dancing, The X Factor, or the one where the entire house is filled with dim, self-important people who have nothing better to do than sit around all day talking about voting, moaning and arguing: The Houses of Parliament.

'You can no longer recognise a criminal'

There was a time when talking about crime would automatically conjure images of burglars climbing through windows, suspicious-looking people on street corners, and having to come back from purchasing a kebab with your buttocks full of lead.

We're told that all children practice criminal activities on their video games to ensure that in real life, by the age of six, they have enough experience to bump off anyone who threatens their drug empire.

But the fastest-rising types of crime in today's society are not coming from thugs in the street. Modern technology has allowed criminals with a higher IQ than that of a daffodil to proliferate. Now corporate and bureaucratic corruption from the top of the hierarchical scale is beginning to dominate - as well as that of identification fraud.

The latest news from the government's National Fraud Strategic Authority last week was not that they have been exposed as a gang of imposters secretly controlled by the Russian Mafia, but that they are launching a cyber security strategy in order to combat information crime.

Information and ID fraud are on the increase and with the latest warnings that it's costing the country £1.7 billion every year - almost as much as MPs - and so planning strategies have been stepped up. People are terrified that someone could be using their identity to take all of their money, carryout illegal activities or worse - order books by Katie Price in their name.

People hate the idea that someone could go looking through their rubbish bins, find their organic yoghurt cartons and past editions of The Polo Times and decide they have far too much money and that they are going to help themselves to some.

The main problem with identity fraud that comes with the advancements of technology is that you can no longer recognise a criminal. You can't just see someone dressed in a black and white striped top with a woolly hat on their head and a sack over their shoulder containing next doors' Kenwwood Smoothie Maker. Today's cyber criminals may wear a suit, call their children Doughnut and Banana, and have a fondness for caviar.

There has been much speculation in the past as to whether a criminal can be defined by their physical attributes, with the debate still open as to whether someone's appearance can give an indication as to whether that person has a violent nature.

A recent study has suggested that members of a jury base part of their verdict on the physical appearance of the defendant. For example, the defendant, a member of parliament, may have evidence to show they were in their luxury French villa when the £9 million was stolen from the Bank of England, and they may bring out Barack Obama and Nelson Mandela as character witnesses. But if they're not wearing Armani, they'd better get used to communal showers. "Off with his head," the jury will cry, "He has a beard and everything!"

It was confirmed this week that ID cards were going to be optional. The initial £5 billion idea was to reduce ID fraud and to curb terrorism - as though all terrorists would have Occupation: Terrorist on their card and that criminals themselves were going to have the knowhow to fill in the complicated application form anyway.

Dear Applicant,

Please note: The Home Office is a highly flawed department and we cannot be held responsible if your personal data or the details of that embarrassingly large boil on your bottom, that you did not want anyone to know about, is left on public transport or sold to the Telegraph.

'People would trample over each other just to catch a glimpse of a legend'

When the "news" and images of celebrities in the media consist of stories about their lives in glossy magazines, you may just think that everyone in the public eye automatically start marrying goats, drinking their own urine, and throwing phones at paparazzi - only to go home and have cocaine shovelled up their noses by a trio of burlesque dancers.

Seeing a celebrity walking down the street obviously means they're going to meet Meg Ryan for lunch and not just going to the supermarket, and therefore it should make national news. The sky is falling down, Gordon Brown has just declared war on South Wales, and a nuclear power station has just exploded, but Helen Mirren has just bought some new earrings so that is what, of course, makes the News at 10.

We seem to be living in a celebrity-obsessed society where celebrities have a huge influence on people's lives.

A product that could turn saliva into gold would be dismissed as ludicrous unless it's endorsed in an advert with Jane Fonda and then it's flying off the shelves.

But for all the superficial celebrity attention, there's a rare time when one person, can have such a dramatic effect across the globe.

You know you've made your mark on society and on the world when the news channels show images of people of all ages coming together on the streets to sing your songs, people wear a single white exfoliating glove in the shower in tribute, and people all over the planet are trying to moonwalk from the dinner table to the kitchen sink - even if they look like a giraffe with a bowel complaint trying to wipe gum off the bottom of their feet.

The high activity of social networking websites and text messages at 400,000 per second last Thursday evening meant that the news of Michael Jackson was all over the world within hours of his death. Even faster than on the news channels. After the vast surge in text messages, the viewing figures for the Sky and BBC News rocketed as people rushed to confirm if the news was true.

Believing all information received in a text message could be a risk with so many people texting hoaxes like the statue of liberty has come alive and is in the process of terrorising New York or Gordon Brown has gone rabid and has bitten a chunk out of Harriet Harman's ear while dressed as a Nazi.

But either one of these rumours would have been less shocking than hearing that a music legend had died. By 10.30pm, last Thursday, with the news circulating the planet, the news channels still hadn't caught up. You would probably expect no mention of Michael Jackson on BBC News - they usually drag their feet and check the facts before they make any hasty announcements. You would have expected Sky News to be slightly bolder and have quoted the news of his death from another source under a Breaking News headline. And you would expect Fox News, being American, to have seen a rumour on Twitter, which was good enough for them, and to be already holding a live séance in the studio.

The following day, people awoke to the confirmed news that Michael Jackson had died and those at Glastonbury emerged from their tents looking like Worzel Gummidge to the sound of tracks from Thriller, the world's fastest ever selling album. All over the country, news rooms were interviewing people who were lining up to say that they had met Michael Jackson - who had been to his concerts, stood next to him in a lift or was once sneezed on by the man himself back in 1984.

It was in the up and coming days that the focus changed from that of shock to a lament of a lifelong tragedy.

When images of his transformation from a child star to the 50-year-old, unconventional man that he had become appeared all over the news and on entertainment programmes, the words "misfortune", "pity", and "sadness" cropped up - and they were words that were used to describe the life of Michael Jackson on so many levels.

With mass moonwalks taking place, live re-enactments of the Thriller routine, and thousands of people of all ages meeting in the street to sing his songs across the globe, Michael Jackson has cemented his place in history as the world's foremost pop star who had become a living legend when he was still only a child.

Despite some of the negative opinions of him - distorted by the medium that is the sensational speculation from the media that, ultimately, contributed to his downfall - the fact that people idolised his music, would trample over each other just to catch a glimpse of a legend, and the vast number of tributes all over the world shows that he meant something to a lot of people.

And yet, already, there have been people criticising him and even criticising his fans for their mass tributes as though all of the attention is exaggerated. But it's a rarity that someone's talent is celebrated on such a large, international scale - especially for a performer who, in life, was a troubled perfectionist who would never be satisfied with himself and who heavily criticised his own circumstances - even without the media doing that for him.

For anyone who is not a fan of Michael Jackson, the fact that his work is an inspiration to many people should not be condemned.

Michael Jackson; with his unique style, being the ultimate live performer that broke all music records, created his own genre, performing from the age of 4; gave his whole life to entertaining others and trying to instil happiness into many people's lives. He has developed into an idol, a cultural phenomenon in life and in death. His lyrics and dance moves have become globally renowned, and his songs have become a soundtrack to the lives of multiple generations of people, and will be remembered like anthems that immortalise parts of history in people's minds like the ghosts of a long-gone summer.

'The idea of space tourism has been on the agenda for many years'

It's called White Knight Two Eve and, within 2 years, it could be taking the first small group of passengers into space. The vessel is specially designed using carbon nanotubes (in layman's terms, that's nanotubes made from carbon). The high-altitude jet will take a spacecraft (SpaceShipTwo) containing two crew members and six passengers into orbit. More than 250 people have paid over £100,000 per ticket to be some of the first to experience space tourism, but they'll probably still charge you an extra £2.50 for the headphones so you can watch Apollo 13 as the in-flight movie.

It is, of course, Richard Branson who is behind the scheme and everyone who wishes to be a passenger must take a 3-day crash course in space travel - just so they know what to do in the event of an attack from Cybermen, and also to ensure that the force is with them.

White Knight Two Eve will act as the mothership, designed to cradle SpaceShipTwo under its wing and then release it at 15,240m in the air. The vessel itself has received some complaints from not having toilet facilities on board but reaching 2000mph in 25 seconds should ensure that any passengers have parted with the contents of their bowels before leaving the stratosphere, allowing last night's vindaloo to become a separate entity within 0.7 seconds of the launch.

