Beer today, gone tomorrow
I've just been informed by my wife that I'm "drinking too much".
I don't think a large glass of red or a couple of bottles of Bud every other night is "too much" but a look at the recyling crate suggests she might have a point.
So to remedy the situation I've taken to buying this fizzy stuff - I started with the pretentiously named Cranberry and Aci presse - at a couple of quid a throw to fool my body into thinking it's booze.
So when Nick sat down to watch the telly with us with a half pint glass of blackcurrant squash after his football training, I thought to myself 'that's good, get some fluid back in after all that running about'.
Until the horrible truth dawned on me and I realised this was his second glass...and he'd helped himself to almost the entire bottle of my 'new age non alcoholic wine'.
Is this just a dress rehearsal for when he's old enough to drink my booze? If it is I'm going back to the hard stuff.
The experts, in the one survey I choose to take seriously, say wine is good for you anyway.
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Bad Dad - A look at life with small and teenage children
My motto is 'die happy'. Now while that doesn't mean constant drunken stupour nor too large a level of obesity, it does involve:
a large glass of wine every other day (unless you forget the sequence, and then you can get away with every other day for a while);
pork scratchings (good for the day's salt dosage, and even vegetarians can enjoy them, as it's only like biting your nails really);
A few pints of real ale every so often (never give the game a way with codified regularity here); and
kids' cup cakes (why not?).
Just keep it all uner control (burp).
If you can't drink a beer in your own home, what can you do?
Go on then big man, drink yourself into a early grave. As long as you're insured, I'm laughing.