TV Football gives you Comic Relief

THE pantomime season has started ten months early.

It's deadline day boys and girls.

TV Reporter David Craig, complete with his two mobile phones and a laptop, starts reading an email outside St James' Park.

It appears to be from the one man who really needs every bit of support from anyone in the North-east prepared to lend an ear.

That snivelling crawler Mike Ashley says something along the lines of Sky Sports News being "compulsive viewing" on deadline day. "This is the part I like.." points out our 'Craigy' as he reads the bit about Ashley sending out half-price bacon rolls and tea to the crew.

Craig informs the viewer that the A1 was a 40mph zone on the inside lane on his journey up earlier in the morning: "That could complicate matters" he says.

Do Premiership players refuse to drive slower than 40mph?

At 9.50am the drama really starts.

Bryan Swanson, chief news reporter, is in snowy Hertfordshire: "I've got a text message from sources close to the deal", he boasts.
"Arshavin is no longer at this north London hotel. Arsenal just cannot afford the player. They want to pay half his current contract. They don't want to pay. He is on his way to a London airport to fly back to Russia and he is not happy....."
And there's more from Bryan: "The twist is that the airport is closed."

So let's get this right - at 9.50am he was flying home. Remember that folks.

10.02am: "It's likely to be a hectic day made even more complicated by this extraordinary weather", says Ian Payne. Ian, that will be snow.

10.04: Swanson interviews a 12 year-old boy and his dad. Swanston to boy: "What is your message to Arsenal?". Boy: "Spend the money." Riveting.
Swanston adds: "I'm not going to tell you where we are, but people find us." You've already told us you're in Hertfordshire, and you're somewhere near the Arsenal training ground Bryan.
"Are Arsenal sending out a message to the rest of the Premier League? Arshavin is here, he is only a private jet away.", adds our Bryan.

11.01am Rob Wooton describes it as "the day that never disappoints." Sorry Rob, but I am already disappointed.

11.22am Things are so quiet that they repeat the interview with the lad and his dad

11.30am OH NO! The Premier League hold talks with the FA and FIFA to extend the deadline.
A shift will play havoc with that countdown clock.

12.39pm: Craig is now at the Newcastle training ground where pictures show Chris Houghton is in an office... wait for it...... on the telephone. "What was that? Did you want me to pop into the bakers on my way back love", you could almost lip read him saying.

12.52 studio bound reporter Andy Burton tells us that Jermaine Jenas has made it into the Tottenham training ground down an un-gritted minor road along with a clutch of other players who were all driving Range Rovers and not their Bentleys.

1.07pm "The snow is getting heavier, the deadline is getting nearer and talks are continuing", says U-turn Swanston at a snowy Emirates Stadium. The clock reads: 3 hours 51 minutes and 45 seconds.

1.39pm another re-run of that kid outside the hotel in Hertfordshire wittering on about Arshavin.

2.43pm U-turn Swanson. Arsenal and Zenit St Petersburg are very close to striking a deal.

3pm. The cavalry have arrived. Jim White is finally on our screens: "The news is coming to us thick and fast", says our Jim.

3.15pm David Craig is forced to back track on an exclusive story he gave half an hour ago that Newcastle tried to swap Obafemi Martins for Darren Bent. "We have had confirmation from the highest possible source (that'll be Mike Ashley then) that was categorically not the case." (that'll have been Martins' agent on the phone to Joe Kinnear then).

"If you've seen loads of children involved in snowball fights......then you'll know that large parts of the country have been affected by the weather." Classic White, who within seconds calls the Villa training ground Bodymoor Health.

"If agents are going to make money - this is the time they are going to do it." This IS rocket science. This time from Andy Burton.

3.54pm. Jim White leaps over the desk when he breaks away from another Superbowl report to announce that: "with 1hour 05 mins and 43 seconds to go, Liverpool and Tottenham have agreed a fee for Robbie Keane". He probably missed his morning paper.

4.31pm David Craig reveals that Manchester City have turned down an £8million offer from Newcastle for Villa target Michael Johnson. That'll be why he's not heading to Villa Park then.

4.57pm The first sight of the Yorkshire-based reporter telling us something about a player at Doncaster. I cannot handle the excitement.

5pm Sky really excel themselves by showing pictures of Big Ben chiming five o'clock: "The window is shut and thank God it is shut!", says Jim White. "Absolutely fascinating," he adds.

Bryan Swanson is still outside Arsenal. It's still snowing. Poor soul.

Roll on Monday August 31.