The idea of space tourism has been on the agenda for many years and, only now, does it look as if it's actually going to happen. Over 30 years ago, the Voyager spacecraft were launched into space so they could transmit whale song, and messages from Jimmy Carter, as if any little green beings on other planets are going to understand the English language - especially that of an American president. The plan was, in essence, that some extraterrestrial beings would pick up the messages and pop down to Earth on a package holiday for a cup of tea and a custard cream.

If any aliens were to visit Earth they would more than likely see the recession, overpaid executives, knife crime, terrorism, falling education standards, job cuts, global warming, diminishing fossil fuels, illegal drugs, violent crime, poverty, and Amy Winehouse and head back to the galaxy far far away.

That is unless their planet is an exact replica of ours. With the only difference being that on their planet Alistair Darling has purple hair.

So the new space tourism venture is set to install some excitement back into the world outside our small planet. Since the Great Space Race between Russia and America, the most people have to get excited about is a new tea towel or the latest ringtone for their phone.

So White Knight Two Eve should begin to awaken some of the enthusiasm. The only problem is that nothing is going to be as big as the moon landings - they happened in a time when space was more exciting; it was new and strange and evocative and had only been explored in television and film up until this point. The moon landings had all the great catchphrases: "The eagle has landed", "One small step for man...". Back then, even the astronaut's names were better - they sounded like superheroes (Buzz Aldrin) or they had incredibly strong arms (Neil Armstrong).

Bringing the ventures into space is a bit like trying to remake The Godfather in that it can only be a disappointment or, at least, would lack the excitement and calibre of the original event.

But Dr. Richmond Vrmgh, a physicist who, after undergoing a complicated and tragic operation in which he had important vowels removed from his surname, said that "White Knight Two will be the gateway into space tourism and it is great news that a British man has beaten the rest of the world to commence the space tourism industry. This will be a big moment in history."

And while we are all looking to space for the future migration of the human race, recent reports have said that actually living in space and undergoing frequent space travel will leave you short and fat. Before this concept, people were looking forward to space travel even when they knew the vessel may explode on launch, they may get lost in space or have to have a lightsaber duel with Darth Vader. But the thought of arriving back into the Earth's atmosphere looking like John Prescott was so terrifying it put people off space travel and they're all at home clinging to the ground.

So in the coming years when Virgin begin offering their trips into space aboard White Knight Two Eve, it will only be a short amount of time until there will be package deals to the moon. The moon looks intriguing from Earth, when you're looking up at night-time, but when you're actually on the moon it's baron, bleak, and is fatal without protective clothing - a bit like Nottingham circa 1985.

Some argue that human beings should not go into space, it's just too dangerous. And some say that the Earth is too precious a basket in which to keep all of our eggs. But there's so much that has been left unexplored on our planet - the deepest depths of the oceans, the labyrinth of ancient ruins, and Castle Bromwich. Perhaps it's better the devil you know and to sort out the problems on this planet before we create new ones on others. Before we take out the Martians it's probably better to first sort out the corruption at home and, in doing so, boldly go where no man has ever gone before.

'There has been the emperor's-new-clothes effect concerning modern art'

If you've been keeping up with the news lately you may have been given the faintest inkling that the world is in financial meltdown. We've been constantly bombarded with stories about how everyone is out of pocket and, according to the headlines, people are selling their homes in exchange for rice. In fact, you're probably looking at your pets right now and wondering what they taste like.

So, in this tense economic situation, it could be considered a risk to be spending money on any elaborate pieces of public art - especially when it is of the "modern art" variety, and therefore not so well liked and appreciated by everyone.

People are obviously against the idea of their hard-earned money going towards something that offers little benefit. After witnessing the public reaction to the recent MPs expenses scandal that left the nation baying for blood, there must be council officials all over the country sweating and drawing short straws about who's going to have to appear on Newsnight and explain the £3million 40ft turd they've commissioned to be constructed at the local precinct.

Visiting art galleries is on the increase, presumably as most of them are free. It seems even people who would have never visited an art gallery before are becoming tempted by the cheap days out - even if it is looking at a painting and pretending to admire the lighting before an American tourist steps in your way. And then run off to buy a Monet fridge magnet to advertise your new-found culture.

Generally, the public believe that true "art" refers to the old-fashioned style, where you have some idea as to what the work is supposed to represent. They like to look at something like the frescoes in the Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo for hours because the people look like real people and it's been painted on the ceiling - so they can sit and compare it to how they've never been able to paint their ceiling at home without getting paint in their hair.

A room where the lights go on and off would not necessarily be considered as art by everyone who saw it. Walking into a room to see the lights going off for 5 seconds and then coming back on for 5 seconds would not necessarily cause people to stare in amazement at how it represents the division in society and the divinity of human beings in the extensive magnitude or dimension that is the universe. They're more likely to walk in and say 'Is there something wrong with the lights?'

In general, people don't seem to like modern art. A television programme last week showed people offering their opinion on modern artists. Surprisingly, one of the most frequent comments from people was that artists look scruffy.

There would have been a time when you could walk into an artist's studio and see that he had white hair and spectacles and a waistcoat and you would assume that he knew his onions.

But people obviously don't seem to like the modern, open-toed approach to art as they see it as a move away from more respectful, traditional methods of creativity.

But there has been the emperor's-new-clothes effect concerning modern art. People used to stand and shout at the fact that the council have just paid £8million to see the "art" that is a chair in the middle of an empty room.

In order to impress the aloof critics, people have started to pretend that they actually see the reasoning behind the exhibits.

So now, people pat the artist on the head, call them "amazing, darling", and ask them how they got the ingenious idea to paint on a wall while wearing a blindfold and then urinate over it.

People used to have paintings of flowers and rivers and trees on their wall by artists who were creative enough to be able to represent flowers and rivers and trees to scale. But now there're going to feel like they should be keeping up with the times and staple one of their cats to the wall instead. Or cut off their own hand and mount it above the television. It's art, baby.

Some form of controversial art appears in the news every week. Last weekend, it was the new exhibition by Banksy - who is one modern artist that people often enjoy. This time public money was spent creating the exhibit and not taking it down as it usually is.

More notoriously, one of the most controversial pieces of "art" was announced under the headline "The Tate Gallery has paid £22,300 of public money for a work that is, quite literally, a load of excrement" - which referred to a man who left a personal touch by filling cans with...his, let's say artistic "vision".

An Italian named Piero Manzoni died in 1963, but not before ensuring that he filled a total of 90 cans with his vision.

If someone sent a can of vision to your door, you would most probably take offence and contact the police. But it seems if you send a can of vision to the local museum it gets you £22,300.

This does however; leave open the possibility of art fraud from millions of people having visions every day.

Something is only worth what someone is willing to pay for it and antiques, as well as art, are becoming a more and more popular investment.

There must have been a time in the middle of the 20th century when people suddenly thought that the past is 10 times better than the present and started to collect old things.

Presumably though, a Georgian desk would probably be of a much higher quality than a flat-pack desk that, if you tried to assemble yourself, would get covered with the contents of your arteries.

And giving someone a 40-year-old sofa would be an insult, whereas giving them one that was 200-years-old would be much more of a worthy gift.

It seems that in this economic downturn, people are investing more in antiques. While their own house may only be worth £14.50, their Victorian writing desk is worth a killing.

But it seems undecided yet as to whether people are going to embrace modern art or stick to their guns with the more traditional approach. Either way, it's not going to be the last we see of sawn-in-half cows and a pile of rubbish on top of a bed.

It seems the Mona Lisa is so last week. Poor Leonardo da Vinci (an avid reader of this blog); he's probably turning in his grave. It's not his fault he was born before the days of innovative art. We can only imagine what he could have done with empty rooms and a can of vision.

'Weather of mass destruction'

The bookies are taking bets as to whether this year will be a "barbeque summer" for Britain.

The phrase "barbeque summer" has been heard for the first time this year and it seems to have appeared out of nowhere - being splashed all over the news like a swarm of locusts on World Locust Day.

Where the phrase has come from, no one knows.

No one spent their childhood listening to adults talking about barbeque summers.

