Euro trash

So another Eurovision Song Contest has come and gone, eh?

And where did Britain come? Joint last!!! Got to love the controversy that has followed. Yes political voting played a part, as it has done for years, in deciding the winner (whoever that was). We knew it would so it is no suprise.

But that doesn't explain why the UK entrant Andy Abraham came last with just 14 points. One current theory is that the whole of Europe wanted to see Britain humiliated so everyone voted against us!! While it would come as no surprise to find some countries dishing out poor marks to the UK based purely on a hatred towards this island, it's hard to believe almost everyone was thinking like this.

Perhaps, instead, we should look at the actual song. Abraham wrote Even If himself and let's just say he's no Dylan. A sample lyric: "Even if the world stops love, I could never stop loving you. Even, if the sun stops rising, I want to wake up with you." What?? I wrote better lyrics than that when I was a fifth former dreaming of being in a band like Guns N Roses.

How about "Even if cows stop being milked, I want to make a milkshake for you" or "Even if I never become deaf, I want to have hearing problems when this song comes on the radio"?

Ah, Andy Abraham. Where did it all go wrong? He was a bin man but then his career took a nosedive when he, not only appeared on X Factor, but lost. To Shayne "UK's Justin Timberlake" Ward. (Does that make Andy the UK's Dustbin Timberlake?).

Britain prides itself on not taking the contest seriously and then spends forever complaining when the chosen song does extremely badly. But Even If came joint last because it was rubbish, quite frankly.

So, to paraphrase the greatest bit of football commentary ever, I just want to say Terry Wogan, Gordon Brown, Maggie Thatcher, Simon Cowell, Lord Nelson, Dot Cotton, The Queen, Cliff Richard, Sandie Shaw and Bucks Fizz. Can you hear me? Bucks Fizz, your boy took a hell of a beating...because he was Euro trash.