No one stood at the bus stop saying "I don't remember where I was when the Berlin Wall came down, when the Falklands War started, or who shot JR - but I'll never forget that cracking barbecue summer back in '76."

To many people, the phrase "barbeque summer" will signal the idea of quickly trying to grill sausages to the backdrop of an impending storm cloud.

In traditional British fashion, where everything has to relate to the weather, many news headlines have made some sort of a link between current events and the supposed barbeque summer.

Stories about sausage companies expecting to make record profits, of British package holidays to seaside resorts on the increase, and even reports that the good weather is somehow going to reduce the amount of violent crime.

So the barbeques come out and the excitement of eating outside outlines a summer of sun, paddling pools, and The Beach Boys' Greatest Hits.

But, as always it's difficult to pay any attention to weather forecasts. Especially when every weather reports involves the Met Office announcing another severe weather warning - that your skin will drop off in the intense heat, a massive flood will wash everyone into the Atlantic Ocean, or there will be such a dense fog that we'll all be attacked by werewolves and vampires that we couldn't see coming.

Having following the serious reports like murder and war in the news, the weather bulletins that follows doesn't want to have to just talk about drizzle and light winds. To create effect, they need to talk about how every day is the hottest/coldest/wettest day since the dawn of time and a "severe" wind and a flood is coming to wipe us all out - weather of mass destruction.

A severe wind and a flood in Cuba means the whole town has been blown into the middle of next Tuesday and people awaken in the morning to find themselves halfway up a tree in the Amazon.

Whereas a severe wind and a flood in Selly Oak means at least 4 leaves have fallen off a tree and the Ikea sofa has got a little damp patch.

So while we all know that the weather predictions of late seem very dramatic, everyone is still hoping that the prediction for a barbeque summer is one that is going to become a reality.

Event organisers are hoping to be raking in the cash with theme parks expected to take in over £4 million for this summer, even though plans to create another theme park have been rejected. Quite unlike the new sex-themed park that was supposed to be opening in China this October. The park features sex-themed rides including a 20ft statue of a female body from the waist down. If the plans go ahead, a male counterpart will also feature in the park - but it hasn't been erected yet.

So if the predictions are correct, with the leaves on the trees, the barbeques sizzling away, and the sun on our backs, the nation can kick off its shoes this summer and forget all the miserable news we've had lately and head to a theme park or spend those warm evenings in the summer.

But it's not just theme parks that are supposed to be popular with the barbeque summer fun.

Holidays in Britain are set to soar due to the expected good weather and the effects of the economy.

And also, it's been said that there should be fewer delays at airports due to the good weather as it's supposed to be the bad weather that is the number one cause of delays at airports.

But we'll believe that when we see it. When they say a delay is "due to inclement weather", it more likely means that the pilot has just been found in the cockpit holding a piña colada and wearing nothing but a leather thong.

'Advancing technology seems to give rise to new problems'

Last week the BBC made valuable use of licence fee payer's money to conduct a survey asking people if they feel that the proliferation of technology has benefited their lives.

38% said Yes and 62% said No.

It was also suggested that people would much prefer to live a less complicated, technology-free life and sit outside their homes like The Waltons, relaxing and playing with a piece of dust.

The enquiry then lead to a mini-debate as to the extent of the question, and also caused leading scientists to suggest that, to no surprise, Britain is no longer at the leading forefront of technological advancements and that technology that actually complicates things is unwelcome.

Now, unless you're an MP you probably don't catch sight of many £50 notes. But if you do, you will notice that the new £50 notes feature Birmingham's own Matthew Bolton, the engineer who formed a business partnership with James Watt in 1773 to make huge developments in the steam engine industry.

If you don't have wiry hair and wear comfortable shoes this probably doesn't interest you all that much.

But the larger subject at hand is Britain's contemporary input to the world's inventions and just how far the baton has been passed on to other parts of western Europe, America, China and Japan in terms of inventions, developments, and discoveries.

Britain has been home to many inventions and discoveries; including the fax machine, electric motor, steam and jet engines, light bulbs and, most importantly, perforated toilet paper.

But lately, things have started to slow down in terms of technological advancements from Britain, and, if there's such thing as the £50 note in the future, there's going to be no one to feature on it.

Unless they add Simon Cowell, Levi Roots, or What's-his-name from Eastenders.

And even in the world at large, technology can't seem to decide which direction it's moving in. It's difficult to come to a decision on whether we're actually technologically advanced.

When drawing on the debate as to whether we are moving backwards in terms of technology, the retreat of Concorde usually crops up.

There was a time when you could get to America in less than 4 hours on Concorde, and in a step back for technology, it now takes around 10.

But Concorde, as an advancement in technology, created large problems - the spelling of the name between the British and the French, the decided market portrayal and safety of the 4 subordinate engines, and the fact that the Americans said the sonic boom knocked over their cows.

Technology is expensive and even Concorde, in 1976 cost the taxpayer £1.34 billion - which, even in today's money could get a home for at least 2 MPs.

As always, advancing technology seems to give rise to new problems.

And there are also a considerably large number of people who have refused to embrace technology; people who spend their day dressed as Windy Miller to churn butter, who only consider spam to be a canned meat, and are just coming to terms with corduroy.

There was once the idea that technology was going to make life more simple and make complicated tasks easier to complete.

But every new piece of equipment comes with a new instruction manual the size of War and Peace and a remote control that is guaranteed to make your nose wrinkle every time you look at it.

And while DVDs are more convenient than VHS, they can, for some people, be more difficult to operate.

To the less technologically apt, playing a DVD is like guiding a Harrier Jet through a missile attack. Only more complicated.

Every time you watch a DVD, you're forced to watch a message telling you that you are only allowed to watch that film if you're at home, not in a public place, and you're wearing green.

And you also have to sit through messages about pirate DVDs - giving you the implication that the SWAT team is about to burst through your window and confiscate it.

And by the time all the messages finish, you're 191 years old and it's time for bed.

There's something interesting about the fact that people have suggested that technology doesn't make you happy - if anything it makes everything slightly more complicated.

Believe it or not, there are some people who just want a mobile phone to actually call a real human being - and not to send nude images to the Philippines, launch espionage satellites, or boil an egg.

But it seems that progressing with technology is actually going to mean taking a step backwards, turning away from the over-complicated nature of recent advances.

We may think we're advanced because we have a satellite dish on the wall of our house, because we can watch penguins falling over in documentaries on our plasma televisions, and check the weather on the other side of the world in over 100 languages.

But if there was the option for it to all disappear, how many people would ever choose that option?

Technology obviously isn't making everything easier.

For a world that has managed to launch rockets into space, put a man on the moon, and make high-tech machinery to prevent it from raining on the Olympic games, we still can't manage to print a document without the printer passing through hundreds of blank pages or saying "You have performed an illegal operation. This computer will now self- destruct."
Considering we can view images of robots looking for water on Mars, or can attach cameras to the back of a wasp, you would think you'd be able to watch something as simple as a television much easier than 30 years ago.

In the past you pressed a button the television came on.

Today, if you're trying to watch Deal Or No Deal (for reasons known only to yourself) the digital box will say that there is no satellite signal being received - only for you to have to call customer services, tell them your password, shoe-size, and the number of hairs on your head; so they can announce that the digital box isn't working because you've got to turn it on and off 17 times, take the viewing card out, sing to it, and then swipe it between your bottom cheeks.

You wouldn't expect your television to suddenly stop working in this day and age. If you were on the frontline of a military war zone or in the middle of nuclear fallout you may expect a small degradation in picture quality. And it would be OK if the picture cut off when something like Emmerdale was about to start.

The BBC study stated that people liked the technological advancements in the '80s - new, but not too complicated. If there's ever a time machine invented, it seems 62% of people will be packing up the computers, satellite navigation systems, and satellite-launching mobile phones to join Gene Hunt back in 1981.

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'There's something very different about local MPs'

Elections to the European Parliament and English county councils are coming up on 4 June. Ironically, it's about the worst time to be an MP at the moment, with their profession having probably fallen behind that of traffic wardens and serial killers in the list of the least respected people in society.

In a time when there's economic gloom and high crime rates, people are afraid to leave their houses in fear of being faced with a masked gunman, an axe-wielding maniac or a Member of Parliament.

On the one hand, people are voting for a representative of the local area and, on the other, people are voting for a representative in Europe - the place that really pulls all the strings.

Every day, 650 members of parliament in Westminster decide what new laws they are going to impose on the nation.

But it's not just them.

We have parish councils and borough councils and county councils and the House of Lords and the European Parliament - amassing to thousands of people who decide what you eat, what you say, where you go, how much you're paid, and how often you go to the toilet.

And every now and then people get outraged by them and, after an election, they're replaced with thousands more who do the same.

It's said that the European parliament passes around 24,000 new directives per year. It's for this reason that people seem to be against them.

By the time you've read this, there have probably been another couple of new laws.
You are no longer allowed to decorate your bedroom without planning permission and it's illegal to sneeze on a Thursday.

Generally, we like, and want to preserve, locally-run businesses much more than we like globalisation and multinational superstores.

People frequently reject the European Union in favour of good ol' Westminster, and sometimes like the idea of local councils even though people believe they're run by snoring lunatics.

We like our police to be like The Sweeney or Dixon of Dock Green as oppose to the FBI.

We fight to prevent supermarkets from opening even though they sell convenient, cheap food - and we strive to save local shops even though they're expensive and the vegetables look like Andrew Lloyd Webber covered in shrivelled weeds and mud.

So it's not surprising that people are said to be against voting for a European representative and the turnout is said to be low.

People don't like the idea of large groups deciding what's best for them as the effort is too generalised.

So, with that, you'd expect people to get a little more enthusiastic with local council elections.

But recent suggestions say that many people don't even know who their local MP is; the only thing they notice with regards to changes in the local area is the occasional bus lane popping up or a sign telling you that you will be fined if you don't pick up your dog's bowel movements from the pavement.

The leaflets full of MPs smiling, for what appears to be the first time in their life, have appeared on the doorsteps all around the country - taking their place beside the adverts for pizza takeaways and full instructions about how to wash your hands.

There's something very different about local MPs.

They operate on a much smaller budget and so they can only respond to complaints of litter in the street, stand outside Post Offices in high-visibility jackets, and smile while having photographs taken with children, owners of local businesses, and broken incubators at the local hospital.

And of course, the highlight in the life of a local MP is when there has been a flood.
It's universally acknowledged that that any MP should, after a spell of local flooding, put on a suit and some wellington boots and talk to the victims of the flood as their wardrobe floats out of the upstairs window.

They must also congratulate the emergency services for doing what they're paid to do and to not selling their stories of corruption to the Daily Telegraph.

Apart from the occasional appearance in the local newspaper or on TV at election time, it's rare that you'll ever hear from your MP - that's saying you even know who they are.

It has been said, that for many people, the little leaflet that comes through the door at election time with photographs of the local MP at the neighbourhood community centre is the first time they've ever seen their face.

Many MPs do occasionally offer a local surgery where people can go and voice their opinions and ask questions over tea and custard creams - questions of which MPs are probably trained to either not answer at all or to answer in a way that doesn't actually give any information or promise anything.

Having attempted to interview an MP on the radio, it soon becomes apparent that you're not actually getting anywhere and they just keep changing the subject - they like a little less conversation and more photographs with Post Offices and potholes in the road. It seems all of this aggravation ain't satisfactioning them.

Voting for an MP seems to be like voting for which candidate you like the least.

While people are disillusioned with the whole idea of elections and voting -- when it seems that one vote will make no difference, that same vote can do no more harm.

Democracy: the power being with the majority of the people and being able, through voting, to change the current state of play. We should try it some time.

At the moment it feels like democracy is the freedom to elect our dictators - on a local or international scale, and it feels like a vote is a choice between shooting yourself in the left or right leg.

'It's understandable that people are angry'

The news today hit the streets of Britain where citizens took time out of window-shopping outside Marks and Spencer's to express outrages at the latest scandal of MPs expenses.

Not surprisingly many said that they were thinking of moving abroad.

They said that they had lost all faith in the government and, if they had the money, they would be off to make a new life in the Bahamas.

It has recently been reported that last year, nearly 50,000 Britons moved abroad, and it is said that nearly a third of people have the intention to do the same.

The amount of people wanting to become expats and swap Costa del Birmingham for somewhere more colourful is on the increase.

And there's little wonder why.

In a land where tea bags are the essential ingredient for any crisis, tutting at someone is how you express that you are absolutely livid, looking at your feet or reading a newspaper gives you the right to ignore whatever is happening in front of you, and queue-jumping is on par with treason; there are still people who can't help being a partisan and would rather stay in Britain and face the music.

Even if the music is the tinkling of your smashed car window, the screams of people running for their lives in the streets, or the sound of an MP running off with your last two pennies.

But no one actually starts the day by thinking "I'm completely happy, I have the perfect job and a huge salary. I'm moving to New Zealand."

You're more likely to say "I'm extremely unhappy. I hate my job. I have no money and there's nothing good on the telly. I'm moving to New Zealand."

Everyone's going to New Zealand. The other popular choices are Greece where they like to stand on the side of the pool and jump on your head while you're swimming, or throw a ball in your face - or to Florida where they don't swim; they shout and play volleyball.

While many Britons, especially pensioners, prepare to pick up sticks and look for warmer climates, a report from hotel-owners all over the world have said that when British people go abroad they're badly dressed - if at all, loud, untidy and binge drinkers.

Apparently, hotel managers don't appreciate it when the Brits get drunk, do the Macarena in the hotel reception at 2am, and then run off to spread chlamydia.

So that's the pensioners' retirement plans ruined.

But it's hardly surprising people are getting the urge, now more than ever, to move abroad. They're tired of crime, the weather, and the government.

There are two rules in life. Rule number 1: Never undertake Morris dancing. Rule number 2: Always show resentment towards the government.

While it's sometimes dismal to hear constant criticism of the government and of life, it's understandable that people are angry.

The government may have been glad that the swine flu issue dominated the headlines since they knew their revelation about their expenses were coming up - to take the limelight away from their spending habits and their new refurbishments.

There was a time when unjust theft would have got you a prison sentence. Today if you're an MP it gets you double glazing and a knighthood.

People have spent their lives working and saving only to be left with no savings and no pension.

Having once dreamed of world cruises with sunlight dancing over their rum punch when they retire, they'll now have to settle on Complan: shaken not stirred, and a self-catering trip to Butlins.

And the money they pay the government in taxes has gone to funding war, a new kitchen in their second homes, and a £7.4million advertising campaign showing you how to sneeze in a tissue.

So it's no surprise people want to move abroad; spend their days in the sun until their skin goes to leather. Because a nation will turn its back on a country and government, if their government has turned its back on them.

'It's time to initiate a health warning'

"We interrupt this programme to bring you news of confirmed outbreaks of swine flu that is reported to slowly wipe-out all populations on the planet, sending the whole world into a CATACLYSMIC DISASTER THAT WILL END ALL MANKIND. RUN! But don't panic. We now return to A Place in the Sun".

There always tend to be two trains of thought on any pandemic or high-profile situation. There are those who sit in their makeshift steel bunker that they've built just for the occasion, ensuring they have enough baked beans, industrial facemasks and a portable radio so they can hear how the world is dwindling away.

Or, there are those who shrug it off and carry on about their business as normal, their head in the air telling everyone they've survived the World War II, Chernobyl, and Tony Blair- so they're ready for anything.

New ice ageism; nuclear winterism; vCJDism; globalwarmismisation; SARSation; avian fluism; terrorismisation; food crisisisation; climate changeism; oil crisisism; recessionitis, swine flu?...Next please.

But with many deaths already reported and the confirmed cases in the UK, the initial jokes about turning into a pig and about the issue being a load of old hogwash has run dry.

The vast comment on the situation, the methods for keeping the virus at bay, and warning for people to stock up on oinkment is running over the news and the internet like some sort of mass epidemic.

Although the government have said that they have enough Tamiflu for half the population, they say that they believe that they are thoroughly prepared to tackle the spread of the flu. Despite this, some people still believe the government are telling porkies.

It's easy for the government to tell everyone to keep calm when, as MPs, they're probably the first to get a vaccine.

Not that it will have any effect, as many people know that MPs have been suffering from swine disease for a very long time.

The disease causes you to still manage a smile, like you might actually be deranged, while you're holding up a budget in a briefcase that's 10 times for people's lives worse that any flu.

And the fact that people were stepping off the plane from Mexico and Canada without a single test for the virus, it may be hard to believe that we are prepared to stop it spreading.

You can't go on the plane with a toothpick or an eyelash, but you can get on with a virus that could wipe out a whole population. Or, even worse, have them locked in their homes playing Monopoly and watching reruns of Dad's Army until the next ice-age.

Many people are actually starting to get worried. But with deaths already hanging around the 100 mark, it's nowhere near the 4,000 people who die from normal, less news-worthy flu each winter.

And yet, since the news channels have put on their Breaking News signs again, and are using words like "Mortality", "Grave Danger" and "Pandemic", it's time to initiate a health warning.

Bird flu was expected to kill 150 million people. Instead it managed 257. Yet, the virus wasn't as easily passed to humans. Unlike the new swine flu that seems to be dominating the headlines.

But there are thousands of soldiers in the world losing their life for insignificant wars. Across Africa, 25 million people have died of AIDS. And 11.6 million have been made orphans. Why are they all poor? Where's the contraception? Rarely featured in the news bulletins.

And just over a 100 people die of swine flu and it's all over the news. The World Health Organisation. The White House. Downing Street. It's a threat to the West. Down the hatchets. Step back. It's a global tragedy.

'We'll probably somehow end up giving a massive boost to the German car industry'

After ignoring the British car industry for more than a decade, Gordon Brown has finally decided to get involved. The Prime Minister's latest - and probably, only - message to the sector that employs almost a million of his citizens, is that he intends to save it by establishing the UK as the international epicentre of the electric-car industry.

Never mind that South Korea and Japan produce more than 6 times more vehicles than we do, and that they are light-years ahead in terms of battery technology.

This week's budget is set to announce that the new electric-car scheme will create additional employment for up to 400,000 people, followed by announcements that everyone should be driving electric cars by 2020 - in any colour you like, as long as it's green.

And this is all supposed to happen when the government hands out up to £5,000 if you buy an electric car.

The debate as to whether electric-cars are better than their hydrogen-powered counterparts has raged on for as long as VHS vs. Betamax. It seems the decision to use electric has been decided upon by the government - the ability for the country to utilise hydrogen power went out the window when all British scientists moved abroad for proper jobs - avoiding the need for scientists in Britain to only research whether marshmallows give you deep vein thrombosis.

The idea of electric cars is nothing new; milk floats came, got abused for going too slow, and went. But every few years, some rich, elderly Japanese men appear on the television and tell us that the world of petrol and diesel is over.

If the electric-car idea had taken off years ago, no one should be driving around in a Bugatti Veyron - we should all be in a Toyota Turnip: 0 to 60 in 9 and a half days, turbocharged carrot juice injection, and quad speakers that play Cumby-yah in surround sound while you're out purchasing lentils.

The new plans are set to include roadside charging stations where people can plug their car in.

When the news was first made public, the eco-mental vegetablists got excited. They got all their friends around to their yurts for a glass of free trade South African wine and probably sacrificed a marrow.

But of course, while everyone wants to save the birds and the bees and the lesser-spotted Guatemalan honey frog; unless the electric cars are going to be powered by a fairy-operated, free-trade peace windmill in Scotland, the world is still going to burn.

There is also the fact that electric cars aren't exactly aesthetically pleasing and they're so small you'll probably have to drive with your knees in front of your face.

It's more like walking, but less comfortable.

In early reports, it states that there is no automatic gear box between the two front seats and, taking into consideration the high force involved with steering a car so compact, it sometimes means that the driver will slide across to the passenger's seat.

In a way, this is a bonus because people may then think you're the passenger and, therefore, this stupid car isn't yours.

The fact that the government are supposed to hand out £5,000 so we can buy a new electric car, and the fact that they're going to lose out on their fuel tax, means everyone's going to be taxed another way. Even if you don't care about the environment, you can be sure that the electricity companies will push through a massive hike in the price of power.

And while the rest of the world embrace hydrogen power and are flying around like the Jetsons, we'll all be chugging around in Gordon's green machines with a 3-tonne Duracell attached to the back just to get to the end of the street.

Financially, the plan shouldn't work anyway.

First of all, £250million has been allocated to make the scheme, and £100million is to be spent developing new batteries which will produce more power and last longer than those we have now.

In the past, General Motors, Ford and the American government have invested billions and billions of dollars to make better batteries and they still weren't adequate enough to get you to Sainsbury's.

The government would be better off burning the money. Or giving it to Fred Goodwin. Or spending it on Pot Noodles.

And they say it will only cost £20millon to erect roadside chargers in every town. £20million is nothing in government circles - to them, that's the equivalent of buying a spanner or a porn film.

With all of Britain's transport system supplied by electricity, let's hope our power stations, with generations worth of incompetence, won't bring the country to a standstill when everyone puts the kettle on at the end of Britain's Got Talent.

However, all the talk of electric cars is a stark contrast to the news we were hearing about the government's scheme which pays drivers £2,300 to replace their old banger with a shiny new car.

It has supposedly worked in Germany where the plan is to give a grant to those people who own a car more than 9-years-old. And this has worked very well for the 4 Germans who actually own a car that's 9-years-old.

The cars will then be scrapped and recycled.

This seems a little odd, considering the fact that buying a new car now would mean you have to buy a gas-guzzling one as the new electric cars won't yet be available.

Are they saying that they want people to buy new cars to save the economy at the supposed expense of the planet?

The government have spent the last decade trying to get people out of cars and into legs or public transport. Now they say that people should get back into cars.

But with the current economical climate, people don't really want to buy cars at the moment.

The government have obviously got some kind of plan here. The only way they're going to get people to buy new cars and encourage driving is by making the trains expensive and always delayed, ensuring that the buses stink and that riding your bike on the road leaves you with a head shaped like a pancake and a colostomy bag...Seems to be working so far.

We'll probably somehow end up giving a massive boost to the German car industry. Seeing as the British car industry died circa 1979.

And you can tell that Peter Mandelson is behind the scheme. If anyone knows about recycling things that have been banished to the scrap heap, it's Peter Mandelson.

'It was inevitable there was going to be trouble'

Watching the news seems to be like tuning into episode 1167 of the world's most complicated soap opera; a soap opera with an unexplainable, and sometimes, unrealistic plot line that you can't keep up with.

Lately, the news programmes have been taken up by computerised images of huge phrases such as 'Recession', 'Downturn', 'Doom' and 'The end of the Earth!' dramatically falling onto a map of Britain, or a rolling news ticker saying that Amy Winehouse is in rehab, out of rehab, or on her way to rehab.

Noooo. Noooo. Noooo.

But last week, the news programmes must have jumped for joy at the fact that it was time for the G20 summit, because all they would have to do is leave the camera running and let the soap opera of politics, royalty, and riots dominate the headlines.

We've had shock, indecency, embarrassment and adultery - and that's only from the Royal family.

It was a chance to get the news headlines dominated with everything G20. Sky News even had a 'riot expert' on the show. ('Riot expert' being someone who once dabbled with the highly-skilled art of shouting and throwing eggs back in 1973.)

Last week, the news presenters announced that bankers had been told not dress in suits if they had to go to work or to stay at home if that was a feasible option. To put on dirty jeans and remember not to shave so they would fit in with the crowd.

MPs, however, weren't told not to wear suits and the government advisers also decided against telling them to stay at home - just in case they got confused as to which one of their houses they should stay in.

With a combination of world leaders converging on London, it was inevitable there was going to be trouble.

But just in case all their preparations to film the riots were made in vain, and to make sure there were actually some riots to film, the news broadcasters announced bulletins that said something like: 'Police have warned people not to travel to the protests outside the G20 summit at the ExCel Centre at London's Docklands...The address being number 1, Western Gateway, E16 1XL. Of which the nearest public transport system is Dockland's Light Railway with the first train leaving at 0800 hours on Wednesday 1st April. See our website for directions of the march and to order your flaming effigies...Later on in the show we debate whether 600 protesters could manage to pull down Nelson's Column.'

And while the bankers stole their money, people tried their hand at hooliganism; disguising it as political activism.

They marched around London wanting to destroy capitalism, build windmills and campaign for the freedom of speech for organic potatoes.

And the news channels could just film it for 24 hours and their job was done.

But while we stayed at home waiting for the festival of rubber bullets and Molotov cocktails from people standing up against political oppression in the defence of democracy - what we actually got was a view of a few thousand people who had no idea what they were doing.

They even managed to smash the windows of the Royal Bank of Scotland in defiance - forgetting that as of October last year, due a bailout from the tax-payer, the Royal Bank of Scotland actually belongs to the general public - and so, in essence, they may as well have smashed their own windows.

Secretly, we were all waiting back at home, watching the news, for some water-cannon action. Very few things are better that seeing an angry person being hosed into the gutter.

If Jimmy Savile would come out of retirement, I'm sure watching an angry, organic, nuclear-free, vegetarian being hosed into the middle of next week would make the top of everyone's list.

Secretly, we watched with anticipation to see some crazy people being shoved back by police and yet in some areas, there were silly mini protests where about 75 policemen dressed like ghost busters stood around a woman who was so fuming, and so angry she had decided to sit down in the middle of the road.

Rebels these days.

And while protesters slummed it out on the street, the Prime Minister and President Obama were too busy tucking in to Jamie Oliver's pucker meal to notice the protesters outside.

Furthermore in the soap opera of news, the cameras followed Obama to Buckingham Palace where the Royal family took a break from cutting ribbons at museums and talking to vegetables to greet the saviour of the New World and his wife.

Back in the studio, Sky News had ran a feature on some elderly protesters who had climbed up on a wall in Trafalgar Square and, instead of rioting, they decided to play music and shake their booty like it was 1949.

The presenters then cut to a feature on Barack Obama hero action figures that had gone on sale last week.

There's even set to be a talking version. When you pull the string it says: 'So it has been, and so it must be, with this generation of Americans, that we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. This gigantic, yet tiny world on which we, the American people, hover; balancing like a floating lily in a lily pond of substance in deep crisis. I, Barack Obama, am here to the rescue.'

And it's even been said that a new action figure of Gordon Brown will be made - preloaded with three phrases. When you pull the string it says: 'This is a global problem', 'This problem is global," and 'That is a personal matter for the Home Secretary.'

So the news channels just sit back and watch the world make a fool of itself; their own soap opera.

Their stories come from the inadequacies of the nation and their own shortcomings and silliness; the people who attempt to govern us and the people who march the streets with banners, to which their protests fall on deaf ears.

And because of that, a whole week's worth of news was done on the cheap.

All they had to do was throw in a few statistics at the end of the show.

Job done.

And, did you know that 75% of statistics are actually made up?

Including that one.

'It seems that 11 is the new 40'

Last week it was reported that a single mother in Hull gave her child £20 for food before flying to Spain on holiday leaving them home alone and claiming she was fed up with their moaning.

Leaving her 11-year-old, she returned five days later after she "ran out of money" and was questioned by police.

It's quite possible that every mother, at some point in their life, has threatened to go off and leave their child when they're misbehaving - often in the middle of Marks and Spencer's.

They usually say "I'm going now..." about 10 times before quickly moving to a hiding spot behind the Maris Pipers.

There was a time when the child standing alone in the shop would have probably started to blubber at the prospect of being alone and wished they hadn't been so demanding for the bright green sweets.

But today, while the mother is in her hiding place and watching expectantly, the child will probably cheer, hot-wire a car and head off for the highlife in Monte Carlo.

There are some parents out there who fear at the prospect of going in the garden and leaving their children in the house on their own. If they go to do some gardening and pull up a few weeds, they make sure the windows are open, ask the neighbours to listen out for screams, explain to their children where the revolver is and how it can be loaded in less than 3 seconds should any intruders come to the door, and activate the satellite trackers they've got imbedded in their heels.

And yet they still expect to return from pruning the rose bushes to find their offspring on fire or off the coast of Somalia - having being kidnapped by pirates in need of servants.

It seems that 11 is the new 40. Especially from the child's point of view.

People seem to think of their children as newborn giraffes; slimy and unable to stand without assistance. But there was a time when 11-year-olds were highly skilled in mining and pick-pocketing.

Many 11-year-olds can outrun police, disable a car alarm and take on an entire race of aliens on their computers before bedtime.

So they shouldn't have a problem with a microwave and a can opener.

And an 11-year-old can probably be self-sufficient and entertain themselves better than people think.

In fact, why is it everyone is shocked to hear an 11-year-old has been left home alone?

Because people are fine with the idea of leaving a 95-year-old home alone. Vulnerable. Without pepper spray. And only blood pressure tablets to throw at a potential attacker.

At least a child can use the television and record a whole series of Pimp My Ride without looking at the remote control like it's the Holy Grail.

And with today's pension, can a 95-year-old afford heating bills? No.

Of course, a child couldn't either. But at least they can hack into the power company's computer system and zero their bills.

And at least children have got more to occupy themselves. They've got technology as opposed to rich tea biscuits.

Gone are the days when children were given a humbug and an orange and expected to make it last for a week.

Gone are the days, in the late 80s and mid 90s where children, who were off their face on gobstoppers, had robots that fired missiles into Aunt Imelda's eye and dolls called PeePee Polly who actually pooed and weed and cost about the same as a new Land Rover Discovery.

Both of which were broken before the After Eight's came out.

And giving a child a PeePee Polly now would be like giving Pete Doherty a train set.

People like to think their children are going to grow up and be clever and rich and productive. But they're obviously more intent on being a 'teenage dirtbag baby.'

While you, yourself, used to spend your childhood swimming in lashings of Robinson's Barley Water and make model aeroplanes, it doesn't mean today's 11-year-old would enjoy the same.

They probably want a Play Station or an iPod or a missile. Or a webcam so they can watch their fiancée getting ready for bed.

'Taxing as a deterrent is highly flawed'

If you'd happened to be living in a cave until recently, before coming out and reading the news; you'd think that everyone in Britain is spending every evening on the pavement outside a nightclub: head over heels, arse over tit - and, due to an obesity epidemic, are using the friction between their two massive thighs to generate enough electricity to keep Burnham-On-Sea powered for a fortnight.

But it's sparked a drastic action plan to get everyone sober and slim.

There's something a little worrying in the news that the British Medical Association conference has voted against the proposal to tax chocolate by only 2 votes.

2 votes.

If we want an example of a dumbed-down Britain, there's no need to look for Katie and Peter: The Next Chapter on ITV2, look towards the BMA. An organisation made up of supposedly well-educated people who think taxing chocolate to the extent of making it around 5p more expensive, is a good idea.

Where do we start? as Jo Brand's dietician might say. Britain is already taxed on wages, pensions, benefits, saving's interest (what's left of them), dividends, property rental, capital gains, stamp duty, inheritance, goods and services, fuel, alcohol, tobacco and betting.

And the same goes for alcohol. Leading medical advisors are suggesting that no drinks should be sold for a minimum of 50p per unit of alcohol.

If it was the case that making something overpriced would stop people from buying it and making something cheaper would make you buy it, then people wouldn't be coming home with Armani shirts and everyone would come back every weekend with a new sofa from DFS.

Admittedly, Gordon Brown has initially rejected the idea of making alcohol more expensive. But, if we're going to live in an age where busybodies are going to say people can't smoke foxes or drive while eating Class C 80%-proof kebabs, and instead; have a national holiday to celebrate parking attendants, it can only go downhill from here.

Surely, making alcohol more expensive is not going to deter people who really want it from buying it.

Earlier this month, hospitals in Staffordshire have had to remove the alcohol hand gels from wards as people were stealing them and drinking it. Apparently, the alcohol gels - as well as being effective against MRSA and 99.9% of all bacteria - also goes well with orange juice.

There is also set to be an imminent attack on supermarkets for promoting irresponsible drinking. No longer are people drinking in pubs where it can be more easily monitored. It's all coffee shops now.

And since people are willing to pay £57 for a small Espresso - just so they can sit and talk about how often they cut their lawn, how far the seats slide back in their new Toyota, and the decline in garden decking since the 90s- it means increasing the cost of something as a deterrent isn't going to make a difference.

This has sparked a Bring Back the Pubs campaign from bearded gentlemen in waistcoats that enjoy drinking in front of an open fire and playing darts: a 'game' where you stand up and do maths. Fun.

But there's not really space for a pub in today's society. There may have been a time a couple of hundred years ago when they didn't have PlayStations and Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, and they needed a distraction from diphtheria. People would leave the factories and not bother going home because the toilet was at the end of the garden and their children had rickets.

Off to the pub.

The attack on the cost of chocolate and alcohol isn't going to make any difference. If people aren't in pubs, they've bought a couple of litres of alcohol for 11p and are out on Sainsbury's car park travelling at high speeds in a shopping trolley.

Or they're rambling, sliding in vomit, and a little trickle of alcohol has led them to believe they're about 10 times more interesting than they actually are.

It's these people the busybodies should be interested with. Not the people who drink responsibly. Taxing as a deterrent is highly flawed.

Next, they'll be taxing women for wearing high-heels, people who breathe out too much carbon dioxide, and those who are so skinny they have a tendency to fall down drains.

'Everywhere you look you'll see a guide to defeating the recession'

Even HSBC: The world's local bank (6,000 miles away in a communist country) has had its profits plummet.

It was reported yesterday that along with the car industry, some of the worst affected areas are the television companies and hair dressers. This may be the reason why repeats of Cash in the Attic seem to be dominating the television schedules and why more and more people are walking around with hair like a baby gorilla.

With the recession hitting the television companies it seems the quality of the programming is going to decrease even more.

Future Radio Times entries should look something like this:

8.00pm - The Bill
Tonight's action-packed episode centres on a food fight in a school canteen and a man is arrested for dropping an apple on the floor in broad daylight.

9.00pm - Who Wants To Win £3.87?
Presented by new host Ingrid Tarrant. Contestants answer questions for a chance to win £3.87.

10.00pm - I'm A Celebrity. . . Get Me Out Of Here!
Anneka Rice, Mr. Blobby and the Short One from Casualty compete to be king or queen of the jungle. Live from the urban allotments in Stoke-On Trent. Presented by Ant.

10.30pm - Britain's Best Dish - Celebrity Special
One of the Nolan Sisters microwaves a Pot Noodle. See pick of the day.

11.00pm -Midsomer Murders
DCI Barnaby retires when he realises he's the only one left alive in Midsomer. He discovers that the rest have either been murdered or have moved to Eastern Europe in search of work. Last in the series.

01.00am - CSI: Digbeth
Remake of the American crime drama. The team discover an aluminium can has been placed in a paper-recycling box and pursue the culprit.

It's even been suggested that the recession isn't necessarily affecting the low-income families.

Those who have spent their life ensuring they only eat sweets that come lightly-dusted in a round tin, that have conditioned themselves to refer to a game of croquet as being 'absolutely marvellous', and have experimented with off-white emulsions, are said to be the ones who will suffer due the worthlessness of their savings.

Everywhere you look you'll see a guide to defeating the recession.

Going out and collecting wild berries, making a doormat out of wooden clothes pegs, and knitting a microwave and fan-assisted oven.

Last week, £150billion of extra money was printed.

Quantitative easing, they call it, as if it's something new - forgetting it's what Mugabe has been doing for years.

When the British government are taking financial advice from an authoritarian tyrant, you know there's a problem.

When this financial situation first started, some people said it's just what the country needs - something to unite everyone and make people concentrate on the things that matter.

At best, it's united everyone against people. It's the bankers' faults. It's the MPs' faults. It's America's fault. And if you read the Daily Mail, it's Global Warming's fault.

And a common question has been about the salary of MP's.

An MP gets £63,291 per year, excluding expenses.

But this will actually improve the economy because the money they spend on alcohol, prostitutes, and nude women gyrating to Britney Spears' Womanizer, will mean the money soon filters back into the community.

But for all the blaming, job hunting, and eating leftovers, we'll still end up having to walk 30 miles to collect wood, before walking 30 miles to get back and burn it to power the television so we can watch the final of Dancing on Thin Ice - in which tonight's episode Rick Wallar battles it out with Gillian McKeith for the title of 2009 champion. Repeated tomorrow. And the day after.

'The increased sales in science magazines are making OK! Magazine look like Laminate Floor Monthly'

The ability to use stem cells to treat diseases without using embryos is a 'step closer', with a British and Canadian team having manipulated human skin cells to act like embryonic stem cells.

The news managed to make most newspapers. The Daily Mail ran with "Breakthrough by British Scientists" (they'll put "and Canadian" somewhere really small), The Times had "Stem Cell Breakthrough Could Solve Ethical Dilemmas", and the Isle of White Herald went with "Sheep Disappearance due to Alien Invasion".

In a time when running off with someone's mobile phone will put you in prison, but running off with someone's pension will put you in a 5-star resort in the Maldives, it's nice to know that there is actually some real work being done and not just releasing the usual bananas-make-your-eyes-fall-out statements.

The fact that it now means embryos will not have to be used, should make the whole situation regarding ethics a little easier and scientists can now begin to look at new ways of curing some diseases.

America has recently put $50billion (that's currently about £1.99) into stem cell research, but the ethics-in-science debate still pops up every now and again.

Last week, in India, home embryo freezers were made available for those who could afford them. Supposedly in case any couples who are undergoing IVF want to be closer to their frozen embryos.

Although a little strange, some people have said it's a good idea. The only problem being that if there's a power cut you'd have to run halfway across town with your embryos pressed between a bag of peas and McCain oven chips.

Best before Jan 2016.

Some people are still against IVF, saying that it's not religiously moral. I'm not well-read in the Bible but I'm sure it doesn't have one of the commandments listed as 'Thou shalt not place thy products in liquid nitrogen and nor shalt they be cryogenically frozen until a husband/wife has been found on DatingDirect.com.'

The same goes for organ donation. Many people still don't want to sign up in case they're 'left to die' so their organs can go to someone in the next bed. It would probably be ok if they let you make a list of who you don't want your organs to go to in the unlikely event of your death.

Then again, the chances of Peter Mandelson requiring one of your kidneys are remote.

It was suggested, last month, that many people are quitting their jobs as scientists and retraining in other professions because they feel hassled by all of the ethical issues facing their work.

What would you rather do? Sit around Brindley Place drinking skinny lattes with Richard and Judy or spend your days arguing with protesters and genetically engineering bacteria to be fluent in Cantonese?

Despite this, the interest in popular science has increased recently. With being able to isolate the gene that causes a jellyfish to be fluorescent, and inserting it into mice, people are interested by the weird science.

The increased sales in science magazines are making OK! Magazine look like Laminate Floor Monthly.

Show people pictures of anti-gravity chambers and flying cars and they're suddenly interested in science. None of that boring atom business they did when they were at school. They want to see rockets and jetpacks, not periodic tables.

Saying that, everyone takes some interest in the boring parts of science when it's beneficial to them.

They know it's a scientific fact that, when eating, you'll not absorb any fat from the food you take from someone else's plate.

And they see the importance of molecular structures.

For example, they know that two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom make up the most important molecule: water. And they wouldn't be able to live without it, being as it's a major constituent of beer.

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'The latest figures suggest that flights abroad are becoming less popular'

Supposedly, this is the week, (half-term week) when many people are going to be booking their summer holidays. That's if they're not already on holiday - having put their last two, credit-crunched pennies towards the extortionate half-term prices.

It may only be a third of the price next week, but the fine from the school for parents taking their children away from detention and learning about John Milton's infused new significance into the concept of history in poetry, will make up for that.

Despite having no money, no job, and no Woolworths, people are still going on holiday.
They may not be going for a fortnight stay in the Maldives, relaxing in a 5-star hotel, or even waking up to the sound of tropical birds in a far-away land, but they're still going on holiday.

There is set to be an increase in people taking the cheaper options this year with the number of holidaymakers deciding to go camping or caravanning set to increase even more than last year.

Some camping parks, this year, are already fully booked and some people are having to join waiting lists for a camping reservation.

When you have to wait a year to go out of your warm house for the opportunity to sleep on the floor next to a tree, you know something is wrong.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the hotel industry.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds, over mountains, and high pressures, for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

For your whole life, you've made numerous successful attempts to open zips on coats, bags and trousers - but, you can bet that when you're soaking wet; trying to open a tent with frostbitten, icy-blue fingers that have been rendered useless, the zip to the tent will never open.

Camping is a holiday where you have to do your business in a hole (or even in a public washroom), go and eat in a restaurant that serves food that tastes and smells like donkey feet - where people look like extras from Dawn of the Dead from lack of sleep - before returning to your tent so you can lie on the floor in the freezing cold, and count how many fingers you have left.

But there have also been an increase in adventurous holiday packages over the last year. There's even a chance for people to learn to fly their own plane to their holiday destinations.

But then these are for people who have enough time and money on their hands that they are willing to learn to fly a plane. And it's not very convenient to have to learn to fly a plane just to have a weekend in Italy.

Learning to fly is not like a driving test when you just show the man in beige trousers you can reverse around a corner.

The latest figures suggest that flights abroad are becoming less popular. Although it does seem that there have been a few too many plane crashes lately.

Earlier this month there were complaints from passengers onboard an Aeroflot flight about to depart from Moscow to New York. They were waiting to take off - the excitement of getting an in-flight meal keeping them on the edge of their seats - when they started to question the mental state of their pilot - who turned out to be drunk.

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this ishhh your captain slurrrrrring. I reeeeally love you. No, I'm not just saying that. I reeeeally, reeeeally love all my passengers - because you're reeeeally, reeeeally lovely.'

It makes you wonder about the priorities of the airlines.

You're not allowed on the plane unless you've arrived 7 days in advance, the staff have ruined your laptop, revealed your underwear to all the other passengers while rummaging through your luggage, had a dozen spaniels sniffing around your shoes, and been shot at for trying to carry a bottle of water on the plane.

And the pilot just walks straight by like John Travolta at the start of Saturday Night Fever with a bottle of tequila in his hand, while you're queuing to be x-rayed in case you've got nail clippers in your pocket that you may use to hijack the plain by clipping everyone to death.

'It's somewhat lucky that the latest crime report was released without much mention from the press'

It's been a relatively good time for the government this week. They've managed to quietly announce the fact that reports of car crime and violent crime are on the increase compared to this time last year.

They managed to slip it out so quietly, so that even the Daily Mail didn't notice; while Britain was battling, hands on hips, with an ice age, and Carol Thatcher was being swallowed up by the fires of hell.

The usual freedom-of-speech argument crops up even more frequently now, thanks to the Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand scenario that nearly caused World War III.

It seems these days you can't talk about cement or a loaf of bread without getting the BCM (British Collective of Moaners) or the WIFA (Weeds Instead of Food Association) on your back.

Even Jeremy Clarkson had a slap on the wrist, again, for calling Gordon Brown a 'one-eyed Scottish idiot'.

Scottish? That's a little harsh.

Taking the fact that everyone was making snowmen and debating which words are socially acceptable (the f-word only after 9pm, the c-word: never, and the n-word: also never - unless you're Quentin Tarantino) the Government had managed to mention the latest crime figures in a tiny report that no one would notice.

A report of crime figures are always depressing and hearing MPs talking about them is even worse.

When talking about action against car crime, use of the word 'tough' has increased 59%. When referring to violent crime, the incidence of MPs saying "tough" has gone up by a massive 81%.

We are now 76% more likely to be assaulted by the phrase "more bobbies on the beat" than at any time in the last 50 years and millions of us now live in fear of the trauma of waking up to discover that Jacqui Smith is going to be calling a press conference.

Jacqui Smith will also be disappointed that the crime figures have risen, despite all her best efforts to only get all Conservatives arrested on a regular basis.

The main area, it seems, where incidences of crime had fallen are with burglaries. The only increase being with those people who left their houses to attend their weekly Neighbourhood Watch meeting.

The latest report states that young males are still the largest law-breakers. But this is easy to sort out. All that needs to be done is to introduce new laws to balance it out a little across the whole of society.

Laws like: arresting people who believe that pressing the button to call the lift several times is going to make it arrive any faster, handcuffing people who walk away from a jammed printer - knowing full well they were the ones to jam it, and charging people who think that slightly lowering your head into your shoulders when it's raining is going to stop you from getting any less wet.

It's somewhat lucky that the latest crime report was released without much mention from the press.

While listening to the usual tough-on-crime-tough-on-the-causes-of-crime speeches; if you can hear them over the members of the crowd shouting 'bugger off!', there's a certain amount of disillusionment that no matter how many catchphrases are used it won't make a difference.

With murders, knife attacks, car-theft, and mugging threatening people every day, the government are set to be 'tough' on crime and anyone who disagrees with this will get a dead leg from good ol' Jacqui Smith.

'If it's warm, we're too hot. If it's cool, we're too cold'

You could tell the British public that on Saturday, the polar icecaps will melt - causing tsunamis, hurricanes and tycoons that will accompany the fact that Great Yarmouth to Holyhead will be covered by 30 feet of water, and they'll probably shrug their shoulders and think it's a shame they won't be able to pot their geraniums this weekend. But give them a magic sprinkling of snow and the country suddenly grinds to a frosty halt.

So much for global warming.

"And now for the weather...it's snowing. The Met Office has issued a statement that everyone should stay at home and talk about the weather. All transport should come to a halt (more so than usual). The country should enter a state of national emergency. Television companies should ensure that 98% of national news is taken up by photographs of people's snow-covered driveways and pets. And phrases such as "Brrurrr" must be used at least once every hour - accompanied by a slight, pretend shiver while looking out of the nearest window or coming into contact with the unidentified, white, fluffy stuff on the ground."

Britain is closed. Snow is upon us and, it would seem, that it's actually the worst thing since the frequent power cuts in the 70s, the 1987 hurricane, and Mufasa falling off Pride Rock in The Lion King.

Britain is already starting to rebrand itself as the arctic capital of the world.

There's something always strange about British weather. In other countries they use the term 'climate' more frequently but Britain doesn't have a 'climate', it has 'weather'.

And, over the weekend, wherever you went, you will probably have heard someone say "Oohh, there's going to be snow next week!"

And whoever says this always seems surprised. The chances are that it's going to be sunny, rainy, cold, or mild - there can't be any other option, and yet, whatever the weather, this always comes as a surprise to everyone and manages to make front page headlines.

If it's warm, we're too hot. If it's cool, we're too cold.

And, once again, up and down the country, people are shaking their heads, pouting their lips and tutting in shock that a "little bit of snow" has bought the country to a standstill; suggesting that Britain isn't as prepared for snow as places like Canada.

Perhaps in the same way it's not as prepared as Miami for hurricanes or not as prepared as North Africa for swarms of locusts.

But it's difficult to actually know what the weather is going to be like in advance.

Everyone wants to know that the snow will be there when they wake up in the morning so they can be snowed in. Not the other way around.

So you watch the weather bulletins avidly but still never actually manage to get some decent information.
Every time snow is forecast, it states that it's going to be the "worst snowfall for the last million years" and even the weather forecasts just show a presenter waving their hands around giving the vaguest directions since E.T pointed at the moon.

And the forecast doesn't seem to be directed at those having to go to work or on a trip.

By the end of the forecast, you'll have heard about the Gulf Stream, air pressure, and the direction of the wind, but you'll still have no idea if it's going to snow outside your front door.

Wind direction is all well and good if you're spontaneously planning on flying a kite the following morning or parasailing to work, but if you're going by car, bus, or train - it's not much use.

But you can almost guarantee that all transport services will be called off and announcements of "Due to the critical weather, we're sorry to announce that all services are cancelled" after it's been snowing for about 3.5 seconds.

We know that Britain overreacts a little. And we know that so much as a cloud, a leaf, or a fart could bring the nation to a standstill.

But if we're only going to get it once every million years we may as well make the most of it.

Of course, broken hips, missed flights, lost income aren't that funny but children have got it right: snow is still fun.

Yesterday, we saw a rarity in the news; a few smiling faces. It got people outside the house, gave people something in common to talk about and even snow made people converse with each other on their way to work.

Even if it was to swap insurance details.

Get outside and enjoy the snow.